“Two muffins to go, Bill.”

“Got it, Linda.”

“Four-on-two, scramble one, the other one over-easy, make it whole wheat on two, one no home fries, crisp bacon a pair.”

“Working them now.”

“I need a bacon and egg on dark rye to travel.”

“It’s in the works, Linda.  What a morning already.”

“What kind of morning is that?”

Turning, I looked out over the other side of the counter where customer’s stand waiting for their orders to go.  Standing directly in my view was Bernadette Peters.  Well, she could have been her exact body-double in every detail.  From the piercing eyes, curly blond hair, and smiling pouty lips, she was a dead ringer for Bernadette.

An attractive woman with yellow-gold hair, pert nose, silver-blue eyes, rose-colored lips, with the cutest smile filled with pearly whites, and such a body to go with the looks.

She was incredible looking.

“If you’re going to stare at me, you might as well start taking pictures.”

“Huh?  Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.”

“That’s okay.  So what kind of day are you having?”

“A busy Monday kind of morning from the looks of things.  Excuse me a minute while I get these orders fixed.”

“Sure.  Don’t forget mine; the two English muffins.”

“No problem.”

Linda and I have a good system going.

All the customers place their order with her when they come in and pay her for their food.  If it is dine-in, they get a number which Linda gives me a copy of, and here are plenty of tables for them to find a seat, read a newspaper or whatever as I fix their food, call their number, and they come to the counter and pick it up.    Take-out orders are slightly different.  Like the Bernadette twin, they come down to my end, stand in line and I hand them their food and off they go.

Four orders later, I was wrapping up the two muffins and placing them in a white bag and threw in a couple grape and strawberry jam packets.

“You do good work, and you’re fast, too.  How long have you been cooking?”

“Seems like forever.  How is it I’ve never seen you in here before?”

“I just started working across the street at the Fun Center.  I’m the cashier.  Make change so all the kids can play the pinball machines and video games.”

“I wouldn’t know.  Never played a video game before.  I use to play pinball all the time when I was in junior high and high school.”

“Maybe what you need is to start acting like a kid again.”  Her eyes lit up with a soft smile.

“Your muffins are getting cold.  I might stop over one of these days and see you in action for a change.”

“Bring plenty of quarters or just give me a ten-dollar bill for a roll, and we’ll talk, Bill.”  She started to walk away when I yelled out to her.

“Hey!  How did you know my name?”

“Easy.  Linda’s yelled it out enough times.”

“Oh, yeah, silly me.  So, what’s your name?”

“Nancy.  Have a great day.”

“You, too.”  I watched her walk out the door.  What a body.  What a face.

Linda walked up next to me and rolled her eyes.

“Geesh, ‘how did you know my name’.  Who doesn’t know your name, lover-boy, now get ready.”  She giggled and poked me in the side.

“Now, one scramble, French toast and a stack.”

I grinned, but the order brought me back down to planet earth.

“Got it, Linda.  The scramble, white or wheat?”

I got off work at two, changed clothes and headed to the Wagon Wheel for a beer.  Today was a real bear as far as customers went.  Todd, my boss, said we did just a little over five grand between breakfast and lunch, and for a Monday, that’s busy, especially since I’m the only cook.

After three beers, I decided to stop by the Fun Center and check out Nancy.  Walking three doors down from the Wagon Wheel, I went inside and faced all sorts of flashing lights and sounds coming from all the different games, as well as music blasting rock and roll through speakers I couldn’t see.

The place looked more like a disco joint than a video arcade.  Flashing lights from the ceiling and walls; strobe lights placed here and there as you walked from one area to the next, pinball and video games lined along two walls, with another fifty or more taking center stage in the middle of the room.  If I were doing drugs, I’d have sworn I was on an LSD-Disco-Light-In-My-Face-High.

Looking around, I spotted one booth and watched as three people waited in line to get change.  None of the three were kids.  I suddenly didn’t feel out of place, or was that out of touch?

I couldn’t help but smile while I stood in line.  Nancy seemed so business-like.  I pulled a dollar out of my pocket and waited for my turn to get change.

Nancy’s head was lowered as I was finally next and slid my dollar under a glass partition.

“Can I help you?”

“I’d like four quarters and your phone number.”

“Excuse me.”  Her head shot upward.  “Oh, hi there.  So you made it over here.”

“I figure it makes good public relations.  You see me at work; it’s only fair I get to see you do your thing.”

“What I do and what you do are entirely not at all related.  I don’t near as hard as you do, but the kids who come in here, along with these machines constantly making noise can give me one hell of a headache.  Drives me crazy at times.”

“I don’t doubt that for a second.  On top of that, you have to put up with strange men asking for your phone number in the middle of the day at the same time.”

She flashed her smile again and about that time, a small slender man walked into her booth.

“Nancy, let me get the totals and cash from you.”

“Okay, Sid.  Oh, Sid, this is Bill.  He works at the Sunrise Gardens across the street.  Bill, my boss, Sid.  The other English muffin,” she winked.

We acknowledged each other with a nod from our heads, but I thought I saw something defensive in his eyes.  Maybe it was imagination, but he had the look of a jealous man or that overbearing look of an over-protective father.  Nancy looked older than him, so scratch the last idea.

“Here are your quarters, Bill.  I have to close the booth for about twenty minutes, I’ll talk with you later.”  She still smiled that smile that could stop a person dead in their tracks.

“Sure thing.”  I took my quarters, smiled back, tuned and wandered over to a video game, slipped a quarter in the slot and stared at the screen as I watched two yellow things chasing after one another, then followed by two other colored balls.  I had no clue what to do.

I felt the same way about Nancy.  I wasn’t sure if I should really pursue her or not, or if she was just being friendly.  Besides, we’ve only just met, give it some time.

After I put my last quarter in the machine of a game called, Pac-Man, which I was starting to get the hang of and (don’t tell anyone) really starting to like; I finished with a score of 116,340.  Not shabby.  There was another one identical to it to my left and I noticed the score on that one.  I realized I had a long way to go before I could be considered great yet alone good.  Right now, I sucked.  That other machine’s score?  996,970.

I went back to her booth as I spotted Sid walking away.  I pulled another dollar out of my pocket.

Nancy sat there, smiling at me.

“You’re getting hooked, aren’t you?”

“The game?  Maybe.  You?  Possibly.  I smiled right back at her.

“I don’t mean to pry, but I got the impression that Sid is a little more than your boss.”

“You are quick.  Picked up on that right away, huh?”

“It was just something in the way he looked at me that said he’s more than your boss.”

“There is, but you wouldn’t understand.  Then again, maybe you would.  I’m going home shortly, Bill.  You’ll have to excuse me while I get ready to check out for the next shift.  See you again, I hope.”

A younger girl with a name tag pressed onto her blouse in big letters, ANNA, was waiting for Nancy to finish up.

“Sure you will.  And you know where to find me.”  I knew I had a look of perplexity about me, because Nancy looked at me and winked again.

“Don’t let Sid’s look or appearances get to you.  I would like to see you again.  We’ll talk sometime, okay?”

“Okay-fine.  Take care.”

We smiled at one another, then Nancy pulled her cashier curtain down, and both her and ANNA, were hidden from view.  The changing of the “video-queens” was about to take place.

I walked out of the neon-dark, video-disco parlor into a still brightly sun-filled day that made my eyes hurt.

Walking back to my apartment four blocks away, I was thinking all the way home that she really liked me.  I knew it was only one day, but what a day.

Of course the other thing I thought about was her and Sid.  I had a funny feeling something was going on between those them that wasn’t right.  What that was, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something didn’t feel right.  I had a feeling if I kept seeing Nancy, I’d find out soon enough.

*********

“Anna, after you empty all the machines into this bag, just bring it over here.”  Nancy was walking Anna around, explaining what she had to do one hour prior to closing time.  Nancy then brought her to Sid’s office door and right next to it was a lift-up door, similar to a doggy-door.

“When you lock the front doors at closing time, take the bag and push it through here, then lock up and go home.  Pretty simple.

“So empty them all?  No counting?”

“Nope.  That’s Sid’s job.  First thing in the morning, he makes the count with a coin machine that also puts them in a plastic wrapper of forty coins each.  Then he makes a quick run to the bank and then back here.  Trust me, Anna, this gig is a no-brainer.”

“Seems like it.”

“Nancy,” called out Sid.  “You ready to go?”

She looked at Sid.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

**********

The next few days were busy ones for both Nancy and I, as well as Linda, my partner in kitchen grease.  Seemed like everyone in the world came in to eat.  We broke sales records every day.

There was a conference convention in town.  Real Estate Management Brokers were flooding the city.  It’s good business, more money for us.  Just less time in seeing Nancy, though I did every morning.  Two English muffins, like clockwork.

This Thursday morning was no different.

She walked in bright and early, looking as sharp as she always does.  Like always, she ordered her English muffins.

As she made her way down to my end of the line where I would hand her order to her, she said, “Thanks, Bill.  Oh, before I forget, I won’t be in tomorrow.  I’m going to Sacramento tomorrow for the weekend.  Going to visit some friends I haven’t seen in a while.”

“Have fun, just do me a favor and be safe.  Sacramento is a decent city, but they do have their share of crime up there, almost as bad as here.  Whatever you do, just come back in one piece.  That’s the way I want to see you come Monday.”

“So I can’t leave an arm or leg with my friends,” she laughed.  “Seriously, I’ll be fine.  I won’t get back into Frisco until late Sunday night, but fear not, my fearless protector, I’ll be just fine.”

“Okay, but still … be careful.”

“You, too.  I’ll miss you.  Bye!”

Her words weren’t lost on me.  I watched her walk away, her brisk yet sensual walk caused me to forget about the eggs I had on the grill until Linda poked me in the side.

“I thought they were supposed to be over-easy, not straight up and hard.”

“Damn.  Sorry, Linda.  Won’t take me a minute to do another one.”

“You go, lover-boy.”

I looked over at her and she was grinning from ear to ear.  For a brief flash, I thought I saw something in her eyes that said; oh hell, no way.  But she is a beautiful woman.  A little chunky but beautiful.  But we work together.  I have a firm rule of not dating the help.  Never a good idea.

Getting my head back on track, it was back to doing what I do best.  The rest of the day was the same as the ones gone by; all work and busy.

I was never so glad to see Friday show up.  Between Linda and a part-timer, Alicia, and myself, we had the place spit-shined and all polished up, ready to be opened come Monday morning so we could do it all over again.  The convention wouldn’t be over for another week.

Alicia had a family reunion to attend.  Linda’s sister and brother-in-law were in town with their two little ones, so everyone had places to go, people to see except me.  Somewhere in Sacramento, Nancy was having fun.

My weekend started in the Wagon Wheel for a few beers.  Friday is generally the roughest day of the week, followed by Monday.  For some reason, it was tougher knowing I wouldn’t get to see Nancy.

Early afternoon is the best time to be in the Wagon Wheel.  It isn’t crowded, semi-quiet except for an occasional song coming from the jukebox playing sixties music, and you would always see the same regulars sitting in the same chairs, drinking the same drinks, telling almost the same stories every day to anyone who would listen.

Usually, Larry, the bartender, who puts me in mind of the bartender Jackie Gleason use to play on his show, would be behind the bar singing or humming a tune or telling stories or a few jokes.  Larry had a million to share so he never told the same one twice; at least not since I’ve been going there, and that’s been three years.  This time, a woman who looked to be thirty-five to forty, pleasant to look at, with short brown hair, was working in his place.  I went to my usual stool at the bar and watched as she walked over to me.

“Hi.  What’ll you have?”

“Hello, yourself.  Miller-Lite.  Where’s Larry?”

“He went to Denver early this morning.  He got a phone call that his sister died in her sleep.”

“It was Elaine, wasn’t it?  He would mention her name now and then.  She was his favorite.”  She walked away, grabbed a glass, and slid open a cold bar lid, pulled out a can of beer, pertly walking back.

“It was her.  Elaine’s been sick now, oh, I’d say close to a year.  She had a heart attack which left her partially paralyzed back then.  Larry’s been going back there every other weekend since.  Here’s your beer.  That’ll be a buck-fifty.”

I handed her two singles.  “Keep the change.”

She walked to the register, rang up the price, placed the money inside, closed the register and walked back over to me.

“First time I’ve seen you in here.”

Pouring my beer, I said, “Makes us even.”

“I work nights as a rule.  Since his sister died, I told Larry not to worry.  I like Larry, so I’m covering his shift as well as mine.”

“That explains it then.  As a rule, I never come in at night or on weekends.”

Someone two bar-stools over motioned for another beer and she walked away to open a Bud for the guy.  I noticed her butt, just a little too big for the rest of her body but for the most part, she wasn’t bad looking.  She looked like a woman who knew what to do with a man, and to him.  She also looked like the kind of woman that didn’t take much lip from one either.  It takes a certain breed of person to be a bartender I imagined, because you get all kinds of people coming in and out.

Thinking about Nancy, she kind of struck me the same way; only Nancy wasn’t around.

The bartender came back to face me again,

“My name is Dianne.  What’s yours?”

“Bill.  I work across the street at the Gardens.  I cook there.  As long as no one dies from my cooking, I know I’ll always have a job.”  I sipped my beer, smiled at her and she smiled back.

“Well, Chef Bill; are you married, have a girlfriend, or anything like that?”

“Okay.  As to being married; never have and maybe never will.  I’m only twenty-six.  If I ever do get married, I figure I have a few years left to enjoy being single.  As far as a girlfriends goes, no one at the moment, but you never know when that’ll change.  Right now, let’s say they are too expensive.  And no, in case you are wondering, I’m not gay either.”

“Since about half the city is, that’s good to hear.  If you can take a hint, I’m a cheap date.  Just try me and find out.”  She smiled at me with her eyes, winked and went back to doing her job, wiping down the bar, serving drinks, washing glasses, and restocking beer in the cooler.

I continued sipping my beer, knowing exactly what she meant.  I wasn’t quite sure if she was serious, but she did look pretty good, and I was never one for turning down an opportunity when it presented itself.  The only difference were our ages.  She had a good ten, maybe fifteen years on me.  What the hell, if it didn’t bother her, who was I to complain.

Another hour and two beers later, I stood away from the bar and waved at Dianne.  She was all smiles.

“Leaving so soon?”

“It’s been a long day, and an even longer week.  I’ve been up since four this morning and I need to get home and shower off the eggs, bacon and burger grease that’s sticking to me.”

“If you want, you can come back tonight.  I close up at one, and you could come over to my place and take another shower, that is, if you’re interested.”

She was serious.

“I just might do that.  If I’m not back, say by midnight, can I get a rain check?”

“Anytime, Bill.”

I waved goodbye, turned and went outside and squinted my eyes to readjust to the daylight.  Stretching a little, I turned left, walked the four blocks to my apartment.  First thing I did was strip down, hit the shower for about thirty minutes, and then shaved.

Dressing in only my boxer’s for the time being, I went into the kitchen, popped a TV dinner in the oven I hate to make a meal from scratch for just me), popped open a Pepsi and turned on the tube to catch the nightly news.

While eating my macaroni and cheese, I decided to take Dianne up on her offer.  Secretly, I wished to hell it would have been Nancy, but one can’t have everything.

Nancy and I haven’t any commitments, or any alone time, yet alone any meaningful one-on-one conversations yet.

From Friday night until Sunday night, I had one hell of a session with Dianne.  I found out she was forty-seven, which impressed me that she looked as good as she did.  She made love like she was twenty, and once away from the bar and back at her place, sex was all she had on her mind.  The woman couldn’t get enough.  She made me feel good, yet, every now and then when I would look at her, I would see Nancy’s face.

I started to think I was hooked on that woman.  Monday morning couldn’t get here quick enough for me.  I wanted to see Nancy again.

Yeah, I’m hooked.

The next two weeks were pretty much the same.  Busy.  Nancy would come in every morning for her muffins, and every afternoon I would stop by the Fun Center.  My Pac-Man playing was improving, too.  Best score so far: 508,010.

I did find out from one of our many longer conversations we were finally having, that she and her boss, Sid, also doubled as her live-in, sometimes lover, and was also slightly kinky.  Sid liked to dress in drag and be tied to the bed for hours at a time.  Talk about weird.  Different strokes — different folks.

Nancy has two kids who live in New Jersey and every December, she goes back to spend the holidays with them at her parent’s home.  Her parents adopted her son and daughter.  Nancy, once upon a time wasn’t a very good mom.

Nancy use to be a hooker.  She hustled the streets in San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago and New York City.  She carted her kids with all across the country.  Her parents took her to court and won a custody battle for the kids and the adoption was approved sometime later.

Nancy quit hooking.  She was allowed to see her kids twice a year a week at a time or two weeks at one time.  She opted for the all at once mode.

It was another Friday morning.  Nancy came in as she always did.  Bouncy, full of life, and just as sexy as ever, even if it was seven in the morning.

“Hi, Bill.  Have you got a minute?”

“For you, I have a lifetime,” I smiled.  “Just give me about ten seconds to plate this food.”

“Think so, huh?  We’ll see about that lifetime.”

Plating the food and calling out number 27, I turned my attention back to Nancy.

“So, little lady; what’s up?”

“I’m getting off work early today and I was wondering if we could go somewhere private and talk-talk.”

“Sure.  How about Carmody’s on the hill.  It’s quiet and cozy.  They have a fireplace and an old gal who plays piano, though I don’t think she’d be there in the afternoon.  Claims she would play with Ira Gershwin back in the day, and it’s been rumored she was one of the Gershwin’s lover, either Ira or George; but you know how rumors can be.”

“Sounds good to me.  I’ll meet you there, say about threeish?”

“What’s your drink of pleasure?”

“I’m a Tom Collins kind of girl.”

“Threeish it is, then.  When you go inside, tell Andy, he’s the bartender; that you’re waiting on me.  It’s a private club.  He’ll let you hang out.

“Here’s your muffins.  Have a great day and I’ll see you this afternoon.  Bye, Nancy.”

We gave each other a quick smile and I watched her walk away until she was lost in the early morning crowd hustling to get to work.

In between all the cooking and cleaning I did, Linda, who also doubles as the cashier, deli-clerk, and who sets up the display case every morning with fruit, juice drinks, and also sets up the salad bar, walked over to me.  Out part-timer was cleaning tables and sweeping the floor.  We actually had a lull for a change.  Rare, but it happens.

Linda is about twenty-four, not quite my height, an inch shorter (five-eight), and very pretty well-endowed in the chest.  No, I haven’t overlooked her, but like I said, I make it a practice to never date, or do the help.  I tease her now and then saying that one of these days, those breasts of hers would cause her to fall on her face.

“Kinda stuck on her, aren’t you?”

“Her who, Linda?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Nancy?  Yeah, I guess you could say that.  Don’t tell me you’re jealous?”

“Me?  You have to be kidding.  I do like her though.  She seems like a nice enough girl.”

Something about the way Linda looked at me then, told me something else, but work isn’t the place to press for feelings.

“I agree.  Linda, she’s one of the nicer women I’ve met in several years.”  I stroked Linda’s face and with a parting grin, said, “Present company included of course.”

“Aw, go on, get outta here.”  She playfully slapped my arm and went back down to her end to finish setting things up for the lunch crowd.

The next four hours breezed by and before I knew it, we were closed, cleaning up and getting ready to enjoy the weekend.  After I had all the food put into the walk-in refrigerator, I looked at my watch and saw I had about an hour before I was to meet Nancy.

I wondered what she wanted to talk about.

**********

I walked into Carmody’s a few minutes after three and spotted Nancy sitting at the bar wearing a red silk blouse and white designer jeans.  Her hair was meticulously in place and she looked gorgeous.  I walked up alongside her.

“Hi.  Been waiting long?”

“Not very.”

“Good.  Why don’t we sit over there by the fireplace?  You haven’t ordered anything yet, I see.”

“I wanted to wait until you arrived first.”

I looked at Andy, the bartender. “Andy, scotch and water and a Tom Collins for the lady.  We’ll be over by the fireplace.”

“Consider it there.  So how’s the food business, Bill?”

“It’s about as good as it ever was.  I’m just grateful to whoever the person was that invented weekends.”

Nancy and I walked over to a loveseat about ten feet from a cozy fire.  It might seem strange in early August, but at Carmody’s, you would have to be in the atmosphere to fully appreciate what surrounds you.  Call it warm, call it cozy, but Carmody’s has always been a club built for romance.

Behind us and off to the left sat a white-oak piano now void of a player.  Over the speaker system though, light melodious music played.

Warm and cozy.

“This is kind of nice to finally have some time with you away from our jobs.  So tell me, what do you want to talk about.”

“You and me.  Us.  Life.  The world; anything and everything.”

“I can handle the you-me-us part.  I know a little about the world, but I don’t know everything.”

“You know what I mean; at least I hope you do.  Since we’ve been talking the last few weeks, Bill, I’ve come to really enjoy being around you.  You are so easy to talk with.  You don’t ask me for anything or push yourself onto me.  You seem to understand me when I need understanding the most and you haven’t judge my past.”

“Nancy, where I come from, they call it listening to what’s being said.”  Andy came over with our drinks.  “Just put it on my tab, Andy, and thanks.”  He nodded and left us to our remote corner of the world.

“Listening is only a part of who you are, what you are, and what you do.  I see a strong yet sensitive guy who is creative, energetic, and tell me if I’m wrong, but passionate as well.”

“I’m passionate about a lot of things, Nancy.  If you mean when I’m with someone privately, even more so.  But I don’t let my passion get out of control unless it turns into something fulfilling, like love.  Then I just get crazy-rampant and don’t know when to stop.”

She smiled.

“Can you control your passion now?”

“In here, sure.  When we get outside, I’m not making any promises.”

“Get serious for a minute.  Sometimes when I am home and it’s late at night, I fantasize making love with you, Bill.  When I wake up in the morning, I see you lying next to me in bed, smiling at me.  In the shower together, or at the zoo feeding the animals, at a movie, walking around town, window shopping, or down by the oceanfront.  Even other things like this, sitting by a warm fire.  What about you?  What do you see?  You can’t tell me you aren’t interested.  If you aren’t, then I’ve read you all wrong.”

“You read right.  My only drawback is Sid.  Granted, this relationship you two have is strange, but you can see in his eyes the man really cares for you.  I’ve never been on for stepping in between two people, no matter how much I may want someone.  I wouldn’t want that done to me.  If you were solo, as in unattached; I would have tried a long time ago.”

“Why let that bother you?  Sid and I live together, but we aren’t married, and we have separate bedrooms, so we don’t and never have slept together.  I really want to be with you, Bill.  You’re fun to be around.  You make me laugh, and I need to laugh more than I have.  I want to make love with you.  I want us to experience things together.

“Before you say anything. There is one thing that can never happen between us.  You can’t allow yourself to fall in love me.  We can have a great time and make love, but you can’t fall in love with me.”

“Nancy, I care a great deal for you and I’ve had thoughts every day about wrapping my arms around you, holding you, making love with you.  But what you’re asking of me is a tall order.  I mean, asking to not fall in love with you is like asking to go back in time and stop the A-Bomb before it dropped on Japan.  I just can’t turn my emotions on and off like a water faucet.”

“I know what I’m asking is hard, but it’s the only way we can ever be together.  Let me explain a few things I’ve not told you.

“A few years ago, after my parents had taken custody of my kids, Sid came along.  I was having a rough time. Still hooking and that.  I was heavy into drugs to cut the pain.” 

I showed a look of concern.

“Yes, I said pain.  I have Cancer, Bill.  Terminal.  I have less than a year at best.  Anyway, Sid came along, took me in with the understanding he couldn’t fall in love with me either.  The thing is; I know he loves me, but he doesn’t push, or bring it up, he cares that much.  We play our games and life rolls on.  As far as my kids go, it’s gotten to the point with each visit I make, they see me more as an aunt than their mother.  I’m good with that.

“They were very young when my parents took them in.  I know my parents will raise them right.  I love them dearly, but I can’t give them what they need.  My parents can.

“Maybe it’s just part of the years I lived on the streets that’s made me this way, but love has no concept in my life.  If I weren’t going to die, yeah; I think things would probably be different.  Sid and I have a good thing going and we keep it that way.  I want to have a good thing with you, and want to keep it, hopefully, just a little better.  I don’t know; please, just humor me, will you?”

I looked her in the eyes and saw the pleading lost look of the little girl trapped within her.  Even then, she was more beautiful than ever.

“You are asking a lot from me.  I’m not sure I can fill what you want and need.  God, you make it hard on a man.”

“I hope so,” she laughed.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”  I still smiled though.

“You’re making it difficult for me to say yes, and if I say no, then I’ll feel like I lost the opportunity of a lifetime and feel like a jerk at the same time.

“Give me a few days to sort all this out, okay?  I’ve never been approached like this before by a woman, Nancy.

“I wasn’t expecting the afternoon to start out like this.  Here I am thinking that I was the one who was supposed to make the move on you, not you on me.

“For now, I have the perfect solution.  Why don’t I get us another drink, and we’ll sit here and talk about something other than having an affair.”

Nancy reached over, kissed my lips lightly, then with a bit more insistence, then pulled back and smiled.

“I’m glad you said what you did just now.  If you had agreed right away, I would have turned you down.  It tells me you have real feelings underneath your otherwise outward appearance of someone filled with comedy and the attitude of Mister I-don’t-give-a-damn.  I knew I made the right choice about and with you.  It’s one of the things I knew you could be; sensible.  Now that’s what I call a great combination, funny and sensible.  Good looking, too.

“Take the time you need.  Give it some thought.  You let me know when you’re ready, or if you want to keep things the way they are now.  Take all the time you need.  I’m not going anywhere for a while.  And another drink sounds good.”

I went up to the bar, handed him two empty glasses, asking for another round as before, when he made a quiet, but open statement.

“I’ve got to say this, Bill, that’s the first chick I’ve seen you with since you’ve been coming in here.  She your wife?  Man, what a knockout.  You sure know how to pick’em.  What’s your secret?”

Shrugging my shoulders, I grinned.  “Andy, all you have to do is be is funny and sensible.”  I picked up the two new drinks and left Andy with a rather odd look on his face.

Nancy and I had one more drink before she had to leave.  She had to be back home before Sid.  I walked her out to her car, opened her door, and we kissed once more; a short yet lingering kiss, with a promise of more.

As she settled behind the wheel she looked up at me and said, “I won’t be coming into the Gardens for a while.  At least not until you let me know what your decision is.  I don’t want to pressure you.  Take the time you need.  Okay?”

“Sure.  I understand.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that other junk.”

Smiling at each other once more, she turned the ignition, the engine roared to life and pulled away.  I turned, walked behind Carmody’s, where my car was parked in the private lot and drove back to my apartment, thinking the entire drive back about what we talked about, and the way—the only way it could be.

What a deal.  I can love her but not be in love with her.  She’s going to die, and neither I, nor anyone can change that.  I want more out of this than she’ll let me give.  The whole thing doesn’t sound fair.  It’s not fair!  I’m already in love with her!  I finally found the one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and because of her cancer, it’s never going to happen.  What to do, what to do.

Not a damn thing.

The following week was busy.

Another large event was in town because of the Annual Gymnastics Trials held at the Cow Palace.  The Gardens, just like every other restaurant, was packed to the rafters.

Every morning I looked for Nancy to walk through the front doors, but she was true to her word.  Even Linda looked for her and mentioned it to me between the many rushes we had.

“What happened?  You two have a fight or something?”

“Fight?  What fight?  Who are you talking about, Linda?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Bill.  We’ve worked together too long.  So, are you going to tell me, or do I have to beat it out of you?”

It was close to closing time and I was starting to clean my area.  All that was left was the grill.

“It’s like this,” I looked at Linda, then the grill, then back to Linda.  “That damn grill can wait a little longer.  Actually, I need some advice.  This is my problem ….”

I explained to her about meeting Nancy at Carmody’s, what we talked about, what I really wanted and what only Nancy would accept.

“So tell me, what am I supposed to do?”

“Sounds to me like you have two choices.  Go over to the Fun Center and tell her yes, or don’t go and forget about her.  Either way, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  I’m not blind either, Bill.  I know how you feel about her.  I see it in your eyes, your expression every time she came in.  Women are a strange breed.  Some want love, family, marriage, along with a white-picket fence.  Others want to tease, and some, like myself, want a man for sex with no strings attached.”  I looked at her in surprise.

“Don’t look at me like I’m an angel.  I have flesh and blood and hormones that go crazy.  I don’t ball every guy I meet, though there are a bundle I’d love to get my hands on, but I don’t, and I won’t.  Then there’s Nancy.  She’s looking for that extra something in her life.  It’s called an affair, but an affair that isn’t based on cheating and lies.  If you know upfront what’s going on, nobody gets hurt.  It’s what you don’t know that will screw up your head.

“Personally, I think she made the right choice with you.  You have a great personality, sense of humor, witty as hell, and you’re sensitive; and … if I thought I had a chance, I’d take you to bed in a heartbeat.”

My mouth dropped open.

“I never knew you felt like that about me.  This is probably going to sound silly, but I’m flattered.  But you’re right.  I either commit or let the bus pass me by.  Thing is, I want her bad.  At the same time, I know we can never be an item.  What about it, Linda?  Do I follow my heart and tell my head to get lost, or what?”

“Do you love her, Bill?”

“Do I, uh, yeah, I do.”

“There’s your answer.”  She patted her hand on my butt, smiled and said, “Nice buns, too.  If you ever get the inkling for a strange piece, call me.”

“Get out of here!  Hey,” I said softly, “thanks.”

“You don’t have to thank me.  Just finish cleaning up your grill and that and get that cute little ass out of here and tell her how you feel.”

Twenty minutes later I was finished.  Linda walked up to me.

“Go on, get out of here.  I can handle the rest of this place.  I don’t mind.  See you later and have fun.”

I ripped off my apron, went to my locker, changed into my street clothes, went back out through the front of the restaurant, waving goodbye to Linda and out the front doors I went.

I couldn’t get over what Linda said to me.  Maybe that’s why she reacted to me the way she did a couple weeks ago.  It’s hard to believe she’s jealous of Nancy.  My imagination perhaps?  Who knows.

Going inside the Fun Center, the twirling lights and sounds again surrounding me like a disco dance floor, I went directly to the cashier’s booth.  Nancy looked right at me and I watched as her smile came alive as I smiled back at her.

“Well, I’m here.  Where do we go from here?”

“One thing at a time, and tonight would be an excellent time.  Sid has to go out of town for a few days, his mom’s sick.  We’ll have the apartment to ourselves, without any interruptions.”

Nancy broke out pen and paper, scribbled her address on it and slid it to me.

“What time do you want to come over?”

“Ah, what time is Sid leaving?”

“If you must know, I’ll be leaving in three hours.”

I side-stepped and whipped to my left.  Sid’s voice was as close to me as the hairs on the back of my neck.

“Didn’t mean to startle you.”  Sid’s eyes, pitch black, seemed to burn right through me.

“But I’m only going to say this once because I hate repeating myself, so do try to comprehend what I’m about to say.  Nancy means a great deal to me.  She knows I will do anything to make her happy.  Right now, you make her happy.  The minute—no, the second you hurt her in any way, I swear, I will kill you.  Do I make myself perfectly clear?”  Sid’s eyes were hard as nails.  No room for softness.  No room for error.

“Yeah, you did.  Don’t worry.  I don’t want to hurt her any more than you would.  Just answer me one question.”

“Make it quick.  I have totals to take and then be on my way.”

“Why do you stand out of the way, I don’t get it.  Why don’t you put up a fight for her?”

“We aren’t married.  We haven’t made demands on each other, or commitments, and we don’t keep secrets from each other.  She’s a free spirit wanting to soar the heavens and live life to the fullest, and I’m not going to clip her wings.”

Sid abruptly turned on his heels, went into the booth where Nancy gave him her cash drawer and he started counting money.  In a few minutes, he had taken a portion of it and placed it in a blue bank bag he held in his hand when he first startled me.  He then stepped out and walked to his office.  As he went by me, I saw what he didn’t want me to see; a tear in his eye.  I turned and looked at Nancy.

“Sorry about that, Bill.  Sid has an uncanny way of sneaking up on people.”

“That’s okay.  He’s a hell of a guy if you ask me.”

“I don’t have to, I know already.  So answer my question, what time will you be coming over tonight?”

“How does seven sound?”

“Seven works for me.  See you then.  I have to get things ready here for my relief.  Oh, did I ever tell you, you have a cute ass?”

“God, not you, too.  This is unbelievable.  Linda practically said the same thing before I got off work.”

“Then it has to be true.  Two women can’t be wrong.  Better watch out for her.  She wants you just as badly as I do; maybe even more.”

“What is all this?  Linda tells me you want me.  You tell me Linda wants me.  How can you girls tell things like this?”

“Call it intuition, call it being perceptive.  We just know.  See you tonight.”  She winked, smiled and went back to doing her job.

Shrugging my shoulders in that you-can’t-win-shrug, I left the Fun Center and stopped off at the Wagon Wheel for a quick beer.  Larry was there, Dianne wasn’t, thank heaven.  Dianne was the last person I wanted to see.

Larry seemed to be his old self since the funeral, but if you knew Larry like I did, you would have noticed the changes.  His sister’s death took some of the spunk out of him.  He still greeted people with a smile, still told his jokes and stories, but the natural gleam in his eyes dulled over.

After the one beer, I headed back to my apartment, I thought about Larry and his sister in relation to Nancy and myself.  Is that how I would look after she died?  And what about Sid?

God, I hope I’m doing the right thing.

Love can be a real bitch at times.

I arrived ten minutes early.  She let me in and I was immediately drawn into her arms by her appearance. 

She stood in a long flowing white satin gown, slit up the sides to her upper thighs, where her stockings held by a garter-belt. Also white, took over, and set my thoughts of how this night was going to be.  Even her high-heels were white.  She radiated sensuality to the highest degree I’ve ever seen from a woman.

“I take it you like?  Don’t just stand there, say something.”

“Oh, I like alright.  I like very much.  I thought you were beautiful before, but now, you’re absolutely stunning.”

She walked into my arms and for the first time, we were locked in a kiss embracing the edges of passion.  Even with my eyes closed, I could see lights flashing colors off in ecstasy.

The flavor of her flesh filled me at that moment where time had stopped.  Then I felt as if I were floating on air.  Nancy felt comfortable to me as if we’ve done this a thousand times, just as I have in my thoughts and dreams.

I nuzzled myself into her soft hair, breathing in her soul.  Kissing. Licking, stroking her cheek with my fingers, trailing along her throat and down along each arm.  My hands caressed across her satin-covered back, to her sides and back again.

This is where I belonged.  With her.

The daylight was trailing away and began to soften to a pale gray, making way for a night that would surround our beginning for a new day to emerge.

We broke our embrace, and Nancy tilted her head back, shaking her hair away from her face.

“I take it you would rather have some wine a little later?”

“A lot later.”

Nancy placed her hand in mine and led me to her bedroom that was filled with tiny sparkles held in suspension by the wax beneath them.  Well over three dozen candles softened the room.

At the edge of the bed, she slowly began undressing me until I was as naked as life itself.  She turned me slowly until I was facing away from the bed and she guided me downward where I lay on my back looking up at her.

As she stood there, all in white, and the candles shimmering, giving off an aura of mystical light behind her, I smiled, thinking she looked like a beautiful angel.  My angel.

She slipped off her satin gown and I gasped in pleasure she openly shared as I viewed her sensual body for the very first time.  She knelt on the bed, running her left hand up and down my body, from chest to my ankles, bringing me to a state of intense arousal I never thought possible to achieve.  This feeling went beyond my sensibilities.

Reaching for her, I pulled her up and over me as she leaned down, and we kissed deeply, embraced tightly, and our flesh melding in unison as the glow of the candles began to flicker into near nothingness as the hours flew beyond us.

She cried out her passion many times that first night, and I cried out my own as well.  Never in my life did I ever feel this much desire, passion and love for a woman as I did then.

Sex, passion, love, desire; all became one embodiment that first night.  A night we never noticed becoming a brand-new morning.

A brand-new day.

A brand new, us.

**********

The following two days were the best of my life.

We spent all of Saturday morning making love in a lazy kind of way and laughing about things that normally wouldn’t be important.  She tickled me, and I tickled back.  We ended up having a pillow fight with only one pillow if you can picture that.  (We found the other one later, under the bed.)

Eventually, we found our way from the bed to the shower which took an hour, then we took a second one to get clean.

We dressed and settled in for a lite lunch at Mel’s, a small deli-sit-in-take-out place.  Their deli meats are the best.  From there, we decided to go to the zoo.  We did a slow casual stroll past all the animals and when we came to the elephants, she asked me if I knew what was so special about them.  I hadn’t a clue.

“Elephants are the only animal that walks correctly.  They don’t cross over their feet but walk straight.  One would think because they are so big they couldn’t do that, but they do.  Just watch their feet when they move.”

I did, and sure enough, one foot in front of the other.  I never gave them that much thought before.  I would have never guessed that a two to three-ton animal is that graceful.

We continued walking when Nancy spoke out again.

“Bill,” she pointed, “over there on that side of the pond, seem them by those clump of bushes?”  Nancy sounded like a little girl of ten.  “It’s a fawn and her mother.”

They were foraging for food, nibbling at the grass below their legs.

“Sure do.  Almost makes me think we’re not at a zoo but out there somewhere in the world enjoying Mother Nature’s magical creations so to speak.  Just like you.”

Holding hands, we started walking again when she said, “You’re funny; you know that?”

“Funny?  How so?”

“I don’t know.  I guess it’s the way you say things.  Sometimes you are so serious and other times you let the other side of you come out that appeals to my senses.  You’re refreshing from all the other men I’ve met in my life, and before you ask, even Sid.  But you are definitely different.  Most guys all have the same lines and sometimes, I think they are all married to the same woman.  You, on the other hand are just, just natural.”

“Gee, thanks.  That’s something I’ve been working toward all my life.  I’m glad you noticed.”

“Bill, if I didn’t think we’d get caught, I’d like to stay here the night after closing and make love in here with you.  It’s exciting here, all of nature’s sound, and the reality is so vivid.”

“Just like you.”  I realized what I said when she looked over at me.  I turned my head away, looked to the other side of the fence where the fawn and her mother was still nibbling away, and for a small moment, the mother raised her head and stared directly at me, as if anticipating my next move.

“What’s wrong?”

“Let’s just say it was a slip of the tongue.”

“I get it.  You’re going to have to deal with the fact I’m going to die.  That’s part of our arrangement.  You, me, Sid, and all of our friends can’t do anything to change it.  In the meantime, I am very much alive, very much a woman, and very intent to live my life the way I want until I can’t any longer.  Let’s enjoy what we have and worry about the bad stuff another time.”

“I’m trying, Nancy, dammit I am.  Let me tell you something.  Before I met you, before we made love, before all the talks we had; I never thought I’d be able to feel this way with a woman.  Oh, I can have a good time and all that, and I can be understanding and funny and make love, but this, this is far different for me.  You’ve triggered something inside me I didn’t believe would ever surface; real emotion.  Our talks last night, things like today, and the right now is special to me.  I can say things and not worry about being shot down.  I can be someone when around you, instead of somebody.  I can feel what it means to love instead of lusting after a woman.  You make me feel damn good, and it sucks; no, it stinks to high heaven you aren’t going to be around a long time to enjoy life, and for me to enjoy you.

“There, I’ve said my piece.  I know I can’t change a damn thing, but I had to get this out of my system before I started crying.”

“You’re already crying, you sweet, silly, warm person you.  I wish it could be different, I really do.  Who knows, if I wasn’t going to die, we may never have had last night, this morning or right now.”

Nancy changed the subject.  Well, not entirely.

“Did I ever tell you how I want my funeral?  Don’t turn away, Bill.  Just listen.  It’s simple and fun, at least to me.

“The Greeks really know how to handle a funeral.  They have a party.  They celebrate the passing of life with a good time.  That’s how I want to go out; at a party where I’m the guest of honor.  They dance, they drink, they tell stories and they laugh.  After I’m put in the ground and the dirt’s covered over me, I want everyone to dance on my grave all night, all day and all night again.  I want them to dance and dance until they can’t any longer.  That’s how I want to go out; as a person who was filled with life right to the very end. 

“Don’t feel guilty or left out, Bill.  Right now, and for as long as now will last, you are part of my life.  Right now, you are my dance.  After I’m gone, just think of me now and then.  Smile when you do.”

“You know I will.”

We didn’t talk after that.  We blended with the onlookers watching the animals, without any thought of the moment.

When we made it back to her apartment, it was as if an intense surge came over us and with clothes half-on, half-off, we made love on the living room carpet.

The rest of the weekend went too fast as far as I was concerned.

Monday morning exploded onto the scene and there I was, flipping eggs, hotcakes, cooking hamburgers, making soups, and the ‘Special of the Day’, Honey-Fried Chicken.  One big difference to this Monday from the others; I was smiling more.

“Must have been on heck of a weekend,” Linda commented.

“No, it wasn’t.  It was an ex-cell-ant weekend.”

“I take it you both hit it off really well.”

“That’s an understatement.  All I have to do is put her dying in the back of my head and keep it there somehow, and just enjoy the time we’ll have, when we have it.”

“Yeah, that has to be rough on both of you.  Look, if there is anything I can do, let me know.  I like you, Bill.  If you need a shoulder or something, just holler.  If you ever want to talk, you know I’m here.”

“Thanks, Linda.  What kind of something did you have in mind?”

“What do you think?”  She winked, turned and went back to work.

I shook my head.  I swear, women.  Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

Thank you, God, for making them just the same.

**********

Days, weeks and months passed, three of them to be exact.  Nancy and I were able to get together two or three times a week and every other weekend.

Through the week, we would go to Carmody’s and sit by the fire, sip our drinks, hold hands, listen to Margo, the pianist play, as we spoke about the sensible and insensible.

On weekends, we would make love and each time it only seemed to get better.  When we weren’t “pressing wrinkles in the sheets,” as Nancy would often say, we would find different things to do.

We went to a circus, a basketball game and even roller-skating.  A few times we drove across state lines into Nevada just to spend time in the desert.  The desert is perhaps the only place on earth where you won’t be bothered with city noises and people.  Quiet.

One time she took me to an antique store.  I wasn’t really into that sort of thing but watching her hunt around for a full-length mirror all day was funny.  When she finally found the one she wanted, she spent an hour talking the guy down from two-hundred to one-twenty-five.  I still think the bottom line was her sexy smile and good looks that convinced the owner to cave in.

We would go to the movies, especially the scary kind.  Nancy loves gore and violence.  When something too shocking hit the screen, she would grab my arm and hide her face in the crook of my shoulder, asking, “Is it over yet?”  Since her fear was really a pretense, I didn’t mind watching these kinds of movies with her.

Beyond making love and all the other things we did, it was our evening walks I enjoyed most.  Hand in hand, walking in the park after midnight, the stars twinkling overhead, the moon, sometimes full, would follow our path.  The glow would shine down on her, giving her face a look of eternal youth.  She was soft to look at, and soft to the touch.  On the nights we walked, she never looked like a woman who was going to die, but rather a woman who would live forever.

The Sunday before Halloween, things changed.

Sid left for the weekend as he always did so we could have our alone time.  Like always, we involved ourselves with a heady session of passion.

Saturday evening, we had returned back to her apartment from watching a play, ‘1776’.  It wasn’t bad, but could have probably been better, but we enjoyed it just the same.  As Nancy said, “When you’ve see one revolutionary war play, what’s left to figure.”

After puttering around her apartment, each of us doing the bathroom ritual, I went into the kitchen and poured two glass of red California Oak wine.  I had just picked them up to go out to the living room when I heard her scream.

“BILL!  OH. GOD!  BILL!”

The glasses slipped through my fingers, splintering as they hit the floor as I raced into the living room and found her rolling on the floor clutching at her stomach.

I was on my knees by her side and watched the pain crease angry marks across her beautiful face.  I got up, went to the phone and dialed 911.  I explained what the situation was and within ten minutes an ambulance showed up and the paramedics took over.

They placed her on a gurney, set up an IV unit and rushed to University Hospital.  I rode in the back, holding her hand the entire drive.

“How long has she had this problem,” said a paramedic named Steve.

“A long time is all I can tell you.  She’s told me it’s cancer and terminal.  What’s going to happen now?”

Tears were streaming down my face and I didn’t bother wiping them away.  I knew this day would come, but never expected it to be like this.

“It’s hard to say.  They’ll run some tests to determine what treatment she’ll need.  Probably chemo would be my guess.  The doctor’s will want her to stay a few days to monitor her condition and for signs of progress.”

“Is she going to die?”

“Tonight?  No, thanks to your calling in time.  But, whatever amount of time she does have left, that’s hard to say.  That’s a question to ask the doctor who sees her after she’s been examined.”

I kept holding her hand and kept mumbling close to her ear over and over again, “I love you.”

**********

I called Sid from the hospital and it took him over four hours to arrive.  I could see his haggard expression, and I knew he loved Nancy every bit as much as I did, and maybe more.

“What’s happening?  Have you heard anything yet?  Is she okay?  How serious is it?  Can I see her?”

“Sid, the doctors are still looking her over.  We had just gotten back from watching a play when she went into convulsions and started bleeding all over herself.  And no, she isn’t okay.  We both know she’s going to die and it doesn’t get much worse than that.  You and I have tried to block it from our minds since we each met her.  Now, reality has hit her square in the face, and her, you, me … we have to deal with it here and now.”

“You don’t have to tell me what I already know.  I took care of her long before you came into the picture, and I’ll be doing it long after you’re gone, too.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I’ve had it with the way you’ve been with her.  I want you out of her life.  Gone.  These past months, she’s had far too much excitement because of you, and now it’s going to kill her.”

“Are you insane?  Look, this hasn’t been a cake-walk for me, for any of us, but it’s been the best thing that could have happened to her; to get her out and go crazy on life.  You sound like you want to keep her locked in a closet or in a rocking chair the rest of her life.  If you love her, Sid, you have no right to talk this way.”

“Love?  LOVE!  Don’t talk to me about love.  We experienced everything in the world as far as love goes.  I’ve sat back many times and let her have her way because I knew it made her happy.  I was with her when I finally convinced her to see a specialist about her cancer.  I was with her when she found out she’s going to die.  I was with her when she tried to kill herself once.”

That caught me by surprise.

“She never told you, did she?  Not surprising.  I was with her when her parents took her kids away from her.  I was with her when she had severe pains.  I was with her when ….”

“Excuse me, aren’t you the person that came in with Nancy Baker?”

I looked up at the doctor who had a look on her face that didn’t want to tell me something I was afraid to know.

“Yes.  How is she, doctor?”

“She stable for the moment.  She sleeping comfortably, and from the looks of you and your friend, I’d say that’s what you both need.  There isn’t anything either of you can do.  Ms. Baker is under a heavy sedative and anesthetized.  In the morning we’ll run several more tests to best determine the next steps to take.

“Doctor,” questioned Sid, “level with me.  What are her chances after tonight?”

“I can’t say for certain until we’ve run more tests as I said.  I have seen and experienced cases like this before and the prognosis can go either way.  Six months, a year, perhaps five years.  I wish I could be more definite than that but it’s the best I can tell you until after we run more tests.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a few other patients in emergency that need attention.”

He walked away leaving Sid and myself standing in a brightly-lit corridor like two children without a place to play.

Neither of us left the hospital.  Neither of us spoke a word to one another the rest of the night.

I quietly prayed for Nancy to pull through this.

Sometime during the night, I glanced over at Sid and watched as he cried, never making a sound.

I was doing the same thing on the inside.

When Tennyson penned these words, ‘tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all’; he sure got that one wrong.

I called Linda just after seven Sunday morning at her home and explained to her what had happened.

“Oh, that’s terrible, Bill.  Don’t worry about coming in Monday if you aren’t up for it.  I can have your shift covered.  I’ll just call our boss, he won’t mind covering for you.  Take all the time you need.  And don’t forget about that shoulder, too.”

“I haven’t.  You’re a life-saver.  Thanks, Linda.”

Sid left shortly after I spoke with Linda to go to the Fun Center long enough to find someone to replace Nancy for a few days.  When he returned later that morning, I told him I hadn’t heard anything new,

I knew we had to look like two stray dogs standing on one leg, but it was almost noon when we were both stunned, surprised, angry, and happy all at the same time as Nancy came walking toward us.

She looked pale, almost yellowish in color, and her lively bounce wasn’t so lively.

“Hi, guys.  Been waiting long?”

She went right to Sid, hugged him, then turned and hugged me.

Turning back to Sid, she said, “Take me home, please.  I’m tired of the doctors poking and prodding me.  They aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know.  I need to get some rest for the next few days.”

I was stunned.

“Why aren’t you staying here where they can keep an eye on you, for God’s sake!”

“Because I hate hospitals, that’s why.  I checked myself out.”

“Why?  That makes no sense.”

“Look, Bill.  Let me make this real simple for you.  If you think I’m going to stay in a white, stay-puff hospital while they fill my arms with drugs and sedatives and shove tubes down my throat, and give me chemo that’ll make my hair fall out, and where I’ll start dropping weight and wither away to nothing, then you’re full of shit!  I’m not going to die by hospital rules and regulations!  I don’t want anyone seeing me fade away into nothing more than a helpless, pleading bitch!  Can you finally understand?

“C’mon, Sid, let’s get out of here.  The smell here is terrible.  I want to go home.”

Sid looked at me with a knowing smile that said, “You won’t be, but I’ll always be here for her.”

I watched as Sid wrapped his right arm around her waist, her head leaned against his shoulder as they went out through the automatic doors, turned left and were gone from sight.

Standing alone in the corridor, I never felt so helpless, never so alone in my life.  The one woman I really loved, left me with some serious doubts about myself.  I became the one thing I never wanted to be: possessive.

I was strangling her freedom.

**********

The next week became the week from hell.

I called her at the apartment, but Sid would answer saying she was unavailable, and even said she didn’t ever want to speak with me again. I called her answering machine and it would kick in and her voice saying to leave a message.  I left messages every hour to the point her mailbox was filled.  I never got a call back.  I tried the Fun Center, but a new girl named Ginger, said Nancy didn’t work there any longer.  Sid was nowhere to be found so I couldn’t question him. It was as if Nancy dropped off the face of the earth.

I drove to her apartment.  Rang her doorbell.  No answer.

I couldn’t help but believe I blew it.  Somewhere along the line, I cared too much.  I hardly slept, missed meals, and even started showing up for work late.  I was turning into a real case of nuts with no bolts.

Saturday night I was in the Wagon Wheel drinking whiskey shots, listening to Dianne rant and rave about how good that night was when we were together.

“Tell me, lover.  How does tonight sound for an encore performance?  I could sure use some more of that talented body of yours in mine.”

“We’ll see what happens.”

Every shot I downed, I kept seeing Nancy’s face.  Every time Dianne spoke, I heard Nancy’s voice.  I was hooked on her, and damned for it at the same time.

“Hi, good looking.  Buy a lady a drink?”

I turned to look behind me and saw Linda, looking far different than she did at work.  At least I thought it was Linda.  I was close to two winds in a sheet or something like that.  But the voice sounded like hers.

“Linda?  Is that you?  Damn, you look good.  Sure, have a seat, and I’ll buy you a drink.  That’s what friends are for.”

I looked at Dianne who didn’t look very happy to see Linda sitting next to me, but what the hell.  I told her to get me another drink and whatever Linda wanted.  She ordered Bacardi and coke.

“Bill, you know you can’t keep going like this.  At the rate you’re going, you’ll drink yourself to death by morning.”

“At least I won’t have a hangover.”

“Cute.  At least you haven’t lost your sense of humor.  I tried calling your place earlier, even went to Carmody’s looking for you, but I never expected to find you in here at night.”

“Why were you looking for me?  Did you have a hot date turn cold on you?”

She laughed.

“No, no hot date.  If I do have a cold one though, it better be after we get it on.  Seriously, I figured you could use a friend, especially after this.”  She reached inside her purse and handed me an envelope.

“What’s this?  My pink slip?  Did I get fired?”

“No.  It’s from Nancy.  She gave it to me yesterday afternoon.  She made me promise to wait twenty-four hours before I could give it to you.  Believe me that was a hard promise to keep.”

Ripping the envelope from her hand, I stood, half-walking, half-staggering to a booth where the lighting was better and started reading.

Dear Bill,

I’ve left town.  I want you to know I’m sorry for shouting at you

at the hospital.  I’m also sorry for not answering any of your calls

or seeing you.  I guess the bottom line is; the reality of that night

hit me harder than I could have ever imagined.  That, and the fact

I was starting to fall in love with you (yeah, I know, I broke my own

rule).  You are one hell of a man.  I wish we could have been together

under different circumstances.  Don’t worry, I left alone.  Sid told me

about the talk you both had, and I told him he was on his own. 

Please, don’t try to find me, that won’t do either of us any good.  Just

keep good thoughts—sweet thoughts of what we had.  I know I will. 

The time we had, I will always cherish.  Love is a real bitch.  I guess you

already know that.  Take care of yourself.  You will be in my thoughts

even after I’m gone.  It’s party time.

Love You,

Nancy

I looked up and saw Linda standing next to me.

“It’s over, Linda.  She’s gone.  She’s left town.”

“What’ll you do now?”

“I don’t know.  Everything is such a mess right now.  She said she doesn’t want me looking for her.  I know if I do, that might things worse for me and her.”

“I really am jealous of her, you know that?”

“You?  Jealous?  Of what?”

“She had someone who really knew how to give unconditionally.  You made her feel special in a way most women only fantasize about; didn’t you know that?  I would give anything to have a man love me the way you love her.”

“C’mon, you’ve been in love before.”

“Maybe.  There’s been a time or two I thought so, but never by a man like you.  You gave Nancy everything you could and then some.  You gave and gave until you were drained, and you still found a way to come up with that extra something.

“It’s going to take a long time before you get over the hurt of her leaving, but I’d like to help.”

“How?  Never mind, forget I asked.  Thanks, Linda, you’re a good person underneath all that talk you do at work.”

“Talk!  I’ll have you know I back up everything I say, and I still say you have the cutest buns in town.”

“Cut it out, will you?”

“No.  You cut it out.  This might not be the best time to tell you this, but I probably won’t get another chance.  I’ve been after you since the first day you started working at the Gardens.  The only reason I held back is because you once said you don’t go out with a co-worker, so I kept my mouth shut until now.  There, I’ve had my say.”

I knew I was getting drunk but not that drunk that I knew what she said wasn’t fancy talk, or the girl I knew who was trying to be cute.

“It’s nice to be needed, Linda.  I don’t know if it’s the wrong time or not because I’m feeling bad and know I’m getting messed up.  I also know I don’t want to be alone tonight.  How about that shoulder you offered?  Can I use it now?”

“If it’s the only way I can get you into my bed, I’m game.  We’ll use my car.  In the morning, you can come back for yours.”

“It’s at my apartment.  I knew better than to drive tonight.”

“All the better.  This way, you won’t get run over by a bicycle or something.”

As we started to leave, Dianne walked over to us but looked me in the eyes.

“Hey, hon.  What about us tonight?  I thought we were going to have a repeat again.” 

Through blurry eyes and the beginning of tears, I looked at her flatly, saying, “Dianne, do us both a favor; get a life why don’t you.”

**********

The next morning I found myself in Linda’s bed, but Linda wasn’t there.  Sitting upright, I called out her name.

“I’m in the kitchen.”

Getting out of bed, I looked for my pants which were draped over a chair, put them on and slowly walked into the kitchen.  My head hurt.

“Morning, handsome.  Want some coffee?”

“Some?  I want all you have.  Ah, did we, well … do anything last night?”

She burst out laughing.

“Want me to lie to you or tell the truth?”

“Truth.”

“Not a damn thing except spend twenty minutes getting you out of your clothes and into bed.  Do you have any idea how loud you snore?” she chided as she set a steaming mug of coffee in front of me.

“I do not snore.”

Silence ruled for a short time before Linda brought two plates to the table, filled with scrambled eggs, fried potatoes and sausage.

Taking a few bites, I looked at Linda and said, “You know, Linda, this isn’t going to work.  I’m straight now, and she’s still inside my head.”

“What did you expect?  Did you think you would wake up and Nancy would be erased from your thoughts?  Bill, when you’re in love, and that love gets hurt, it takes time for the hurt to heal.”

“Maybe so, but I have to find her, you know that don’t you?  I can’t just let her disappear like this; I just can’t.”

“Get real.  You have no idea where to start looking for her.  Tell me, where is she this very minute.”

“How the hell would I know?  Wait a minute.  Let me use your phone.  I want to make a long-distance call.  I’ll pay you for it.”

Linda frowned but nodded her head.  She pointed to the wall phone next to the kitchen entrance.

I dialed a number in Scranton, New Jersey.  After the third ring, an older woman’s voice came on the line.

“Yes, hello.  Is this Nancy’s mother?”

“Yes, it is.  Who’s calling?”

“My name is Bill, a close friend of Nancy’s.  Is she there right now?”

“No.  She hasn’t lived here in a long time.”

“Would you happen to have an idea where I could reach her?”

“She lives in San Francisco is all I know.”

“I know that.  Has she tried calling you in the last week or so?”

“No, she hasn’t, but if you know where she lives, why call me?  Who did you say you were again?”

I hung up the phone.  I was exasperated.  I went back to the table, sat down to finish my breakfast.

“Face it, Bill.  If you ever do find her, it’ll be like the needle in the haystack.”

I finished up the last of the eggs and coffee and replied gently, “Linda, I have to try, if just for my own peace of mind.  I just have to.”

Linda walked over to me, wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tightly.

“I guess if I can’t change your mind, you’ll just have to go after her.  Just remember when you either get tired of looking, or finally face the fact you can’t find her; I’ll be here waiting to have another cup of coffee with you, okay?”

We kissed lightly, our lips barely grazing the other.  She pressed against me tightly, searching, hoping for more, but I gently pulled away, smiled and kissed her quickly once more.

I went back to the bedroom and found the rest of my clothes and when I was fully dressed, Linda drove me back to my apartment.  We hugged and kissed once more before I stepped out of her car.  As I waved goodbye to her, I could see her crying.

And so it ends …

After two years of searching and spending nearly my entire savings, I had finally found Nancy.

Every day during those two years I relived each day we had, each moment shared during that incredible summer.  I kept praying she would still be alive when I found her.  At least alive long enough to tell her I love her and sorry for not saying it sooner.

It took me some doing but find her I did.

It was about a mile outside a town named Veria, northwest of Athens.  She was buried nearby a river called the Tripotamos, where daises, poppies and wildflowers grew beyond their numbers.  She was resting in her house of peace.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this right away.  She told me about this once and she said it in her letter about a going away party.

I had spent the better part of seven months roaming from town to town, village to village, showing her picture to anyone who might remember seeing her.  It wasn’t until I arrived in Veria, where an older man recognized her face and took me to where she now rests.

I knelt by her graveside, spoke a few words and said a small prayer but this time there were no tears.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t.

For Nancy, for me, the journey was finished.  We each did what we had to do.  It was time for me to go home and start over. 

At least I finally got to tell her, “I love you.”

**********

Another Summer Begins …

“Hello.”

“Hello, Linda.  How are you?”

“Bill!  Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me live, not so close but sorta-kinda personal.”

“It’s so good to hear your voice again.”

“Same with you.  For a minute, I wasn’t sure you’d still have the same number.”

“Always.  So tell me, how are things going for you?”

“It’s over.  I found her.”

“You did?  Where?”

“Alongside a river in Greece called the Tripotamos.  I’ll tell you about it after my plane gets in.”

“Plane?  You mean you’re coming back?”

“Yes, I’m coming back.”

“Thank, God.  We need a cook really bad!  I mean, where are you right now?  I can’t wait to see you again.”

“Gee, nice to know I’m needed for something.”

“Don’t be such a smart-ass.  Where are you?”

“I’m at LaGuardia Airport, waiting for my flight to be called.  I’m due in about six-thirty tonight, but don’t meet me at the airport, Linda.”

“Why?  How come?”

“You have to stay home and make me another cup of coffee.  That, and I need a permanent place to live.”

“Am I … did I hear you right?”

“You heard right.  That is, if things are cool and you still want me.”

“Yes they are and yes I do.  I’ll have a fresh pot waiting for you when you walk through the front door.”  She paused for a second then her tone of voice changed slightly.  “Just so you know, Sid sold the Fun Center and moved away about two months after you left.  No one knows where he went or if he’s even alive.  He just vanished after he sold the place.”

“I think he did that because Nancy’s memories were there.  They were pretty close for the longest time.  I imagine as much when she said in her letter he was on his own, that that probably did him in.  Anyway, see you tonight.”

“You better believe it!  Bill, I meant what I said about having everything ready for you.”

“I know.”  I smiled.

We hung up and I headed for Gate-32A where my plane would be leaving from in another hour. 

Thinking back, Nancy was right about one thing—it was one hell of a summer.

As the time drew near and the voice over the P.A. system announced my flight was ready for departure, I stood in a small line, waiting to hand my boarding pass to a stewardess, I gave thought to Linda.  Somehow, I could see another good summer coming my way again.  If I knew Linda, she would make it a summer I would never regret.

Twenty minutes into the flight, I settled back to get some rest.  Just before sleep took control of my body, I remembered another thing Nancy had told me.

“Better watch out.  Linda might want you as badly as I do, and maybe even more.”

I wondered how she knew.

**********

Twenty-Four Summers Later …

“Dad?  Can I borrow ten bucks until tomorrow?  Tomorrow’s payday, and I need the cash for gas or I won’t be able to get to work on time after classes.”

“Sure, Brad.”  I reached inside my billfold and gave him a ten.

Brad grabbed the money, yelled back a thank you as he was heading out the front door on his way to class.  Two more months and he graduates college.  I don’t know where I went wrong with him, he wants to be a lawyer.  What is this world coming to?

I walked into the kitchen and snuck up behind Linda, grabbed her around the waist.  She had just finished loading the dishwasher.

Amazing what the years had brought us.  Eight years after my return, I took what savings I had, got a bank loan and bought the Gardens.  Linda handles the books and I sign the checks.  What a life.

I leaned in close to Linda and whispered, “Happy Anniversary, sexy.”

She turned in my arms, giving me a big smile and a quick peck on the lips.

“What are you talking about?  This isn’t our anniversary.  That’s still four months away.”

“In a way it is.  You know it was twenty-six summers ago when we first met.”

“I see.  I know what you want, you horny little devil you.”

“You read my mind.  Another cup of coffee sounds good to me.”