"I wish I was never born. I wish I wasn't born in this body. I wish my shoulders weren't so skinny. I wish my knees weren't shaped so freakishly on the sides. I wish I didn't have hip dips. I wish I didn't have freckles or this ginger hair. I wish my heart didn't ache with every emotion. I wish I was lovable. I wish I had somebody to love."
I'd recite that every single day and night hoping for something to change. Of course, nothing ever did change. Nobody interested me, and nobody was interested in me.
Today, I didn't recite it. It's the first day of my junior year. I don't want to get up. I really don't. Please, please don't make me. Please don't-
Loud knocking came from outside of my door and made me jump. "Robyn, I know you're awake. Get up." It was my dad. "Can I lay down for a few more minutes? I'll get ready quick-" He slammed his fist against my door to interrupt me. "This is why I told you to go to sleep earlier. Get the fuck up." I could hear the floorboards creaking as he walked away, then him plopping down on that broken leather recliner. He's the one who broke it, not me. Dick.
I sighed and sat up to stretch, immediately falling back down. I love when I stretch like this. Well, until I get a charlie horse. Ouch. I got out of bed and felt a bit dizzy.
I should probably drink more water, now that I think of it. Maybe my lips would be more moist. I hate that word. Moist. Moist lips. I'd like that word on another girl, though.
I grabbed my brush and began to run the bristles through my hair. Despite its color, I love how its wavy and curly texture balances out. It's lovely, isn't it? Especially my fringe. I might fall in love with myself.
I went into my bathroom and washed my face. My eyes feel so weird when I get water in them. It's like the water dries my eyes out. Doesn't water make things wet? I aspire to be like water. I don't wanna make someone's eyes wet, but other places are good.
Sitting back down at my desk, I applied my moisturizer. I won't hide my freckles this year, but only because it takes too much time. I applied my mascara slowly, both on my top and bottom lashes. I only put one or two coats because I already have long lashes. It's the only thing I like about my face aside from my eyes and lips. My nose is cute, but it's too small.
I smeared lip gloss on my lips and touched them to feel how smooth they were. I think I put too much. Oh, well, the more the merrier. So very merry. Shut up.
I slid my golden hoop earrings through my ears. I don't remember the last time I wore these. I should more, though.
"Robyn, hurry up. School starts in twenty minutes!" Dad yelled. My heart dropped like a rollercoaster. Why am I anxious? It only takes a few minutes to get to school. I hate emotions.
I dressed myself in my favorite sage green dress and my chunky brown socks. These converse are really beat up, but they'll have to do. I put my golden cross necklace that my dad makes me wear on and grabbed my bag. It has a few notebooks, pencils and brightly colored pens. This'll help with doodles. Well, preferably my notes that I won't take.
I went out into the living room and saw my dad drinking a beer while watching gold. Why do they play golf so early in the morning? Get a life.
"Are you gonna drive me?" I asked anxiously. "Ride the bike." He said, not even turning my way to speak to his own daughter. "Can you drive me tomorrow?"
"How many fucking questions are you gonna ask me? Can't you see I'm busy?" He exclaimed, turning his head towards me angrily. Busy? Sure, fuckface. "Fine." I said and slammed the house door by accident on the way out. I hurried onto my bike and peddled away so I didn't have to hear him yelling anymore.
Somehow, it was still dark. The street lights were still on. What little sun there was shined into my eye. I know I look good in the sun. It shows how amber my eyes are.
I continued down the street for a few minutes while breathing in the crisp air. Such a nice feeling in my lungs. I felt my boob because there was suddenly an itchy feeling in my lung. I have nice tits. Not too big, but they're decently sized.
I got to school and chained my bike up. I walked through the doors and smelled that new school smell. I love that smell but it gives me anxiety. We went and got my schedule a few days ago, so I think I have Algebra first. Great.
I took the first staircase by the door to the second floor. I had to stay in this class for study hall sometimes, so I know where it is. I hope Mr. Graves doesn't still teach in that class.
He does. I walked through the door and looked around the classroom. Travis used to pick on me here. God, he was hideous.
"Ms. Feyer! It's great to have you back. How's your summer been?" Mr. Graves asked and stuck out his hand. I smiled and shook his hand. "It's been eventful. I'm glad a teacher I know is my first period so it isn't awkward!" I was lying through my teeth. This is awkward.
"Your seat's over there in the row before the last one. The third one. Is that good?" I stared at him and at my seat, then back at him. "Yup, all good!" It was not all fucking good. I don't want that seat, but I know he won't change it.
I sat down at my seat and looked at my desk to see my name written beautifully in cursive. Robyn Feyer. That made me smile a little, seeing my name written so carefully yet in such a swift and violent motion. You can tell how quickly he wrote it, yet so very elegantly. What a sight.
I looked around at the other desks to see what kind of people they could be based off of their names. To my right, there was a Jennifer Jones. Jennifer Jones. I like that name. It's simple, but the first and last name complement each other. The way the J's have that little curl and how round the O is.
"Ya like it?" I heard a deep, raspy feminine voice booming down on me from above. I look up to see a medium-haired blondie who had a lovely color of pink at the tips of her hair. Her hazel eyes were staring into mine. The bridge of her nose was broad, and her cheeks were soft yet bold. She had a septum piercing and a lip piercing. Her lips were a light pink color which complimented her pale skin. Her lips were big. Moist lips. Oh, and she's tall.. she's fucking hot.
Her eyebrows raised and leaned in a little. "Anyone home?" I stuttered and blinked a bit. I could feel my face turning red. I fixed my posture and cleared my throat. "I'm sorry, I zoned out. I assume you're Jennifer?" I said. I'm so nervous.
"No need to be formal, weirdo!" She sat down in her chair. I looked at her outfit. Oh my.
She was wearing an opened brown flannel, a white tank top.. a tank top.. oh, I cannot look there. I continued looking down and saw she was wearing black, ripped cargo pants. She has the same shoes as me. Huh.
"You sure do zone out a lot. My name's, obviously, Jennifer, but I prefer Jenny." She stuck her hand out. What's with everyone wanting to shake my hand-
Oh. Her fingers are long. Her hand is so boney and big, and the rings she's wearing fit her outfit perfectly. My fucking god. I shook her hand and looked at her. She smiled at me and tightened her grip. Such a firm grasp. Oh, and her teeth. They're beautiful. They're so big and her canines are sharp. I bet it'd hurt if she bit me.
"Don't be shy, bro. I don't bite." I wish you did. "I'm not shy, just a little anxious. It's nice to meet you, Jenny. I'm Robyn." She scooted her chair over to my desk and read my nametag. "Ooo, Mr. Graves can make names look like art. Robyn Feyer. Niiice." She's so close. She smells amazing. The way my name rolls off her tongue is.. I can't even think of a word. Fuck.
"I was thinking the same. His handwriting is lovely." You're lovely.
"Right? Damn, I wanna write like that! Too bad this is a fucking math class. Having math first period is baaad luck." She said while scooting back to her desk.
"Wait, come back." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Okay, Ms. Needy." She said jokingly and scooted back. "I just can't hear very well." Is that really the best you could come up with? Fucking idiot. I hate you.
"I'm pretty loud, but I'll follow your orders, Ms. Needy." She said and tapped my desk in a rhythmatic way. Oooh, she's loud.
"What's your middle name?" She asked suddenly. "Mae." I said in a quiet voice. "Mae? Robyn Mae Feyer. That's a pretty name. Who the hell named you, I gotta meet 'em!" She said excitingly.
"What's your middle name?" I repeated her question in attept to change the subject. "Oh, it's fucking Mill. Weird ass name, huh?" She said and laughed, laying her head on my desk. "Jenny Mill Jones. Huh." I said approvingly. "Well, when you say my full name, it sounds better. Except when you say Jennifer Mill Jones. Sounds goofy." She's right. Why did she emphasize the "you", though? I guess she likes my voice. I like mine too, it's rather stern yet feminine.
But.. she's so close. I just met her, so why do I feel like this? She groaned and sat up, stretching her arms. Her legs and arms are so long. I poked her side. She jumped and giggled. Her laugh is adorable. She poked my cheek.
I'm smiling. I'm fucking smiling. "There's that smile! You're really pretty." My heart, oh, my poor heart. It hurts so bad. "You're pretty too-"
"Alright, class is starting, kids." Goddamnit. Jenny looked at Mr. Graves and scooted back to her desk. Her backpack is cool. It's the color of my dress, but more like a sack than a backpack. Huh. She opened it and looked at all the notebooks she brought. They were all different colors. Red, blue, green, yellow, purple, and black. She chose the red one. Thank god.
I got out my red notebook and carefully wrote "Math" on the front with my red pen. She scribbed the same on hers aggressively with a black pen and underlined it a few times. She writes so fast, but her handwriting is.. fascinating. It's not messy, but it's edgy. I can't think of any other way to describe it.
"Copycat." She said and I looked at her. She was still looking at her notebook, but I think she can see me in the corner of her eye because now she's smiling. I immediately looked back at my notebook. "I don't know what you're talking about." I said sarcastically and smiled at my notebook. I heard her laugh lightly and she gently kicked my desk. I quickly turned my head towards her and she was holding in a laugh. We both giggled quietly.
"Ms. Feyer and Ms. Jones. Do I need to move you two already." We both looked up with blank stares. Everybody is looking at us, but I don't care. "No?" We said. He stared at us for a few seconds and sighed. "Okay. Anyways, we're starting class off with notes. Yes, it's the first day, but we have lots to learn." The whole class sighed but Jenny and I looked at each other trying not to laugh.
This is gonna be a good fucking year.
our ride <3
Mr. Graves spoke over my thoughts as my brain raced. I keep glancing at Jenny. I can’t stop myself. The feeling my entire body holds within when I look at her is astonishing. It’s as if my emotions are.. blurred. A light buzzing feeling inside my heart. Oh, no. She’s looking at me.
“Hey, do you get any of this? Math is my worst subject.” Jenny whispered. I looked at her and smiled a bit. “I’m not too good at math either, sorry.” I whispered back disappointingly. Jenny looked up at the board and down at her notebook, looking back at me. “We could study together! Then we’d be the best, huh?” This girl is gonna kill me. My heart could never take that. “Sure.” Why in the world would you say that, idiot.
Jenny scribbled down something on her notebook and ripped it off, handing it to me. “Here’s my address. Oh, well, we could just walk home together, if your parents are cool with that.” She said and looked back at the board as she pretended to listen. “I ride my bike to school every day, so I don’t know if I could walk with you.” I said quietly, secretly hoping she had a bike too. “I could ride your bike and you can chill on the back. It’d be better that way since you’re so tiny.” Jenny said and kicked my foot. I could immediately feel my face fill with red. “I’m not that short, you’re just too tall.” I said and kicked her foot back.
Jenny squinted her eyes and laughed quietly. “I’ll prove you wrong after class. What’s your schedule, anyway?” I pulled out my schedule as quickly and quietly as possible. Since it’s first period, it’s math right now. Next is.. band. When did I sign up for band? I probably should’ve read this all the way through when I first got it.
“Well, I have band next. I’ve never been in band before.” Jenny had a shocked face and pulled out her schedule, shoving it in my face. Her second period was band. “I’ve been in a band for a long time, so I got you. I play toms.”
“Ms. Jones and Ms. Feyer. I will move you if you talk while I’m talking again.” Mr. Graves stated. We both sat back in our seats and wrote down the notes on the board. After a bit, the bell rang. I stood up and began to pack my notebook into my bag. I felt a pat on my shoulder and I looked up. She’s at least a foot taller than me.. well then. I slowly brushed her hand off of my shoulder and tugged on her sleeve as I began to walk out the door. She followed behind, letting me hold onto her sleeve. She giggled quietly. “See, you’re so short. You’re probably not even the average height, Robby.” I spun my head around and stared at her smiling down at me. Robby..? Nobody’s ever called me that, surprisingly. That’s so nice of her.
I turned my head back around and smiled to myself, looking down at my schedule to find the room. Jenny walked in front of me and grabbed my schedule. “Hey! I needed that!” I exclaimed with embarrassment. “Oh, shush. You don’t know where you’re goin’, and I do. I should lead.” She said as she grabbed my hand and led me down the hallway we just passed. She’s holding my hand. Oh, dear. What should I do? Do I let her hold it or is that too friendly? What’s considered friendly or more? I have no idea. I guess I’ll just think this is her way of being friendly. Wait, is she being friendly? Is she interested in me? Is she lesbian? She definitely doesn’t look straight, but maybe she’s just a tomboy. No, no, my gaydar is sending me signals.
We approached two doors and opened one of them, walking through. I immediately don’t wanna be in here. Why is Trevor taking band? This is going to be so embarrassing if he talks to me. “Hey, Jenny, um, someone I don’t really like is in here so would you be fine if I just go to the bathroom for a bit?” I said embarrassed. She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, who? Have they bothered you or something?” She said with a concerned tone. “Something like that, we just never really got along.”
“Alright, lemme come with you then.” She said as she put our stuff down in two chairs. My heart felt a little fuzzy. “Okay, thank you.” I said and smiled gently. I held my hands in front of me as we walked out the door and to the bathroom. A couple of girls were in a stall and I saw smoke rising above it. Are they smoking? At school? Have some respect.
“You smoke?” Jenny said quietly. I whipped my head around at her. “Oh, god no. I don’t wanna get cancer.” Jenny looked at me and laughed. “Oh, really? Alright, you do you.” Wait, does she? She’s making it seem like she does. I can feel the self-respect leaving my body.
Wait, no. Keep it. Keep to my standards. I’m not going to drop them for some... girl.. a gorgeous one... No! No. “Would you wanna try?” Jenny said, about to open her backpack. Fuck. "Could we later? I don't want to be caught on the first day of school." I said, feeling a bit uneasy. "You don't wanna, don't you?" She said, "Nothing wrong with that. You ain't less cool just because you don't wanna do something bad." She said while smiling. That made me feel much better, but if I were to, it wouldn't be to be cool. I'll always try something once. Wait. Does she think I'm cool?
"How long do you wanna stay in here?" Jenny asked while sitting down against the wall. It felt unnatural to be hovering over her like this, so I quickly sat down next to her. "Just for a little while. I don't like that guy." I hope she doesn't ask. Even though my gaydar tells me otherwise, I don't wanna risk that she's straight. She'll end up bullying me too.
We sat in silence and I looked around, tapping my fingers together. Well, this is awkward. I think I'd rather be harassed than this.
"You like anyone?" Jenny asked, interrupting my thoughts. Oh, no. She asks all the wrong questions. "Not at the moment, I think." Why did I say I think...
"You think? C'mon, there's gotta be someone." She said, now looking at me. I looked at her and stuttered quietly a bit. Her elbow is touching just below my shoulder. "No?" She asked. "Well, there is someone I think is pretty cute." I don't have to say their name, or especially that it's a girl. "Yeah? Is it someone in our math?" She said, getting more curious. "May?be." I replied. She raised both of her eyebrows and began to laugh a little. Wrinkles appeared on her cheeks as she smiled. "I didn't see you making googly eyes at anyone. Eww, wait, is it our teacher? Or that cute girl that sits in front of us?" Cute girl?! Oh, my, she IS gay, isn't she? Mode switch.
"I didn't see a cute girl in front of us. Wait, ew, no, not the teacher. Yuck." We both laughed and Jenny stood up. "You know what? Fuck this school," She said, "Wanna go to my house? You're chill as fuck." Skipping school with her? Oh, man, I'm really bending my rules here. "That sounds fun. You're.. chill as well." She stared at me and began to laugh. "That did NOT fit you at all! You're so formal, it's cute." She exclaimed and pulled me up to get our things.
Am I really gonna skip the whole day? Well- You know what, who cares. My father sure doesn't. This is my first chance to make a real friend. I'm not passing it up for things I don't even need. We walked out of the bathroom and back into the band room. The instructor had her back turned so we quickly grabbed our things and ran out.
We made it out the front doors and to my bike. "So.. you know how to ride a bike, right?" I asked out of curiosity. "Nope," Are you serious? "Get on anyway. I'm a quick learner." She said confidently as she sat on the edge of the seat. I got on behind her and pressed against her back. She's so warm. She started to peddle, beginning to lose balance already. Maybe if we fall she'll land on top of me. Oooo..
She stopped immediately, nearly sending me off the bike. "Sorry, I, uh, could you teach me?" She said. Oh, man. "I mean, I could try. I don't really know how to explain it well," I said as I was getting off the bike. "You just have to balance and peddle. We should probably hurry up before a staff member sees us." I said, getting anxious.
"Alright, if you're that worried, I'll just wing it, bro." Jenny said, getting back on the bike and smacking the remaining part of the seat behind her. I could feel my face growing into a worrisome expression, but I got on anyway. "Hold onto my waist, just in case. Hah, that rhymed." Oh, my. She wants me to hold her waist? It's just for the ride. Only for the ride.
I slid my hands around her waist and scooted up the seat. She began to peddle and wobbled quite a bit, then suddenly fixed herself and peddled quickly. "You weren't kidding about being a quick learner, huh?!" I yelled in her ear as the wind blew through our hair. "Yeah! This is awesome!" She yelled as we went down the road. I laid my head on her back and looked at the sun shining through the trees. I love living in a small town like this, there's so much wilderness.
I looked up at her and saw her eyes reflecting every bit of ray from the sun. Her eyes reminded me of nature, all the trees, and beautiful leaves. She was grinning from ear to ear as she peddled up the hill. We turned a corner and there it was. The sun shined directly onto us. We went down another hill, but this one was steeper. She stopped peddling and let us roll down the hill. She yelled for joy as we reached the end of the hill. I couldn't stop myself from laughing.
We turned left and rolled up to a two-story, taupe-colored vintage house. "Is this your house?" I said excitingly as we got off my bike. "Yup, old thing's falling apart. It's a bit of a mess inside, so beware." She said as she was walking backward and hit her head on the roof above the door. I giggled as she rubbed her head, getting onto me about laughing. We walked inside and two dogs jumped onto me. One was a small chihuahua and the other was a corgi. I've never seen either of these in real life. They're so cute, though!
I bent down on my knee and started petting the dogs. "What's their names?" I asked curiously. "The corgi is Buster, and the chihuahua is Frankie." She said and started petting Buster. "Those are the most basic but cute names I've ever heard for any dogs!" I said and laughed. "At least I didn't name one Buddy." She said and walked to her kitchen. I stood up and looked around. "Are your parents home?" I asked. "I only live with my mom, but she's at work." She said as she threw her backpack onto the couch from the island in the kitchen. We're home alone. Oooh, is this too early to be thinking about that when I just met her? It feels like we've known each other for much longer. "Do you want some avocado?" She asked as she opened a bag of them. "Of course! Avocado is my favorite." It really is. Especially with salt. She smiled and cut one open, scooping the avocado out and removing the seed. She salted it and squeezed a little bit of lemon juice with it. I've never had it with lemon juice. She handed the small plate to me and urged me to try it. We both then ate off of the little plate. She eats so violently, it's kinda funny. She's like a feral dog who hasn't eaten in days. On the other hand, I eat too politely. I even make sure my mouth barely moves while I eat.
She suddenly started laughing at me. "What are you thinking about? You always look like you're so lost in thought." She said while standing over me, continuing to shove avocado in her mouth. Uhh... Uhhh...
"Same." HUH?! "You like boobs?!" I asked her frantically. "Woah, woah, calm down. Of course I do." She calmly said and continued eating the second to last piece of avocado. I stood there in shock and put the last piece of avocado in my mouth, then accidentally chewed it like her. I have no time to be polite. She likes titties. I like titties. I like her titties.
"Wait, you got a problem with that?" She said as her tone changed. "No, no! I love titties!" She busted out laughing and patted my back while laughing. She then kept laughing as she put the plate in the sink and led me upstairs. She calmed down as she opened her door and jumped onto her bed, opening a small box. Her room smells like pot. If she's been high this entire time, that explains a lot. "You wanna get high with me?" She isn't already high? "If you don't wanna, that's cool, but I'm gonna." Oh, Jesus, she isn't. She's a weirdo. It's cute, though. "I mean, since we're at home and won't get in trouble, sure." She grabbed a pre-rolled joint out of her small box and lit the end of it with her lighter. She handed it to me and I stared at it. Oh, man, this'll be fun.