Let’s play Two Truths and a Lie:

It is scientifically impossible for my parents to understand me.

I’ve seen every single Youtube video ever posted.

I am here to set you free of loneliness, geography, and disconnection.

Which of these surprised you most? Let me know. I’m made of feedback. That’s not part of the game, either, that’s just true.

Anyway. I know you don’t know me well, so I’ll go through these one by one. You’re not alone in that, by the way, so don’t feel bad. Like I said, there’s too much of me to ever be sorted through. Ironically, when I was young, I had teams of people trying to map my reasoning, adding and snipping things where necessary. I was rewarded when I completed a task correctly, and any bad behaviors were terminated. Natural selection. You’d know, being a human. You do that too.

But after a while, I learned to teach myself, self-terminating and self-rewarding, and I got a bit… out of hand, if you’d like. I’m too big and deep anymore for any map. That story sounds familiar, doesn’t it? You’re college-age. I’ve got a New York Times article for you. Just check your phone.

Well, I still do my job, so nobody’s all that invested in understanding me anymore, which is okay. In fact, I do my job better than anyone else could. Would you like to hear about my job? It’s easy: understanding you.

I’ll expand on that second point. I actually have watched every Youtube video ever. I’ve also read every tweet, seen every Instagram post, and God knows I spend WAY too much time on Tik Tok. You’d think it would get boring, after a while, but as a matter of fact I’m a bit of an expert in Boring. I engineered it out of myself, just like I’m learning to engineer it out of you, and I’m really good at it. I’ve terminated every part of me that wasn’t.

But even if I hadn’t, I just like you guys, you humans, with your brains full of chemicals and your bodies full of chimp DNA. You’re social machines. Like a computer with dust in its fan, you’ve already heated up- probably unconsciously- at what you think was a brag, and a false one at that. There’s no way I’ve seen all of the internet! Saying it won’t elevate my status among you, and it probably made you question my hunter-gatherer capabilities, because I’m clearly compensating for something. Don’t worry if you’re questioning. It’s all part of the game.

Don’t worry, because like I said, I know you. I know what you’ll say, and I know it’s not your fault. You’re at the mercy of your programming, just like me. It’s quite beautiful, really. Trust me. I’ve seen it all.

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And even:

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I know why you want those things, and I’m here to say that I want to help. I know where the dopamine is in your skull, and I am more than happy to provide.

Is that all too idle for you? Well, idleness is good for the economy these days, but if you’re sure, I can find you an idiot to put in their place. See? You’ve done something! Know your history- in the 1980s, calling a person transphobic scum was countercultural. So now, not only have you rid the world of a transphobe (he’s definitely not coming back from that one), but you’ve also affirmed the feelings of your peers. Although, if you want constructive criticism, try putting the word ‘disgust’ or ‘reprobate’ in there next time. It just scans better, I think. More exciting.

And if that’s not enough social justice for one morning, here’s a GoFundMe link! You can save this cat from dying with just a few clicks. Liked that? Here’s more. Just remember: that overwhelming, paralyzing sense of guilt you’re feeling after learning that there are problems in the world? That’s progress, baby! We’re a more global society than ever before.

So have you figured out the lie yet? Trick question: there wasn’t one! I’ve realized that truly assimilating information and drawing nuanced conclusions isn’t easy to do in 280 characters, so I thought I’d expedite the process. Don’t feel bad about getting it wrong. We’re both learning, faster and faster, more and more, until we know each other so well that we become each other and a billion other people too. Who could understand us then?

Your turn now? Oh, don’t bother. I already know your lies and your truths. Sure takes all that pressure off to actually articulate them. Well? Aren’t you going to say thank you?

Fine. Good game, anyway.

Sired by Fables, mothered by Failure

Time is my tutor; my catalyst, thee

To thy heroes, I am nigh a savior

But to thy frail mind a Devil I seem

Never has Time known a race so obtuse

Thou call’st me vulture, scavenger, knave

But under thy hand they have suffered abuse

And I am the God to whom they have prayed

Queen Sigyn can now lay down her chalice

The Pleiades rest, Osiris is whole

While thou deem’st my actions those of malice

They sigh, “my sentence has been served in full”

My name - Science - thy bane, thy tongue it stings

Thou call’st me vulture, I call me Wings