Sorry...
I have really tried but failed.
I wanted to utter the word,
Be free from all the pain.
I thought of telling you.
But, I don't know why,
I just couldn't bring myself to say it.
Every time I see you,
It was the only thing I wanted to say...
You pretend nothing had happened.
I see the pain in your eyes,
Every time you look at me.
And I know it's my fault.
We could have turned out differently,
If I just hadn't ignored it.
I know I have to say it sometime.
Before it's too late,
I wish to tell you,
"I'm sorry."
Chapter 2: Carl
Before we reached the hospital, the police had already made their way there. Emma and I took the elevator to the 4th floor. We turned the first corner and stepped in front of Room 405. The name placard read "Wren Sebastian" - my brother's name.
I ran my shivering fingers over the placard. Emma took my hand in hers and slowly pushed the door open. Officer Carl Ernest was the first to notice us standing at the door. He stopped wiping his tears with his handkerchief and made his way to us and took us into his arms.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I couldn't protect him. I couldn't keep my promise. I told you I would do everything to get him back. But I failed. I'm sorry, Kris. I'm sorry..." Carl hugged me tighter to his chest. I could feel his heartbeat. I could feel that his heart was aching, as much as mine.
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I, Kristina Sebastian, was born an orphan. My dad had passed away in a helicopter crash, 7 months before I was born. My mom had died, unexpectedly, soon after giving birth to me. I raised by my two older brothers - Wayne and Wren, and Carl.
Carl was the brother who was born to different parents. But, he had always been there for me even when my brothers couldn't. He was one amongst my closest family. Or possibly, the closest family I had now.
Carl was my brother's - Wren's - best friend - ever since they were babies. They had done everything together from showering to eating to sleeping. They had even entered the police academy together, graduated together, and joined work together.
Chapter 1: The News
Hot tears made their way down my cheeks, wetting them... as the news replayed again and again in my head. I felt my hands crash down to my sides, clutching my phone. I saw blurs of people around me, shuffling to get to their determined destinations. And here I was, standing in the middle not knowing what to do. It was as if, in that moment, the world had stopped for me. No, my world didn't stop, it had crashed down heavily.
I felt a pair of soft hands wrap themselves around me, embracing me with warmth. I cried into the shoulders, wetting the dandelion yellow shirt of my best friend and half-sister, Emma Seviour. "Why, Em?" I sobbed, feeling as if this was all my fault. But I knew it wasn't. But, I could've and should've stopped him from leaving that evening.
"I'm sorry, Kris. It'll be alright. You have me. I'll be there for you, always," I heard Em whisper in my ear. She was right. She would always be there for me and I would always have her. But, it would never be alright. It is never going to be alright. Nothing would be the same again, without him.
This had been the second terrible news we had received within the past three days. We couldn't bring ourselves to digest this news. The news wasn't normal. It had come in the most shocking way.
Slowly, I felt myself walking with Em, leaning on her to support me. We walked through the streets of our well-known town of Addison. I could feel my heart pounding as we kept getting closer to the place I dreaded the most. The place where you lose everything you once could've had. The place from where no one comes out of, alive. The Hospital.
Reflections
I’ve turned into a ghost of who I once used to be.
I can’t even bring my self to look into the mirror.
When I do, all I see is an image of a girl.
It is not me. It is a girl with a perfect life.
One I had always dreamed to have.
Those who knew me, bone by bone,
Knew my worst enemy. Myself.
They know my worst fear.
Giving up in life and unhappiness.
But now both of those have come true.
The reflections of the mirror are gone...
The reflections of the mind have taken over...
Li(f)e
Fair describes me...
But can the same be said for my life?
In the deepest, darkest part of my heart...
I knew, I never deserved to live a good life...
When they said they understand, they lied…
No one truly understands…
When they said it’s going to be fine, they lied…
No one knew it was never going to be fine…
When they said they’ll always be there for me, they lied…
No one was there for me when I really needed them…
When they said treat others the way you wanted to be treated, they lied…
No one saw that I was treated unfairly though I treated others fairly…
Why?
Why? Why did I earn this life? Why not someone else?
Why is it always me who gets bad things?
Everything I’ve gotten, good nor bad, has turned bad.
Why is it only me deserving this?
Why am I good at nothing? Why?
I used to believe God is alive.
That he answers everyone’s prayers.
None of mine have been answered.
Now, I have lost faith in everything and everyone.
Why am I not known for who I am?
Why always as “his” sister?
Why do I have to live up to “him”?
Why do I have to be exactly like “him”?