Four years ago the words "I love you" came from your mouth and etched themselves into my soul.

Three years ago the words "let it be" stained the skin over my rib cage.

Two years ago the word "someday" clouded my every thought.

One year ago the words "I love her" wormed themselves in between the broken pieces of my heart.

One month ago angry words dug up old wounds and carved new ones.

One week ago "will you marry me?" came from your mouth and etched themselves into her soul.

Today, the words "they're engaged" ripped every breath from my lungs.

It's like being at the beach and playing in the waves.

Then someone on shore calls my name.

As I look back, I forget to brace myself.

The current is stronger than I am.

My legs are no longer beneath me.

The force of the water pulls me under.

The salt stings my nose and the back of my throat.

I fight to regain my footing.

The water settles.

My feet find the sandy floor.

I cough, I gasp.

My heart slows to its normal pace.

The fresh air fills my lungs.

I dig my toes into the ocean floor.

The tide washes against my back.

That's what missing you feels like.

When for a moment, the sea had swallowed me, but here I was again standing tall, ready to face the next wave.

I never got to feel your heart beat,

but I have to believe that you felt mine.

I never got to hear your laugh,

but I hope the sound of my voice comforted you.

Your body never got the chance to grow,

But I have no doubts that your soul did.

Air never filled your lungs,

Because of that sometimes I can't breathe.

You never called me mommy,

But that doesn't mean I'm not your mother.

You always hear people talk about "the one that got away"...

But when he got away, he didn't go anywhere.

He tried to save me, when I wasn't willing to save myself.

He wanted to love me, but I didn't even know what that meant.

I kept him just close enough to know his presence, but never close enough to let him truly know mine.

And one day, he stopped trying.

One day, he wanted something new.

But he didn't leave, not really.

He called me when she broke his heart.

That was the night I told him I loved him.

I called him when I decided to save myself.

That was the night he told me he was proud of me.

I have nursed his wounds from the other girls he tried to save.

I have cursed my wounds from the words I didn't know how to say.

Now, eighteen months have passed, but he never went anywhere.

On good days, he's laughing just across the dinner table.

On bad nights, the edge of his pillow overlaps with mine.

He was supposed to be my "one that got away."

Somehow, he became "the best friend that always stayed."

It's the way you wipe the tears from my cheeks. The tears you swear you never meant to make fall.

It's the fingerprint shaped bruises on my arms and legs and hips. The bruises from a grip that used to be so gentle but now is just a little bit too firm.

It's me turning my head to face the wall so I don't have to see it as you text her while you're laying in my bed.

It's forgiving you for those too harsh words you said while you were angry. Because you didn't mean them.

It's nodding my head and fighting back more of those tears when you tell me that you can't love me because I don't know how to love myself.

Its the ache in my chest when I see the faint "Read Yesterday" and yet there is still no reply.

It's the moments when i hold your hand because it feels like we're the only things keeping eachother from falling into the cracks of our crumbling lives.

It's the taste of tequila and the way I remember you saying you like the way it makes me frisky.

It's feeling your arms wrapped around me in the middle of the night and wondering how much it will hurt in the morning when you let go.

It's the fact that they're only 4 and 6 and they don't understand that you're not coming back to play Legos anymore.

It's the bite marks on my collarbones and shoulders that use to leave evidence of kisses but now I can only count the indentions of your teeth.

It's wondering when forever turned into yesterday and tomorrow turned into a question.