She in her wired to the moon ways, pondering away her days with thoughts of what could have beens and whys. She feels all alone, unwanted and neglected, You get it, You understand. She's in pain and smiles anyway, symbolizing the strength she's so desperate to conjure from whats left of her torn out stomach. You get it, you understand. But what do you say? What is it you have to tell to the woman you've torn to pieces, broken down emotionally, ripped out the power of trust with your force fed lies and stamped all over the heart she so willingly gave you to keep? What do you do? Nothing. You do nothing and you say nothing. Sorry won't cure her lifeless body, words won't quell the torrential downpour that you've set by your toxicity. You simply move aside, stop spoiling the view. You stop distracting her from her soulmate. That's what you do.

Out hearts expand and retract... over and over again. It's what life, love, and relationships demand of us. And it's the most beautiful sign of a life well lived. It means that we've allowed ourselves to be vulnerable time and time again. Even when there's enough "proof" to shut it down and never want to put ourselves out there again . 

I know it can be painful at times (actually most of the time), but it's the only way. It's easy to walk away, resist it, avoid, or manipulate it, but that doesn't stretch our hearts the way we need. Our hearts only stretch when we put them to work. They can only expand when we let them feel... deeply feel. Our hearts only stretch and come out when we are brave enough to enter the storm. The stretching never stops. Even when you find an incredible partner... your journey doesn't stop there. Let yourself stretch. Let yourself become marked. It's the only way. Stretch and mark. Stretch and mark. You're not alone. You are resilient and it will lead you further.

Epiphany...

There comes a time when you literally get sick of people treating you in a bad way and you actually stop giving a fuck. That's not a bad thing. When you go through shit, you start to feel shit, and your entire body has no other option than to go into defense mode, it's what makes us human. Our bodies are so advanced in the evolutionary scale of things, that it just kind of takes over, and makes you realise that some peoples opinions just aren't worthy of your attention, there's only so much shit that your body can absorb, because your're better than that, your happiness shouldn't stop for anybody, and really, you should know you really really are better than that...

You can't just say it once and believe it to be enough. She has heard it a hundred times before, that very same thing, she believed the first time, then the second, it took a little longer... it turned out she shouldn't have. So often she prayed so hard for thunder, and was so thankful for the deluge, she danced to get wet. Because she confuses the rain for what is real... But as she began to dry off, it laid her bare, she has learned. Perhaps you could see her heart thirsty, and understand that a little downpour will not heal her; it'll take time, it'll take patience and persistent nourishment before true restoration will occur. Don’t ever assume that once watered, she will bloom, and open up to you. She will question everything, she will retreat often, and sometimes she needs to be reminded, re-filled with frequent sustenance of truth, of how you actually see her, versus this desolation that she sees and feels within herself. Don’t get frustrated when she's insecure, don't be presumptious and assume that it's about you. Try to understand, try and feel honored in the fact that she has trusted you with her vulnerability, and share this deserted land with you... Because honestly, this need for affirmation and praise is a part of what she has become, a part which she is deeply ashamed of, and her past has likely taught her to feel pathetic for desiring it..

I remember being so sad. We all are after heartbreak, I know this. But somehow my pain felt unique, like mine was different and greater than anyone else had felt. 

     In my mind I knew this was untrue.... but in a way it gave me permission to stay in and watch movies and shut out the people trying to love me. 

     Sadness does this, doesn’t it? It craves isolation to reaffirm that we’re alone, when we’re really not if we were to look around. I learned through the pain that we choose what we do with it. 

     Someone once told me that the pain will leave you once it’s felt. I don’t think that’s true, because a lot of us live in our pain. We feel it constantly.

     We use it as an excuse, a crutch. Pain leaves when it instigates change. When we use it to grow and become the person who looks back at the hurt and feels grateful for the heart expansion and the understanding it created. Until then, pain is just a feeling. It has no purpose. Give it purpose by giving yourself growth.

Our life you know: How we see it from our own personal point of view, well it's just a big crazy, hazy puzzle. And no one really knows how many pieces we've got, or what pieces should go where. There's some people who just fit so nicely, and there's others that no matter how much we try to get them to fit, just don't, not without having to trim the edges of the parts that already fit so nicely anyway. We're constantly trying to fit more and more pieces, and sometimes we do have this thing, some demon inside of us that says, "screw it", and we trim the edges just so they fit. We add laughter, love and tears, just so they can fit there for a bit. But truth be told, if we keep trimming our edges, we'll one day not recognize what we see, and in the process forget the person we are suppose to be. And if there's one thing I've learned about trying to build a masterpiece is, don't look back when it's over and realize while you were building the moon and the stars, you left out the sun...

A subconcious effort to sell your soul for company...

You see the thing is, you get far too attached far too fast and far too easily. Or should that be you latch on to someone faster than you can say "I'm fucked"? No matter how you word it, once you latch on to someone, you do anything and everything to make sure that they are happy. It's always been like that, you put everyone elses happiness before your own. You give people far more chances who, (being brutally honest) just don't deserve a second glance never mind a second, third or even a fourth chance. They just take you for a ride, you just become some sort of doormat, until eventually you start believing that your sole purpose in life is to keep peoples feet clean, and you're ok with that, because at least they're there, they're in your life, and that's all you want really, isn't it? Even if they fuck you over, you're still going to be there aren't you? Because that's just who you are, that's what you're all about. Once you make a subconcious choice to latch on to someone, they steal your heart and they devour your soul- (to you) they always have a part of you inside them. And that's why it's so so hard for you to let go...

You see, the thing about time is that it goes by in flashes, in the little moments that we only want to see. We see beauty, light, love and even the darkness only how we want to see it. As time gets vaster or more distant we learn to see the total truth in the moments that we had experienced. Some moments that still hold their value and time has proven they're genuine by remaining true, still showing the beauty in love and light each time they make a reappearance. These moments of truth still bring joy in the memories I have, it feels good. Even though the vastness of time has shown me that a moment was fake, even though this flash was darkness and that I so wanted to see it as real. I'm thankful for both. Time is the true test of a moments authenticity and the sincerity of that particular flash. I'm thankful both for the truth and the realization of its purpose, even though it was disingenuous.

*Did you feel it..... The surge as she exited your space.... Does your heart feel smaller, shrunken, dishevelled..... Did you even realize how much of it was hers..... Now you sit in the dark, and wonder how it happened, how the pain you caused made her stronger, how her weakness was not yours to control..... And do you feel small, do you.... Do you feel like you should have held her more sincerely..... All the times you choked her, all the times you lay and made her wish she was with him..... All the times you made her believe that she was invisible.... All those shadows shall form an army.... And here's the thing..... For when you send them out, this Army of seeking Shadows.... They will not divide and find her, they will not haunt her blossoming heart..... No..... They will find, and blind, and darken the air around you, they will wake you from your dreams of her..... They will not dissipate..... Oh, for you built them well..... And they, they will haunt You....

You're a big girl...

Get over him, he's not worth torment and pain. Yes I know you can't see the rest of the world through wet eyes that only sting for him. Why should you be sitting at home, wondering who he's with or what he's doing. Do you really think he's wondering about you? No! Yes it hurts, omg it hurts, I get that. In fact he knows fine well that you know he's somewhere out there falling in and out of love with other girls, prepare yourself, because honestly it'll hurt so much, but he knows this and that's why he does it. Try your hardest to not let it affect you, because that's what he wants, don't give him what he wants, immature assholes like that don't deserve it. At some point you'll bump into him, it's inevitable, especially since you've introduced him to your circle, but he'll try and ignore you because he's got a new girl on his arm. So fuck, why would you want to talk to someone like that anyway, fuck him and his new girlfriend. The day will come when he sees you in the arms of another guy with this great big smile on your face. He's going to realize how happy you are, and how happy your man looks to have you. Trust me, he will be sorry he ever let you go. And don't just sit there thinking he won't be sorry, I know you are. I promise you, he will be sorry. So don't sit there waiting for that text message, phonecall or p.m. because it isn't going to happen, you should know he enjoys ignoring you. He likes to pretend he doesn't see you online because he knows its killing you. I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to hurt, it's going to really hurt, knowing there will be no more late night calls fighting over who loves who the most. He won't be the one to put that smile back on your face. But you know what youre going to do? You're going to show him you're better than him. You're going to prove he made the biggest mistake of his life letting you go...