Since you hide, since you steal, since you hate everything I feel;

Since you cheat, since you lie, since you dont wanna try things I wanna try;

Since you’ve been gone, my life has move along quite nicely, actually

--

It was 7 a.m., Friday morning. I woke up, took my phone, and turned off the alarm. I shook my head. God, my head hurt like hell and I felt kinda sick. Fucking hangover. I wish I could sleep for a few hours more, but I promised myself to get things done. Stuffs to do, stuffs to do.

I sat on the floor, lit my cigarette, and stared vacantly at the wall until someone knocked on my door. I put on my shorts, and opened the door. It was her, standing in front of my door, still wearing her pyjamas.

“Wow you look fucked up. You okay, mate?” She asked as she stared at me whilst shaking her head.

“I know. Hangover is a bitch,” I said.

“By the way, I’ll make breakfast. Do you want anything?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m actually starving but I don’t know what to eat. Just give me anything, I don’t mind.”

“Alright. I’ll be back in 10 minutes,” she said as she walked down the stairs.

I decided to hop into the shower whilst waiting for her. I needed a nice, cold shower to ease my mind.

The smell of the peppermint soap felt so refreshing and uplifting, combined with a scent of evergreen oils–that came from the scented candles–made me feel like walking in the middle of balsam pine forest. Kind of hypnotising. I loved it. I also loved the tingling sensation on my skin. For a second I felt like the pressure in my life was all gone. Taking shower is probably the only nice thing I could do to myself.

I jumped out of the shower as I heard a knock on my door. I put on my black long sleeve chiffon top and my black jeans. I opened the door and she said the breakfast is ready. She asked me to eat the breakfast together in the living room, since my dorm room is literally a mess.

“Is it good?” She asked me as I ate the chicken soup that she cooked for me.

“Yeah. Thanks by the way,” I answered.

She stared at me for a few seconds, and then ate her meal. She did it over and over again, so I asked her, “What’s wrong with you, mate?”

“No, what is wrong with YOU?” She replied.

“What? Nothing is-”

“Ha, ‘nothing is wrong’, my ass,” she rolled her eyes, “look, I know it’s been a tough week but you need to stop living like this. I mean, come on, man, you’re not being yourself. You locked yourself in your room, only talk to me when I ask you to have breakfast or dinner together, drinking in your room every night, hangover every morning, and smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. This isn’t you,” she said.

“I know you’re being concern but this is just the way I handle things, you know,” I said as I lit a cigarette.

She looked at me in disgust.

“I am perfectly okay. It’s just…uh, I am having a hard time. I needed time to be alone and do whatever the hell that can make me feel better,” I took a puff of my cigarette.

“Do you feel better? Do you think you will be able to handle things if you keep doing this? I’m telling you, you’re a coward. You are not handling things, you just smoke a lot and get drunk to forget all of your problems and pretend that you are okay when you are completely not okay. You locked yourself in your room, hiding from the world!” she yelled at me. I hate it when she does that.

“Whatevs, I’m tired of arguing. Gotta go in an hour, I’ve got stuffs to do, so stop ruining my day and mind your own business, ’kay?” I said. I walked back to my room to avoid her irritating speech.

“Ha. You just act like you’re too cool to care but you cannot fool me. I know deep inside you’re just a weak coward who couldn’t face your own problems,” she added as she followed me to my room. I am so done with her.

“You better watch your fucking mouth,” I warned her.

“I’m just saying the truth. You are nothing but a coward trying to look tough,” she said and took a sip of her coffee, “you’re just being insecure, that’s why you need me to help you face your problems,” she added.

“I don’t need you, you were never there whenever I need help! You never give a shit about me anyway, so, fuck off!” I yelled. I felt the heat all over my face, my hands were cold….and shaking.

“And now you’re shaking,” she grinned, “you’re scared, aren’t you?”

I felt sick, my head hurt, and my heart was beating really fast. But she did not stop talking, “you know what, your anxiety will eat you alive.” She laughed.

“FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY!” I screamed. My knees were so weak, I fell on my knees, gasped for air, I could hardly breathe.

“I will not stop until you realise that this isn’t right,” she said whilst looking at me.

“Dont you fucking dare to tell me what to do,”

“At least try to stop me then,” she grinned devilishly. I hate her. I fucking hate her. I managed myself to stand up, slowly walked toward her.

“Wait what are you do-” without letting her finish her sentence, I wrapped my hand around her neck.

“I’m…ju…st…helping..y..ou,” she gasped for air,”y..ou will reg..ret th..this, you..need..me to..k..keep y..your mind..off..t..the edge,” I smiled. I suddenly felt a strange power came from inside of me, “s..top…p…pl..plea-“she begged. So I stopped. But I guess it was too late.

“There you are,” I smiled. I saw her figure turned into white smokes and slowly disappeared.

—–

I heard a knock on my door. My friend who lived next to my room was standing in front of the door. He looked at me confusedly.

“Hey, um, the door is opened and I heard your voice so I just came here. Who were you talking to, by the way?” He asked.

“Oh I was just talking with a friend,” I answered. He looked around my room, there were nobody other than me and him.

“Uh..on the phone,” I added.

“Ah I see. So I came here to return this to you,” he said as he took a book from his bag.

“Oh alright, just put it there, mate,” I said, pointing at my desk.

“Thanks for lending me that book. Uh, are you okay though? You look a bit pale,” he asked.

“Do I? Ah it’s probably because I have lack of sleep for the past few days. But I’m okay though, thanks for asking,” I said.

“Alright then. I’ll go back to my room,” he said as he walked out of my room and closed the door.

I put on my make up, straightened my hair, and walked out of my room, going to God-knows-where.

Stop…

Please…

You will regret this!

I heard a soft, unfamiliar voice, calling my name. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Miss?” I opened my eyes and saw a woman dressed in white. I looked at her and stood up.

“This way, please,” she said as she walked me to a little office with a paper covered bed and a small desk. I smiled to her and said thank you.

A tall man with greying short hair and glasses over a hook nose greeted me. He began to ask me several questions. I told him that I had a terrible migraine last night. I also told him about the super painful episodic tension headaches that I had almost every morning for the past few weeks.

As a matter of protocol, the doctor took my blood pressure, and then he asked me another series of questions. The doctor concluded that the episodic tension headaches I suffered are caused by temporary stress, anxiety, sleep problems, and fatigue. I’m not surprised though. After he gave me his diagnosis, he told me to take some ibuprofen and see how I felt in the morning. Very typical.

I walked back to my place, went straight to my room, throw my bag on the floor, took off my black skinny jeans and tossed it on the floor. I lay down on my bed. God, I felt like shit.

I looked around, nothing has changed. A sketch of a girl with a long black hair that hung on my wall caught my eye. I drew it myself, a long time ago. I stared at the sketch, and it felt like I was staring at her in person. I saw her bitter smile and the angst–and sadness–that hidden beneath her weary eyes. Suddenly, I felt empty. I felt like something is missing, like there was a hole inside my chest. I felt hollow.

I missed her.

I missed her presence. And it tortured me.

“You will regret this!”

You were right. I do. I regret it.

—

I sat in front of my desk, turned my laptop on, and started to type.

“Old friend, we will get together again,” a familiar voice whispered in my ear, “soon.”

My tears fall freely as I post my writing on my blog.

A girl stared at her own figure in the mirror. Her pale face showed no smile, no expression. Her weary eyes looked empty. She felt so heavy yet so damn empty. A man stood behind her, running his fingers through her long hair whilst staring blankly at the girl. She then turned her head towards the man, looking deeply at his glazed eyes. He placed his palm on the girl’s cheek, gently caressing it with his thumb whilst his eyes locked to hers. They were drowning in her own thoughts, their own feelings.

After a long moment of silence, words finally came out from the man’s mouth.

“You ready?” he asked. The girl nodded.

She turned the music up as he turned the lights down low. They slowly reached the bed, and once again, looked at each other’s eyes. They felt their hearts beat faster than ever, but they remained calm. They were nervous, but they knew that this was what they wanted for so long. They knew they were both ready for this.

As their long, silvery, sharp knives stabbed on each other’s chest, they dragged their souls into oblivion, slowly released themselves from the mortal world. Before the girl completely disappeared, she caught a glimpse of the man’s eyes. The man then leaned down towards her face, looking at her eyes deeply. She smiled as she whispered, “welcome to my circo de muerte.“

They’re now gone.