Finally Clean
Until now, I’d lost all hope.
How could I move on from you?
I had you for a moment;
I couldn’t imagine wanting anyone else.
Endless dates with new people who couldn’t measure up
Told me to stop trying.
I was stuck on you, embracing despair.
He came around, and was sweet and charming.
I went along, just needing to give love that you wouldn’t take.
He wooed and kissed and held,
And I fought my heart as it tried to replace you with him.
Still, I didn’t want to want anyone else.
Still, I wanted you as the object of my affection.
And then he left; a new despair.
I mourned him and missed him… and didn’t mourn you.
I let you go, not in his coming, but in his leaving.
Who knew that loss would save me?
In losing him, I reclaimed myself from you.
And hope, once lost, is reality.
Questions and Answers
He has questions.
Isn't it weird that I'm this way? What is wrong with me? How can you still love me?
Maybe it's weird, but fuck normal. Nothing is wrong with you. I love all of you. Even this. Especially this.
Can you help me express this, help me be more myself? Are you ok with taking care of this side of me? Will you be uncomfortable?
I want to do that more than anything. All I want is to let you be yourself. I have never felt uncomfortable with you. I love you. Even this. Especially this.
Have I ever seen you as vulnerable as you were just now? Is it safe for us to be physical when it involves so much emotion? How can I protect you?
I have never been so vulnerable in my life. No. It's not safe. You can't protect me. I already love you. Even this. Especially this.
Now I need answers.
Why are you dating her? Why not me? Do I matter?
It's safer. I'm too scared to risk it with you right now. I still need to figure myself out. You've always mattered.
Do you care about her? Could we ever happen?
I do. And we could. If the timing is right, I want to try. But no promises.
What do I do?
I can't ask you to wait for me. Be happy. We'll stay friends for now.
Now he has the same questions every day.
Are you doing ok? How else can I protect you?
Sometimes I'm ok. Some days are hard. Choose me.
I love you, even this.
Just not especially this.