Forward- I just had my last year playing football. I'm feeling pretty emotional so I decided to write it all out here. I did a year by year summary of my experiences, and a general summary of my time playing in the end. There are some personal things here, and if that's less your speed, no problem. For those who do read, I hope you guys enjoy it :)

There were good and bad along this journey. But it's important to go over the good, the bad and the ugly from each year.

Year 1- The good- I found a new sport that I liked. I still didn’t love it, but I enjoyed the camaraderie, and I was having a good, fun time. I also learned social skills and how to make friends, even if I was still bad at it.

The bad- I wasn’t very invested in it. I was still young, and I didn’t really care. It was fun, but it wasn't a very important thing in my life.

The ugly- I acted like an entitled bitch sometimes. I made a lot of embarrassing social faux passes. Still, no one remembers those now and I learned from each interaction.

I should’ve come in less stressed. That would’ve made the beginning a bit easier. I was still a kid though, and kids will make stupid mistakes.

Year 2- The good- On one hand, the best year of my life, football related. Everything was simple and easy. All my friends were football related, and all I wanted to do was play football. I started getting very invested and took it very seriously. I worked out all the time, and I was improving and becoming a decent athlete. I was having good, clean fun. It was simple and easy. The future was bright. I knew exactly what I wanted and exactly how to get it. From that perspective, it was a very good year. And of course, it all paid off. I was an extremely good player and a captain.

The bad- I was way to invested. I was working out much too often, which led to injuries that still bother me to this day. I never wanted to take a day off, and I didn’t research recovery and efficient training methods nearly enough. I went into the journey of becoming a better football player like a bull in a china shop. And while that relentlessness has been a huge advantage for me, it has very important drawbacks.

The ugly- My mental health was horrible, and football was a big reason why. To deal with my problems I would work out until the point of exhaustion to shut out the voices. I used football as an escape from my mental problems, which only exacerbated them in the end. I would’ve found happiness and peace much earlier if I had gone to a psychologist that year instead of trying to self-medicate with exercise and pain.

Football also made my anger issues worse. I felt like it was a positive thing, instead of something holding me back as a player and as a person. In general, football that year was not good for my mental health, and yet I clutched at it desperately. That has caused me issues, mentally and physically to this day.

I also felt like I had no identity outside of football. I was single-minded and determined, but my body broke down from that relentlessness. Even worse, so did my mind. A person can't think only of football constantly, and one's goals can't be only in one thing. It's imperative for me to have several interests and several ways of reaching happiness. All my eggs were in one basket, and all my self-worth was related to football. Much of my anger in football came from small failures. I couldn’t deal with the smallest mistakes because so much of my confidence and self esteem was tied in to one thing. If I had developed interests outside of football during that year, I probably would’ve become a much happier person.

I should’ve have gone to a psychologist much earlier. Ignoring all of your problems just makes them worse.

Year 3. The good- I developed into a great player. I finished the season with almost 20 sacks, a crazy number for a skinny kid to get while playing against people double his weight and years older than him. I worked my ass off that year, and I developed into a very good d lineman. I got rookie of the year, and I was very happy with how my season ended, individually. I felt especially good proving the haters wrong.

The bad- My ego was huge. I thought that because I was the best in the JV team that I would be good in high school. There's a huge difference. I was also filled with disdain for the league because of what previous coaches had told me. My pride was wounded often and that made me act stupidly.

The ugly- The mental problems from last year came to a crisis. I started seeing a phycologist, and all the feelings that I had stuffed in a box came out to light. It was a long detoxification process that affected everything, including football. Because I felt insecure about my standing in the social hierarchy, I would act stupidly and like a clown. Because I chose the wrong people to be role models, I acted in a way that wasn’t true to myself and that caused people to disregard me as an idiot. I also felt insecure because of my big brother. He had just come off his MVP season, and expectations were high for me as his little brother. I hated those expectations. I felt two conflicting desires, to prove to them that me and my brother were nothing alike, by purposely sabotaging myself, and I wanted to prove that I was even better than him. This led to dissonance, and much emotional turmoil.

I should not have compared myself to my brother and other players so much. I should’ve come with a much humbler attitude in the beginning and not think that I was entitled to anything. And I should have been more confident in my own abilities, instead of trying to emulate other players, just because they were more popular than me.

Year 4. The good- I was one of the best players in the league. I was a hard hitter, a terrifying defender and simply put, a very good player. I changed my workouts to be more suited to an athlete, which showed on the field. I started to train smarter (i.e. recovery, contrast training and plyos) and I overcame several challenges in leadership. I was unexpectedly given the role of a captain, and I managed to overcome that (huge) challenge. In preseason, I became much more mature and healthier mentally (because of the work I did with my psychologist). It was a very good year for me individually, and it was the first year where I managed to make a mark on this league.

The bad- We were very bad. We lost most of our games. There simply wasn’t enough talent to be good. It was hard going through a season like that. Personally, I never stopped believing. I always came in with an expectation to win and getting blown out every time hurt a lot. It was a tough season to go through, because losing is tough. And there's nothing much I can say about that besides it hurts. And it doesn’t matter, because you must get up afterwards. You can wallow in the loss as much as you want. But it's your choice to sulk. And a man doesn’t sulk. He gets up the next day and improves himself.

The ugly- The expectations. It was my first time feeling that people trusted me, and it’s a large weight to put on someone's shoulders. It's tough to be given the mantle of captain so early, especially since I didn’t have many role models I could look up to, leadership wise. I made several mistakes as a captain, because of my inexperience. However, they were unavoidable.

My anger issues were still getting the better of me. It's just hard to control yourself when you're losing so badly. I had a bad mindset, where I would give up on playing football if we were losing, and instead focus on injuring players. It made me a bad person, and I wasn’t enjoying myself.

I should’ve communicated my problems and worries with the coaches more. They could’ve helped me and calmed me down. Most of my problems that year came from frustration and improper communication.

Year 5. The good- I became a much better athlete. That offseason I worked mainly on getting my health back, but that made me a more balanced and stable athlete. Going to a physiotherapist or personal trainer who knows what they're talking about is a must. Training with a person who knew what I, as an athlete, needed was important. I came to the national team as a very good athlete. I became a starter, which fulfilled a lifelong goal. It felt amazing to know that I'm one of the 22 best players in the country.

This was the year that I really made my mark. I proved that I'm the best LB in the league, and a probable DPOY winner. The defense was functioning because of me, and I was playing at a very high level.

In addition, I turned into a good leader. I worked very hard, and I finally understood how to be a good captain. My philosophy is to lead by example, first and foremost. Players must first respect you as a good player before they can respect you as a leader. Afterwards, I preached aggression and effort, the most important values a football player can have. I think I did a good job becoming the kind of leader that I want to become, not influenced by anyone that I didn’t want to be.

The bad- Must get to the elephant in the room. We lost the semi finals. Badly. Not on talent, on mental strength. We came into that game making small, stupid mistakes. We acted like a bunch of dumb rookies. And that’s on me, and the other leaders of the team. I didn’t prepare the team well enough, but I don’t know what else to do. That’s the sad part. I don’t know what else I could have done differently. I feel like I did everything I could, personally and as a captain. We lost on the same principles that I preach, hard work and aggression. I just don’t know how I should have instilled those principles better.

As a whole, our season had some mentally weak moments. It was too dependent on splash plays instead of consistency, and we would get frustrated much to easily.

At a certain point, you must stop putting blame on yourself. I believe that our problems weren’t problems that I could fix. I don’t know what to do, but I do know that I can't blame myself.

The ugly- I was an inch away from quitting. I was completely done. I didn’t want to play in this league anymore. The national team made me realize how much I still love football (when it's easy and simple) and that got me into team practices. Afterwards I stayed because of my teammates. They were my brothers. I knew I couldn’t abandon them. Still, that’s not a healthy way of doing things. I shouldn’t play football for other people, only for myself.

That caused a lot of emotional turmoil, especially after my injury. I was in such pain, all the time, and terrified of what the future would entail with my injury.

Again, I don’t know what I should’ve done differently, I don’t regret playing this year. Sometimes there's nothing you can do but accept the good with the bad.

Summary

The good- Football has taught me to become a better man. I've become so much more confident and happy because of football. I feel good about my body, my self esteem and my abilities. It has instilled within me principles like relentlessness and hard work that will always be with me and help me throughout my life.

The bad- It has hurt me. Physically and mentally. While it’s a beautiful game, it can be ugly. The endless drive to improve oneself, the urge to hurt other people, even your own teammates because you want the starting spot and the hierarchy based on your talent in football instead of how good you are as a person is disgusting. Much of the sport is disgusting. Good coaches make it beautiful again. Bad ones can ruin the game.

The bad- I was addicted to it. I needed, hell I still need the rush that comes from football. And like every addiction, it wasn’t good for me. I injected it like a drug, not caring if it harmed me, because I needed it like I need water and air. I would’ve given anything for it, but eventually it takes too much. Eventually you realize you have a real problem, and you need real help or you're going to end up in a bad place. Football can do that to you. It can turn you into the best of men, or into the worst. Traits that are bad outside of football are desired on the field. If you don’t control yourself, you can end up seriously hurt, and I'm not talking about your physical health.

In general, I have no regrets. Everything I wanted to accomplish I did. I made mistakes, just like everybody else. I learned lessons and I improved.

The only thing I want to leave behind is mental strength. I knew a lot of very talented players, players that were much better than me, gave up and chose a different path.

There's a thousand things I could say, but at the end, I only have one cliché. You want to be the best? You'll fall down and fail. Make sure you get up and sail.

Do I regret starting and finishing this journey? Not a single moment. Would I do it again? No. I spent too long playing football because of other people. It needs to be something done because of your own love, not tainted by other people.

It's been a hell of a ride. But now its time to step off.

And start the next one.

The day has come to an end

And I drift off into the land of sleep

But wait- Somethings wrong

What is it I hear? A song?

A never ending tune

To keep me awake all night long

I won't let the melody win

So I lift up my chin

And now my chest

And with a heave- all the rest!

Now I'm standing

Now I'm on my feet

Be careful

Don't wake anyone up

Just creep on your tip toes

And be careful

Wake up! Stop walking in a doze

Go to the kitchen

Fill a cup of water

What the devil?

What's that noise?

Quick! Turn the faucet off!

Listen

Is anyone awake?

No. I'm safe

Forget about the water

The song is over

I feel calm and sober

It's time for sleep

Go through the hallway

What did I step on?

It's not water

It's not blood

Is it- Please let it be blood

But of course its not

Its piss

The dog has peed in front of my room

Again

I look down and remember

I'm wearing socks

I open my mouth

And scream

"FUCK"

Slowly, a door creaks

My knees go weak

Now I'm in trouble

Is it mendable?

A body exits the room

He turns and looks at me

With one look I answer my question

No. It is not

Someone is controlling me. I don't know who, and I don't know how, but someone is controlling my body. He controls what I say and what I do. He even controls my emotions. I'm just a spectator in my own body. I'm watching my life go by through a dirty window. And no matter what I do, I can't break through it.

It started when I was ten. Life was bad. The thing I wanted more than anything, was a way to escape. To get out of the yoke of my horrible life. I suppose I got what I wished for.

They started as isolated episodes. Only a few hours here and there, where someone else would take control. All I had to do was sit back and relax. I could escape. But the monster I released wasn't happy with a few hours. He wanted everything. He wanted my life.

I realized much too late what I was dealing with. I tried to send him back to where he came from, but it was too late for that. He was a part of me now. And he wasn't going anywhere.

The monster wasn't done ruining my life though. He brought two other friends of his to help. The first one told me that I was a failure. That I would never amount to anything. It told me that I would fail at anything I ever wished for. That everyone was laughing at me. According to him, the earth revolved around me. And everybody hated me. He wasn't so bad. He would shut up every once in a while. I called him George. But the other friend he brought was more insidious.

His name was Bobby. I was sure that we were friends. He protected me. He would comfort me after George would rant at me for hours on end. He allowed me to rest. He told me that it was ok to stay in bed all day. It's ok to stay alone. He allowed me to feel... not good about being a failure, but he never made me feel as bad about it like George did. He told me that he cared about me.

Of course, at the time, I thought that Bobby was my friend. I didn't realize that he was even worse than George. I could get George to stop talking. It was never easy, but it was possible. But Bobby never left. He was an invisible weight on me, that never moved. He wasn't happy until I collapsed on the bed and stayed there, for days on end. And eventually, even that didn't make him happy.

Those two made me hate my life even more. I would give it up to him more and more. Eventually, he would control me for months and months. I didn't know who I was. I couldn't remember who my friends were. Or if I had any. I would lose patches of my life. To this day, there are months of my life that I don't remember. People that I don't remember. A life that he took from me. He turned my life into a hell. When he was in control, he wouldn't allow me to feel anything. I didn't care about anything good. I didn't care about anything bad. I couldn't feel anything at all. I started cutting myself. I wanted to feel something. That didn't work, but I continued. I thought that would allow me to escape. As if the blood escaping my body was my soul, escaping his clutches.

I started sitting on the rooftop of my building. Wondering at first, why I shouldn't jump. Then why I should. I must've decided to kill myself dozens of times there. But I could never get the courage. I would sit on the edge, trying to force myself to jump. Not being able to. Crying about how I was such a failure. I couldn't even die properly.

This might have gone indefinitely. Until he intervened. It was just a normal day for me. I was even having a good day. My first one that year. George was quiet. Bobby didn't feel quite so heavy. I was watching the clouds that April afternoon, half napping.

The voices woke me up. The voices that told me that I would never be happy. That I was going to be alone forever. That no one could ever cure me. I knew it wasn't Bobby. These were different voices. Maybe because I didn't know them, I trusted them. Maybe I thought that at least some of my voices would help me. Or maybe I trusted them because I needed some way to escape. And I didn't care how. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter why I believed them. The only thing that matters is that they forced me to decide. Decide if I wanted to live or die. They promised that the only way to end my suffering would be to jump. If not, I would be crazy forever. Sad forever. Alone forever. This was the only way, they told me.

"Trust us." they whispered. "We want only the best for you. We want for you to stop hurting. Jump. Right now. Now! Now! Do it! Do it already!"

But if I was going to die, I would do it on my terms. I got a coin from my room and headed to the roof.

"Ok" I mumbled to myself. "Heads I jump. Tails I don't." Crazily, I was happy. I was deciding something by myself. I was in control of my body for the first time in two months. I took a deep breath of air. It was nice feeling like myself again. I had missed it. If only I could stay that way forever. But I knew that I couldn't. Already, I could feel him, waiting patiently for my focus to drop, allowing him to take control. I know what he would have done. And I wasn't willing for him to make that decision for me.

I flipped the coin. It didn't stay in the air for an eternity. It didn't land on the edge. It didn't do anything special. It just landed, like a normal coin. Like it was a normal decision.

I looked at it and smiled. I had always wanted to fly.

The clouds were beautiful that day.

Once upon a time, long ago, a special child was born. His parents were royalty, and everyone knew that he would be the king. But that is not why he was special.

As the child grew, strange things happened. His tutors began to notice…odd things about him. Like how once, when he was frustrated during class, his book started smoldering. But that is not why he was special.

What made him special, was his ability to mind his own business. He didn't care what you did, so long as you didn't harm anyone. And that is why he was special.

Hell is not a place

It is not here or there

Nor anywhere

Hell follows me

Wherever I go

I can not stop it

It can not be slowed

All I can do is wait

And in the meantime, smile and laugh

It will come when it will come

And when it comes

Suffer

Until it leaves