My Sweet Petunia Chapter 1: More Prettier than Not
“Mornin’ Ralph.”
“Mornin’ Sam.”
“Brand new week on the farm.”
“Yup.”
“Slate’s wiped clean. Startin’ from scratch.”
“That’s right.”
“Top of the first. Nothin’ to nothin’.”
“Score’s even.”
“Alright. 9 a.m. Time to punch in. God help you son. You ain’t gettin’ no sheep today!”
*****
“I'm afraid you’re off your game Sam.”
“Yeah, I’m getting old Ralph.”
“Ever get bored of the job?”
“Been working the job for 28 years. It’s what I know.”
“But don’t it get tiresome? Me tryin’ to steal the sheep. You tryin’ to guard ’em.”
“Depends on the day really.”
“What if we switched sides? Just to mix it up.”
“We’d get fired. C’mon, look, I’m getting hungry.”
“Alright. Let’s head to Jimmy’s.”
*****
“Well, lookee here! We got us a Petunia!”
“How you doing gentlemen? What can I get you?”
“You hear that Ralph? She called us gentlemen. Ain’t never seen you here before hon. You must be new.”
“Ain’t never been here before hon. You must be good at puttin’ two and two together.”
“She’s a live one, ain’t she Ralph?”
“So, what would you like?”
“Beef sandwich.”
“How ’bout you handsome?”
“You hear that Ralph? She called you handsome.”
“Beef sandwich with radish sauce.”
“It ain’t called radish sauce Ralph.”
“I know it ain’t Sam.”
“Anything else? Coffee?”
“Nah, I don't drink coffee. Gives me the jitters.”
“I don’t drink it neither. I just don’t like it.”
“Alright.”
*****
“What do you think of Miss Petunia here Ralph?”
“I don’t know Sam. I met her a minute ago, just like you.”
“So, you’re dissatisfied with the job, are you? What don’t you like about it?”
“It’s repetitive.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s the same thing, over and over: Me tryin’ to steal the sheep. You tryin’ to guard ’em.”
“I don’t mind it.”
“You know Sam, the job ain’t gonna be around forever. Sheep farming’s on the decline. Has been since the war. Troops hated the mutton rations.”
“Didn’t know.”
“Don’t read the trade magazines?”
“Nope.”
“The world is changing Sam. You can’t keep your head in the sand forever.”
“I can pull the wool over my eyes.”
“Not forever, you can’t.”
“Until I retire I can. That’s all I need. I ain’t retooling.”
“Here you go gentlemen.”
“You hear that Ralph? She called us gentlemen again. So what’s your name honey?”
“Honey. It's a coincidence.”
“What do you mean?”
“You called me honey, and my name’s Honey. It’s a coincidence.”
“I call everybody honey, Honey.”
“Well, I guess you got it right this time.”
“She's a sharp one, ain’t she Ralph? Look, we eat here all the time. Might as well know what to call you.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right Sam.”
“How’d you know my name is Sam?”
“That’s what Ralph here calls ya. Deborah. My name’s Deborah.”
“Deborah, huh? That right? I like that name.”
“I’m sure she’s glad to hear it Sam.”
“So, Debbie—”
“I don’t like being called Debbie.”
“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
“Why you askin’?”
“’Cause I’m curious.”
“Well I ain’t tellin’, and it’s a crying shame I won’t, ain’t it? What line of work you boys in?”
“You hear that Ralph? Now we’re boys. Stealin’ and guardin’ sheep.”
“Stealin’ and guardin’ sheep? What do you mean?”
“You seen that new cartoon on TV Deborah, where these two fellas work on a sheep farm, and one fella tries to steal the sheep, and the other fella tries to guard ’em?”
“Yeah, it’s funny.”
“Well, that's what we do. He tries stealin’ them and I try guardin’ them.”
“Lost a few today, haven’t you Sam?”
“I’ll get ’em back.”
“That’s really what you do?”
“That’s right.”
“For a livin?”
“That’s correct.”
“Just like in the cartoon?”
“Just like in the cartoon.”
“Well ain’t that something.”
“Alright Sam, back to work. ‘Idle hands doth betray the pasture.’”
“What?”
“It’s an old Gaelic sheep farmer saying.”
“It is?”
“Nah, I just made it up.”
“I hate it when you do that Ralph.”
“‘Hatred in the brains of Sam draw nigh the wolf to shepherd’s lamb.’”
“Ralph!”
“Sorry Sam.”
*****
“So what do you think of her?”
“Who?”
“Deborah, who do you think?”
“I don’t know Sam. I met her 20 minutes ago, just like you.”
“Well I kinda like her. I think I might just marry her someday. Where you think she’s from?”
“I don’t know. We’ll ask her next time.”
“Alright. So, thinking of quittin’ the job, are you?”
“Maybe.”
“Think you’d be better suited for something else, do you?”
“Might.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, something else.”
“Yeah, I know something else. Don't string it out Ralph. I wonder why she don’t like being called Debbie?”
“I don't know Sam. We’ll ask her next time. A pilot.”
“A pirate?”
“No Sam, a pilot.”
“What kind of pilot?”
“An airplane pilot. I wanna fly an airplane.”
“For a living?”
“Yeah, for a living. That’s what I’m saying.”
“How does one become a pilot?”
“You take flying lessons.”
“Where?”
“At a flight school.”
“How long?”
“Depends.”
“On what?”
“What kind of plane you wanna fly.”
“What kind of plane you wanna fly?”
“I don’t know Sam.”
“What do you think of Debbie?”
“Deborah. She goes by Deborah.”
“Yeah, that’s right… You ever wonder about time Ralph?”
“Time?”
“Yeah.”
“Can’t say I have, ’least no more than the average person.”
“Well I wonder about it, probably more than the average person.”
“What do you wonder about it Sam?”
“I don’t know, like, where’s it come from? Where’s it go? How long does it last? Stuff like that. Seems to run our lives, and you can’t even see it.”
“Can’t see gravity neither.”
“Well that may be true, but you don’t need to calibrate gravity. Sure do need to calibrate time though, dontcha? Seconds, minutes, hours. The whole thing seems arbitrary, don’t you think?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why, there could be whole different units of measure, with different names than they got now.”
“You want ’em to?”
“No, that ain’t the point! You ever read Einstein Ralph?”
“No, can’t say I have. You?”
“Yes I have.”
“You understand it?”
“I’m not sure. But he says this real interesting thing about time.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“Well, the faster something moves through the three dimensions of physical space, the slower it moves through time.”
“That right? What happens if you move backwards?”
“Don’t matter which way you move. You think sheep have any conception of time?”
“Nah, ain’t got the brains for it.”
“Think they like it here on the farm?”
“Yeah, I guess. They got a pretty good life. ’Till the day they sell ’em for slaughter, make lamb chops out of ’em. You eat lamb chops Sam?”
“Never had ’em. Little too close to home. You?”
“Nah, I just don’t like ’em.”
“Well, I guess we ain’t eating none for lunch today then.”
*****
“Afternoon boys.”
“You hear that Ralph? She called us boys again. Good to see you Deborah, and you’re right about it being afternoon.”
“Beef sandwich?”
“Yup.”
“Beef sandwich with radish sauce?”
“Yup.”
“It ain’t called radish sauce Ralph.”
“I know it ain’t Sam.”
“Anything else?”
“Nah.”
“Nah.”
“Alright.”
*****
“What do you think of Debbie Ralph?”
“Deborah. She wants to be called Deborah.”
“You think she’s pretty?”
“I don't know. I never thought about it.”
“It’s not the sort of thing you think about Ralph. Either she’s pretty or she ain’t.”
“No middle ground?”
“Alright, does she strike you as more prettier than not?”
“I don’t know Sam. She’s somewhere in between, most people are.”
“Yeah, I know, but which side of in between?”
“I don’t know. We’ll ask her next time.”
“Fine. So what kind of plane you wanna fly?”
“You already asked me that question.”
“You didn’t answer it. Need more time to think about it?”
“Since you keep bringing up time Sam, doesn’t 28 years seem like a long time to be working the same job?”
“Yeah, it does. But 10 more years, I can retire with a full pension. Probably even get a gold watch.”
“Well that’s nice. What are you gonna do with it? Wind it up and read Einstein?”
“Here you go gentlemen.”
“You hear that Ralph? We’re gentlemen again. Couple minutes ago, we were boys. Now we’re gentlemen.”
“Time flies Sam.”
“Well, what would you two like me to call you: boys, gentlemen, or something else?”
“That’s under your control Debbie.”
“I asked you not to call me Debbie.”
“Yeah, you did. I’m sorry Deborah.”
“You know Deborah, I think Sam likes you.”
“Ralph!”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with it Sam.”
“Yeah, I know there ain't nothing wrong with it Ralph, but couldn’t you wait ’till I was in the bathroom or something to tell her?”
“Why you wanna be in the bathroom when I tell her?”
“Jesus, can we just eat lunch?”
“We are eating lunch.”
“So, this thing about you two stealin’ and guardin’ sheep. How’s that work?”
“Already told you Deborah: He steals ’em, and I guard ’em.”
“Lost a few today, haven’t you Sam?”
“I’ll get ’em back.”
“Well, where do you work? At ‘Sam and Ralph’s Sheep Farm Emporia?’”
“We don’t own the job company Deborah.”
“Where is it?”
“Samuels Farm.”
“Plural or possessive?”
“Neither. Just the last name of the owner, Samuels.”
“Well why in the world would he pay you two for stealing and guarding his sheep? I don’t see the point of it.”
“Me neither. You Ralph?”
“Nope. Never have.”
“So how long you been in town Deborah? Where you from?”
“Three weeks and Milwaukee.”
“Milwaukee huh? Never been there before.”
“Most people haven’t.”
“Why’d you move here?”
“Needed the job.”
“Ain’t got no waitressjobs in Milwaukee?”
“None that I want… Alright, if you gotta know, me and my husband had it out, OK?”
“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“He killed himself.”
“Sure you didn’t kill him?”
“Jesus Sam!”
“Nah, I didn’t kill him, and if I did, you think I’d be saying?”
“No, probably not. Why’d he do it?”
“I don’t know exactly. Just said he was bored.”
“Bored? Bored with you? I don’t see how any man could be bored with you Deborah. I mean, maybe they wouldn’t like you much, but—”
“Sam!”
“He just said he was bored. Bored with everything.”
“How’d he do it?”
“Kill himself, you mean?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m not real sure how he done it. I just walked in the garage one day, and there he was, dangling from a rope with a noose around his neck.”
“Must’ve died by hangin’.”
“I suppose.”
“Damn Deborah, that’s horrible. I don’t know what to say.”
“Neither did he. Not much you can say hanging dead from a rope.”
“You know, me and Ralph be happy to show you around town a little. Help ease the transition.”
“That’s realnice of you fellas, really, but I ain’t ready for that sort of thing. You understand. Anyway, it’s called horseradish sauce.”
“What?”
“The sauce you two been talking about. It’s called a horseradish sauce.”
“Horseradish sauce?”
“That’s right. You know why it’s called horseradish sauce Sam?”
“Why?”
“’Cause it ain’t fancy enough to call it hollandaise sauce.”
“Good one Deborah. Where they get the horses?”
“What horses?”
“The ones they slaughter and mix into the radish sauce.”
“For Christ’s sake Sam! I’m sorry Deborah. He don’t know when to stop sometimes.”
“Nah, it’s fine. Pretty funny when you think about it.”
“So, c’mon Deborah, let us show you around. Must be some things you’d want to know about your new environs. Gotta have some questions you’d wanna ask.”
“Well that’s sweet of you Sam. What kind of questions you think I might wanna ask?”
“Maybe if there’s a law against hangin’?”
“Shut up Sam!”
“Nah, it’s fine. Pretty funny when you think about it. Or right after you think about it. You almost got me laughing right here in the restaurant!”
“Why don’t you Deborah?”
“I just moved here. I can’t be laughing in public.”
“There’s only three of us Deborah. I wouldn’t call it a public.”
“Well, God Almighty Sam! You got me standing here, laughin’ my fool head off, despite my best efforts to the contrary. You really want to show me around Sam?”
“I think he does Deborah.”
“Well I want to hear it from him. You want to show me around Sam or dontcha? Ain’t no middle ground.”
“Pretty straight forward question Sam. I wouldn’t equivocate if I was you.”
“I would… Yes, I would like to show you around Deborah. That’d be real nice. I mean, whenever you got time.”
“Tonight, 7:30, when I get off work. Think you’ll be done stealin’ the sheep by then?”
“No, I’m the one that steals them, Deborah. He’s the one that guards them.”
“Oh, right. Sorry. Think you’ll be done guarding the sheep before 7:30 p.m. Sam?”
“Yeah, I will.”
“You sure about all this Sam? Probably should check your social calendar.”
“Shut up Ralph. See you tonight at 7:30 Deborah. That be real nice.”