Close quarter proximity with intense eye contact builds anticipation for meaningful conversation. Your pulse quickens with every syllable uttered. Her scent is driving your hormones into overload and it's becoming harder, much too hard to focus. You attempt to play it cool, though your nerves are rattled, concerned that you don't make a fool of yourself. While listening intently to her words, the bestial mind tends to drift into thoughts of lust, barring the use of reason.

     Her smile is as enchanting as her eyes are alluring, calling out to every fiber of your being. You want her intensely with a caveman swing of a club type of mentality. Her hair curls dangle the high cheek bones curving her face, as the deep ridges of her dimples flash with each smirk. Your eyes drank in every moment knowing that it is formulating a permanent memory to be burned into your conscious. You will have total recall of each detail for years to come. Her dark skin, free of blemishes is smooth as velvet inviting you to imagine its touch, it's taste. You desperately want to gauge its warmth with an intimate embrace. Every passing second is an agony as your imagination weaves a spell of tantalizing fantasy, one in which you will never recover from. She sits there, across from you, but at a neighboring table. Her date's back is to you and he commands all of her attention as you peer over his shoulder obsessing. If only you could will her to return your eye contact, surely she'd feel an attraction that captures her imagination as much as she has stolen yours.  You grip the fork in your hand tighter clasping the steel with envious intent. This Nigerian accent of hers has unknowingly serenaded the disturbed demented spirit that lies within you. Deep down, you realize that you are about to stalk the object of your affection who is totally oblivious to your existence.

After about an hour of back and forth, mind measuring and soul searching deliberation, I take a few long deep deliberate breathes as I peer down into that dark cavern. Maybe I'm looking for some sort of deterrent so I back out of this, or maybe just the smallest glimmer of hope to bring forth encouragement, yet I perceive ultimately nothing. After realizing that moment was my last shot of backing out of what I thought I was determined to do, I turn my head to the heavens that has forsaken my soul and I sigh. One last breath of life I draw in, a full inhale while inching closer to the edge. The sands beneath my feet shift and fall from the cliff seemingly dissolving in air as the grains drop away into extinction. I leap.

My left leg kicks up bent as I lunge with my right leg shooting as far as possible like I'm trying to spring to the other side. Mid plunge I recognize a sharp feeling of regret and abrupt terror knowing there is no way in hell I can reverse this course of action. There is no recourse, I must push forward, regardless of what happens next. I have only a mere matter of moments before the end of my journey. Panic arises, yes, but it brings with it an unimagined guest. Like with a party invitation, panic’s plus one is “peace”. An extraordinary and peculiar sense of calm washes over me while falling. The momentum builds and I feel powerless. I cannot stop, I cannot flee or retreat nor can I direct my descent. My impulse at first was to flail my limbs erratically in utter futility succumbing to that initial fear, but with that impending sense calamity the sensation of tranquility overpowers the dread. Maybe it was the understanding that I was now fully invested in my actions, maybe it was me accepting my fate. Or maybe it was simply my instincts taking over, I don’t know because it happened way too fast to fully grasp.

I’m dropping, I’m losing all sense of my surroundings now as I plummet faster and faster. My mind shifts into a state like I’m in a trance because now seems like I’m soaring, then it goes back to falling and once again soaring. No matter because as soon as I start to recognize I….

The dive into the water shocks the body as much as the surprise at the speed I reached it’s all consuming wet embrace. The dark cave that surrounds it, obstructed my ability to see how far down it was, but the tour guides on the cliff assured me and the rest of the group that the water was deep enough to jump. Conquering my fear of heights and the unknown has recently become my obsession and this adventure I can now scratch from my bucket list.

#fiction #Prose

People have been asking me how I'm doing and if I'm alright and on que my response is always a "yes", but that is the furthest thing from the truth. I am not alright. I am walking around in a perpetual sense of denial. I am separating  my conscious mind from my reality and choosing to focus on my daily duties in life like taking my child to school and picking her up, going to the grocery store and other tasks of that nature. I am attempting to deny myself the harsh reality that I face with the loss of my two greatest influences in my life, my parents. Both passed away due to illnesses within a two week period of each other. One loss is devastating, but two is life shattering and I am having a hard time coping.

We all, the majority anyways, deal with death in a way that we, consciously or subconsciously, try not to think about. We attempt to put it out of our minds. I know I will die one day, but ideally it will be surrounded by immediate family at the ripe old age of 100. This is the one thing, most people want to put off as long as possible. But what happens when you are given a time frame on the number of days you have to walk this earth? The denial and avoidance may occur and the "why me's" and the "why God's" surface as well, but eventually the acceptance sets in. At least I hope it does. At that point, do things become more precious? Do the seconds, minutes, hours and days that are taken for granted become the invaluable golden grains of sand that occupy our lives finite hour glass of time?

     With my parents, in a sense, I am trying to not think of them as deceased, simply rationalizing it like they are on an extended vacation, but at times when I need advice or want to talk, that void, that deep dark caverness void is felt torturing my soul. It leaves me with feelings of a piercing flaming spear ripping gaping holes through my emotions. It is the hulking elephant in the room that I don't want to aknowledge and it's bearing down on my thoughts so much so, that when the subject of the two is brought to my attention, I crumble to pieces. I pride myself on not being overly emotional, but there are times when I'm by myself, an overwhelming sense of hurt consumes me and I'm flooded with feelings I try unsuccesfully to supress and bury. I am not fine, but it's OK.

    I am of the firm belief that whatever you are dealing with in life can be overcome in time with patience, perseverance and understanding. You have to be patient with the situation, whatever it may be no matter how daunting. It will not last. Like a surfer riding a wave, there are highs and lows that life throws at you. See the experience for what it is. You have the persevere through it in order to come out on the other side with a new and hopefully deeper level of understanding. I am still working on that. For now, I am mourning my losses and riding this wave of emotion. I remember the lessons my parents taught me and my siblings which reverberate in my mind and are ever present when I make decisions and I am slowing becoming the man they wanted me to be. A man that is independent,  dependable and responsible for his own family. I have big shoes to fill and I can't thank them enough, right now I'm at a loss for sure, but in time I will be able to say that I'm truly "fine" and mean it.

   The night's humidity nullifies any thankfulness at the absence of the sun, since its sweltering heat stills lingers in the late July air. Just a few measly degrees less than what it was prior, doesn't offer much solace. Lying in this bed, sweaty and broken, too fatigued to muster enough strength to walk to the icebox for liquid reprieve, the minutes waste away second by second by hourglass-grain-of-sand second. Your hair and skin is damp, yet your mouth is dry as brittle chalk and the constant ticking from the chain on the ceiling fan is the only note you can sense to its effect. Competing with the infuriating ticking is the ever-present buzzing of not too distant fly, whizzing about, seemingly attracted to the sour odor this room festers. Though entangled in such a miserable mind altering mangled actuality, you are lucky to be alive. The accident of burning twisted metal that landed you bedridden and wasting away, the results being mathematical with the addition of titanium rods in your leg and the subtraction of a few feet of your intestinal tract, almost killed you. The impact of your skull on the windshield has left you with bouts of migraine headaches that would debilitate a healthy person, let alone a newly mangled cripple and your mental state at times, becomes distressing with the nightly reenactments of the crash when you fall asleep. You wish you could will yourself to get up and shake off this weighted suit of injury, suffering and impairment. All things considered, tonight truly sucks. The psychological anguish leads to a rotting negativity not easily overcome.

     The next morning and the subtle light of the dawning sun fades the notice of the neon vacancy sign from the motel across the street. A sparse recognition of movement is developing from the early morning commuters and it is slowly emanating. Today is a new day. You didn't check out yesterday so that means today is another chance to get better, to get status quo. You don't need to reinvent the wheel as far a rehabilitation is concerned. You are a survivor after all, you just need to be able to, function.

Sitting here trying to be ever present in her life has become increasingly daunting these past few years. I promised her that I would always protect her and look after her, but I've been feeling a pull away from her more and more lately. Before, it was a faint suggestive nod, like a whispered insinuation of discernment, reminiscent of a “you understand” statement where I inherently know what this emotion I'm feeling is. Now, it's more prevalent, the recognition of its presence reverberates immensely with each passing moment. Is there more out there for me to discover? Have I somehow doomed myself for an eternity lingering in this self-induced purgatory? What is left for me? I used to look upon her face and my eyes filled with unconditional love. I not only saw what I deemed as the personification of what the term love means, but I saw myself in her. In every way, she was, and still is the reflection of me. Maybe that is a narcissistic ideal, loving parts of a person that mirror your own, but to me that is the base of resonance, a commonalty in which a bond is formed and a foundation of the dynamic people share builds. The inside jokes, the shared glances in which no words are exchanged, yet a subtle level of understanding takes hold resulting in a smile knowing each of you are on the same wave length. There is a certain power in that.

The parallels between her and I have grown, more so since I've taken on this new direction in our dynamic. I've been more present in her life than I ever was before. Every waking moment I spend by her side. Every breath she breathes, and step she takes, every decision she makes, I am there. Much to my chagrin, I must endure her every action. Before this started, my mother came to me and asked me to come with her and to leave my beloved's side. She told me that she would only come to me this one time and if I chose to stay, I will cut off my one and possibly only real opportunity at a heavenly existence, but knowing how dear the bond I shared meant, I declined, falling from my mother's good graces and haven't seen or heard from her since. It’s been nearly 11 years and I fear that I have missed out on my real destiny. My personality has always been one of adventure. I dislike routine and I thirst for knowledge and experiences. I long for different surroundings and exotic sights one can taste with their eyes. There is a conflict within my being that fights with my current reality making me crave an exodus. My only apprehension is the betrayal of my promise to my love. I've witnessed the nights of endless tears and prayers for enduring strength that went so long, she slipped into a exhausted stupor. I’ve been to graduations and birthday celebrations and vacations. I've stood with her on her wedding day, wiped her tears of joy while whispering encouraging sentiments, “Daddy’s here, I'm always here for you. I love you baby girl".

I have lived for this girl, this woman, her entire life. Since the day she first opened her eyes, until the fateful day I closed mine, nothing has separated us. Now is the time though, I know I can finally let her go from my constant gaze. I'm sure I will never be free from this nagging guilt, but hopefully one day when the time arises, she will join me and we explore the eternity together again.