(1)

I turn my collar up against the pouring rain. I don't feel the water running inside my coat, but I don't seem to feel much of anything. Maybe I just don't want to.

I pull my eyes away from the darkness hiding beneath the clean white lines of the casket, and stare into a future beyond the sea of sad faces. They will all go home, and I will be alone, more alone than I have ever been. I turn my heart away from the pain I see reflected in their eyes.

I can't let that pain get too close. It looks hungry, and I don't think I can survive if it climbs inside. It will eat my soul.

This place seems nice. I think she'll enjoy this hillside, and its beautiful sweep of lawn. I guess I will get used to the view. Not sure what else my life will consist of from now on, but I will keep this place—her place—cared for.

Oh, Ree... the green lawns remind me of that day I finally asked you. Remember?

#

The late summer sun was shining in the cloudless sky. I pulled my sunglasses over my eyes and watched her walk toward me. I felt a lump in my throat, and realized I couldn't swallow. The sunshine wasn't enough to take the slight September chill out of the air, but her smile was all I needed to warm me from the inside out.

Marie Holter. Sweet Marie. Her youngest kid sister calls her Ree-Ree, and I have a feeling Ree will stick. I still can't believe you are here with me. I'm not sure if I found you, or you found me, but I thank God that we found each other.

My nerves threatened to get the better of me. I turned and sat down in the grass. Reaching over, I grabbed a soda from the cooler and opened it as her shadow fell across me.

"I grabbed a big beach towel, instead of a blanket." She shook the largest towel I had ever seen out, and spread it on the grass. "I think lunch will fit on it though."

"Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure Thanksgiving Dinner would fit on it." Her smile was dazzling.

I started to get up, but she pushed me back onto my butt, climbed across, and straddled my lap. Her arms interlocked behind my neck as she wrapped her legs and those impossibly tight blue jeans around my waist. The smell of her shampoo was driving me insane, and the closeness of her mouth to mine made me dizzy.

"Speaking of Thanksgiving, you better not even think about making any other plans this year. Last night at dinner, Julie asked me if you were coming to the Holter Holiday Hijinks. My mom grinned, and Daddy tried his best to look as if he couldn't care less, but it got really quiet, you know? I mean, even Becca closed her yapper and stared at me."

I reached up and pushed a runaway strand of hair behind her ear. "What did you say?"

"I said that not only would you be there, but I was thinking about having you carve the turkey. You should’ve seen it. Daddy's fork actually stopped halfway to his mouth and my mom spit her wine across her plate. It was the funniest thing ever!"

"Great. Now your dad is going to glare at me even harder the next time I see him."

"Don't be silly. Daddy’s a pushover." She took my face in her hands. "Now, do you wanna keep talking about my family, or can I distract you?"

She leaned in to kiss me, and then threw herself sideways, pulling me on top of her, and rolling us both onto the towel.

Nervously, I slid my hand into my coat pocket. The little box was still there.

Whew. That was almost a disaster, my Ree-Ree.

The time had come, and suddenly the great speech and romantic flourishes I had been practicing were gone. My tongue felt too big for my mouth and I wasn't sure if I could even form words correctly any more.

"Hey, I need to ask you a question."

She must have heard something serious in my voice, because she got the cutest worried look as I sat up. It wasn't until I got on one knee and reached in my pocket that her eyes softened, and then grew large.

"I know that you still have your senior year to finish, and that I don't have much money, or a good job yet, or stuff that makes me worth what you deserve, and I know that Jacobs is kind of a boring last name, and that your family may not even like me, but... well... I..."

She smiled that sweet, sweet smile, and reached out with her finger, placing it against my lips.

"Shh. I’ve been waiting since you started carrying that ring around for you to ask me. Just relax, then calmly and quietly, ask me whatever it is you were going to ask."

I was in shock. She knew about the ring!

She sat back down, folded her legs under her to the side, batted her eyes at me demurely, and folded her hands together.

"Okay" My voice sounded like a rusty tin can being dragged behind a car. I couldn't remember what I was saying a few seconds earlier. I knew I’d planned this whole thing out hundreds of times in my head, but I had nothing. "Uh ... Marry me?"

I'm such an idiot. That was the stupidest proposal ever!

Her expression as she sprang into my arms was almost as welcome as the words she whispered in my ear. "Yes, and I think Jacobs is a lovely last name."

(2)

Most of the people who are here have umbrellas. Black umbrellas. I suppose that's normal for funerals, but we only own a red one. We share it. Well, we used to share it; I guess it's just mine now.

I left it at home.

I can see my daughter, but she won't meet my eyes. I know she hurts. She and her mother were close in a way that she and I never have been. I love Tonya with every fiber of my being, but she and Ree shared what felt like a psychic connection, at least to outsiders like me. When she scraped her knee as a child, I would always kiss it better, but when she got her heart broken or was filled with pride at an accomplishment, her mother was the one she ran to.

I can't kiss this one away, Tonya. I wish I could.

The minister says something, but I can't quite hear his voice. Just a droning sound under the patter of raindrops on stretched black fabric. I notice the tarp that covers the dirt from the hole. I don't want to think about that hole.

What was it you used to say, Ree? "Never dig a hole you aren't prepared to fill?" Something like that.

As I watch Tonya lay her single red rose on top of the white box that now holds the remains of my heart, I can't help but think about the day she told me that the two of us would become three.

#

We walked along the side of the road, as snowflakes fell around us. The world was soft, and the trees wore their new white mantles like fine jewelry. I could tell there was something on Marie's mind. She was unusually withdrawn; it wasn’t like her to be this quiet.

"Hey, Ree, want to have a snowball fight? I bet we could find some great hiding places in the woods."

"No. James, I need to tell you something."

My heart leapt into my throat. James. Not Jimmy, or Jimbo, or even Jim - but James. This was serious. I stopped and reached for her hand, but she grabbed mine first. Squeezing it tightly, she pulled me along with her.

At least you grabbed my hand. I know we will get through this, whatever it is.

"Please, keep walking with me."

My mind began to run through scenarios, each more devastating than the last. Was it the house? A shutoff notice for the power? The dog... was Max okay? He was a 65 pound mix breed who ate twice his weight in kibble each month, but I knew she loved the big lug even more than I did.

"Marie, what's wrong?"

"I know that you’ve been saving money for a trip to Vegas." She wouldn't look at me, and I began to worry even more. "But I don't think we can afford it."

Is THAT all this is? Oh you silly woman!

Marie had a good job waiting tables at a family restaurant here in town, and even though my teacher's salary wasn't a lot, it was more than enough for us to take a trip to Sin City during Spring Break next year.

"Sure we will, babe. I have enough put away for us to..."

"Not with another mouth to feed, especially after they make me take a few months off."

We continued to walk along as my mind processed what she said. The realization she was telling me she was pregnant broke through my thoughts like sunshine on a gray day. Everything gained color and clarity. The world became a different place, and for a moment, I was unable to speak.

"James." She was staring down at her feet as we wandered along the snowy road. "Say something, please. You’re scaring me."

I stopped her and pulled her close. I used my teeth to remove the glove from my right hand and reaching forward, I lightly took her chin between my thumb and fingers. I gently eased her face up to mine, and found her beautiful eyes brimming with tears.

"Hey." I wiped my thumb under her eye, and rolled the tears away before they could run down her cheek. "Do you love me?"

"Of course I do!" I could hear consternation and a little fear in her voice.

"And do you trust that I love you?"

She nodded slowly.

"Then stop crying, and let's celebrate." I reached down and lifted her up. Her legs found the familiar spot around my waist, and she linked her hands behind my neck. Spinning us around and around, I yelled, "We're having a baby!"

Her tears became that gorgeous smile I love with all my heart, and she leaned her head

back as we spun and shouted along with me. "A BABY!"

Max, it looks like you’re going to have to share us, bucko.

My heart felt like it would overflow. The snow no longer even felt cold.

(3)

I stand here and listen to the sound of nothing at all. Everyone else is gone. I'm sure that Tonya is serving cake and coffee at the grange hall by now, but I can't make myself leave just yet. Truth is, I’m terrified. Not of death, but of life.

I never realized how hard it would be to even think about living without you, Ree.

The rain has turned cold, and the sun is much lower in the sky than it was when the service began. I can see the workers; they’re waiting for me to leave. I know they have a job to do. They have to bury my wife.

Those words sound alien in my head; I remember us laughing together, just the other day.

It occurs to me that it wasn’t really days ago. The truth is, it’s been over a month since we had laughed, or even spoken to one another. Over a month since that horrible day she was admitted to the hospital.

At least I know you faced the end with faith, my love. I suppose that's how I will manage to make my way through what's left of my life...

(c) 2016 - dustygrein

(continued from Part 1 here: https://theprose.com/post/160595/when-angels-cry-part-1)

...

I never thought it would happen this way. Somehow, I have to make my way through the endless stream of minutes left to me, alone and missing her. Lord knows we faced mortality together a time or two. Her faith and spirit always carried us along. Even Tonya learned quite early that to love is to hurt when it's over.

#

The dirt in the back field was rocky, and it was hard to get a shovel into. Tonya had refused our help though. Ree and I stood and watched together as our daughter, her face lined with tears and determination, dug a grave for Max.

He had been her dog since the day she was born, and at twelve, she had made the decision herself, that his time was done. It had been hard on her. He was old, mostly blind, and could no longer run and play.

That morning, she had come to me with tears in her eyes. "Daddy... it's time to call the vet. Max peed all over in his bed, and he can't stand up to get out of it."

"Okay sweetheart. I'll call him."

"No, I'll do it. I want you and Momma to be there with me though, okay?"

"Of course. We’ll always be here for you."

She had been brave on the phone. Even later, when Dr. Bloom came out and gave Max the injection that let him fade off to sleep for the last time, she had been strong. The tears coursed down her cheeks, but she held his old paw until he breathed his last. She even stood and thanked the doctor.

I am so proud of you, baby girl. Your heart is bigger than your whole body.

She had lovingly washed the urine from his back legs, and wrapped him in one of her old blankets. I’d offered to help, but Tonya said no. Marie had grabbed my hand and when I looked at her with a question in my eyes, she shook her head. She had known this was something Tonya needed to do on her own.

The dog was almost as big as she was, but she lifted him and carried him outside. She placed him on her wagon, and when he didn't quite fit, she looked at her mother. The pain on her face was almost more than I could bear. Ree helped her tuck his feet into the wagon and fold his tail up under his belly, so Tonya could wheel him to the field.

She accepted my help lowering Max into the grave, but she again refused any assistance when it came time to fill it in. She found a big rock for a grave marker, and I was pretty sure she only let me carry it, because it was too heavy for her to lift.

After the marker was in place, she took her mother's hand. "Can we say a prayer for him?"

Marie and I both had joined her in grief, though ours was compounded by an inability to take her pain away.

Oh Tonya. I'm so sorry that you have to learn this lesson, but it was inevitable. Everything we love carries with it the seeds of pain when it passes on.

She bowed her head and led us in the Lord's Prayer. I’d never heard a more beautiful or heartfelt prayer in my life, nor one that touched me as deeply as my little girl's prayer for her lost best friend.

(4)

I listen to the thunder roll through the black sky and stare out the window at the sleeping city below. The rain continues to fall mercilessly; it was a sound that used to make me sleepy and comfortable. I don't think I’ll ever feel that way again. I'm not sure I will ever feel anything quite as much as I did before.

The tears threatening once again, I stand up, step into my slippers, and walk to the kitchen. Maybe a late-night snack will help me sleep. The clock in the living room does it's soft reminder that it is 3:30 in the morning, and I find myself chuckling.

You always said I had an internal stomach-clock, set for 3:15. It's still working, Ree. I won't get any crumbs in our bed, my love.

Our bed... our room... our life. I don't want to think any more. I grab some leftovers from the fridge; there must be twelve kinds of casserole in there. I think everyone brought me food. I wonder why we do that. Maybe it's because so many folks find comfort in eating.

Three or four bites in, I realize I'm not hungry. I know that if I continue eating, it will just make me nauseous. I scrape the rest of whatever it is in my bowl down the disposal and rinse my plate. I make my slow way back through the darkened house to the bedroom that I now must sleep in alone.

I sit back on the bed; turning, I see my reflection in the mirror. Her mirror. I hardly recognize the old man I see looking back at me. Somewhere in that lined face, lives the ghost of the man I used to be. I've gotten old.

Damn, Ree... how did you still love me when I look like this? You still looked as fresh and beautiful as you did the day we met. Okay, maybe not as fresh, but every bit as beautiful.

I reach over and pick up the last picture we took together. It was at Christmas, two years ago. It saddens me now, to realize we will never get a chance to take another one. That was one of her passions for so many years; she loved pretending she was a model, even when we only had a little disposable camera.

#

"Say Cheese..."

"Rally, James dah-ling, no one says cheese any more. It's so passé."

Her fake British accent sounded more like a cross between French and Irish, but she always made it cute anyway. She started posing for me, so I started directing her as well. "Okay, now show me your best pouty-face."

She did, and I took three pics to be sure one of them turned out okay. By the time she had done three more poses—innocent, flirtatious, and then best of all, sexy—the camera was done.

She wasn't ready to be done however, and forcefully suggested we get another disposable camera. I knew she was also going to insist on the one-hour photo to get them developed that evening, but when the mood was upon her, there was no denying her whims.

We bought three more of the little 35mm cameras with built-in flash and went to the park. We saw a lady with a pair of poodles out for a walk, and Ree couldn't resist.

The poor woman. Ree not only convinced her to let us use her dogs for our "photo shoot," but to come with us until we found the perfect spot for pictures with them.

I didn't think it was possible, but I love you even more today than I did yesterday, Marie Jacobs.

I was still getting used to the sound of that. We had been married for three months at that point, and every day was an adventure. I was sometimes afraid of how much I loved her, but mostly I just enjoyed it and our new life together.

"Okay, now I want you to climb that tree, and give me your best ‘come hither’ look, while lying on the bottom branch." She was already half-way up the tree before I finished saying it. Sometimes we just clicked on the same wave-length. That was one of the million reasons I knew she was my soul mate.

We didn't know it at the time, but that shot of her lying on the branch would become somewhat famous. Life magazine bought it, and my Ree was a star for a month.

(5)

I sit up and blink at the sunlight shining in my eyes.

"Ree! Can you close that curtain?"

My voice is swallowed by the room. I realize that I am in my recliner, and on the heels of realization comes memory; there is no one here to answer me now.

The sun is shining through the sliding glass door that opens on the small balcony. I'm not sure what time it is. I'm not sure of much right now, except that the rain stopped sometime after I dozed off, and that my old chair may be great for watching football games, but it wasn’t meant for old men to sleep in.

My back is going to be screaming at me all day long. I wonder if we have any aspirin... We... I think I hate that word now.

I stumble to the bathroom and can't help but notice - all of her things are still scattered around the sink and on the medicine cabinet in front of the mirror. Her denture case is still there, though it is as empty as her side of the bed will be from now on.

I finish using the toilet and hear myself laugh; no one will mind if I leave the seat up now. The sound of my laughter rips something loose inside me, and the grief floods into me. I grope my way back to my room and fall to the floor next to the bed, as the tide of pain and sorrow rises like a tsunami, washing away all coherent thought.

Oh Ree! I need you like never before, and you’re gone.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, the sobs clawing their way out of my chest, hot salty tears pouring from my eyes, and the dull ache of loneliness, pain, and fear thumping in time to the beating of my heart.

I do know when I finally felt able to breathe normally again, my eyes were tired and sore, my nose was plugged completely, and my diaphragm felt as if I had been working out for hours.

It's strange how a deep bout of emotional release can leave you so tired, especially right after waking. My tears helped take the sharp edges off my pain; it would always be there, but I could now stand again.

I made my way back to the front room and gaze at the black and white photo on the wall - the one of the impossibly young couple who had just gotten married.

Is this my new normal?

The word "forever" echoes in my head. Suddenly I hear the preacher's words on that day, so long ago. The words we both repeated.

'Til death do us part.

I had no idea, literally no concept, of what those words actually meant. It's just now sinking in; this parting is permanent, at least this side of Heaven.

#

The sun shone brightly on the grass, and the birds sang sweetly in the trees overhead. We had over 80 people with us that day, and the folding chairs in the back yard were full. I stood there on the small platform, nervously talking to my cousin Fred. He had offered to be my best man, since my lifelong friend Aaron had come down with the flu the day before.

The flu my ass! He’s just hungover and still mad because I no longer want to spend my Friday nights hanging out with him and the boys at Dell's Bar.

I heard the music start. That single tune that can only mean one thing. Here comes the bride. I turned and there she was, her father walking next to her with tears streaming down his face.

She was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen, and I forgot how to breathe as I watched her approach. My balance threatened to send me tumbling to the ground.

As her father placed her hand in mine, everything made sense. All of my confusion and doubt vanished, and the world became crystal clear and was in sharper focus than it ever had been before.

This was where God meant for me to be. This woman—this magnificent, gorgeous, beautifully happy woman—was the one He meant for me to be with. She was my one and only. My soul mate.

I held her hand as she stepped up on the platform, my eyes glued to her face. Slowly we both turned and faced the preacher who was standing before us, beaming.

Nothing has ever felt this right. These vows will be etched in my heart and soul forever, Marie.

#

My reverie is broken by the door opening. As stupid as it sounds, there is a split second of hope that I’ve been dreaming; this whole thing is nothing but a nightmare and she’s only been at the store.

I get to lose you all over again, Ree. I guess that's also part of my new normal.

I turn as the truth asserts itself to find Tonya standing there. My baby girl. She holds out her arms. I match the gesture, and she runs to me, embracing me in a grip that feels like she’s drowning. Maybe she is; I feel that way as well.

"Oh, Daddy. It hurts so much."

"I know it does, sweetheart." I release her, holding her at arm's length. "We’ll get through it together - the way Mama would have wanted us to, okay?"

She nods as tears course down her cheeks.

She's as tough as you always were, Ree. I'll do my best to be just as tough.

A movement catches our eyes, and we both turn and face the glass doors.

The balcony overlooks the city, and everything is still wet. The rain must have stopped more recently than I thought. On the railing was a giant yellow butterfly, slowly fanning its wings.

I can almost feel the smile that breaks across Tonya's face. Yellow was always her mother's favorite color, and butterflies her favorite photographic subject. Sometimes the signs are obvious. She was still with us.

Thank you Ree. I will love you, and miss you, forever. Save me a place on a cloud next to you, and I’ll see you when my turn rolls around.

(c) 2016 - dustygrein