I took a shower last night

(Normal occurrence for those wondering)

I was going to be late for an important FaceTime meeting

And this is what happened

Shower: HOTCOLDHOTCOLDHOTCOLD

Me: *internal screaming*

Lesson: Don’t take a shower when both the clothes washer and dishwasher are going, and your brother is taking a shower upstairs

Shower: HOTCOLDHOTCOLDHOTCOLD

Me: Gets shampoo in my eyes trying to stay out of the water while flailing for the temperature knob *actual screaming*

Lesson: Honestly they should have tear-free adult shampoo, it’s not like our eyes are any different than kids’ are

Shower: HOTCOLDHOTCOLDHOTCOLD

Me: Forgets to put conditioner in my hair

Lesson: Always have leave in conditioner handy after a shower

Shower: HOTCOLDHOTCOLDHOTCOLD

Me: You know that scene in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves... with the bar of soap... yeah...

Lesson: Soap is evil

Shower: HOTCOLDHOTCOLDHOTCOLD

Me: *cuts self with new razor*

Lesson: Slow down

Shower: HOTCOLDHOTCOLDHOTCOLD

Me: *falls through shower door trying not to be burned*

Lesson: Don’t argee to move into the basement bedroom. Just because it has it’s own bathroom doesn’t make it worth it.

Then, I wrap my hair in a towel

Go to get dressed

This requires me to cross my room barefoot and blind

(also a normal occurrence, I am very badly near sighted)

I am not going to write everything out because it can be summed up like this.

I am in the middle of an art project.

This project has so far required the following: A hammer, four screwdrivers, a staple remover, mod podge, several paintbrushes, two pairs of scissors, three large canvases, a very sharp metal ruler, an oddly heavy speaker that I trip over even when I can see it, a pair if wire-cutting pliers, and about twelve pencils because I am too lazy to cross the room to get the pencil I left on the other side.

The good news, I was only about ten minutes late for my meeting, which went very well.

The blade of a guillotine glides through the air,

cutting with sounds like a rotating sprinkler,

and comes down through my left arm,

slicing it clean off.

I pick up my arm and shake my hand,

realising an opportunity here,

in that this action can no longer be defined as ‘clasping one’s hands together’,

but must be ‘shaking hands with oneself’.

The shake is awkward, of course,

because my counterpart has offered his left hand.

I look up to meet his gaze, but there is no gaze to be met,

for I am holding a detached arm!

I swallow a fly in shock.

I wonder if it dies in my body?

Spluttering coughs regurge and resuscitate,

and the fly buzzes off to harvest the juices

of the dissevered arm that I’m holding.

The next event near killed me.

A sound of carving air descended upon my ears,

and I looked up just in time to see an axe

swooshing down from great height,

a terrific feat of autonomy from the blade or handle.

I wondered who the boss was -

blade or handle?

For the blade was shiny,

and mostly shiny things were considered the boss.

But the handle was old and wooden,

so of course the title was up for contention.

Oh I was lucky!

The airborne axe would have sliced my left arm clean off,

had it not been for that vagabond guillotine blade!

Okay, you asked for it... vile puns of the week collection is back. As a general rule of thumb, if at first you don't get it, try reading it aloud before resorting to your favorite search engine.

I used to have a soap problem, but I'm happy to say I've been clean for years.

My cousin got a job cleaning cannons at the circus but he never did it properly, so they fired him.

Did you hear about the new book on quintains? According to critics it somewhat misses the mark but is a real page-turner nonetheless.

You know, they're doing amazing things to plants these days with genetic engineering. I just heard about efforts to miniaturize certain tubular members of the squash family. The only problem was that the vegetable has lost its signature green color. Researchers were disappointed that the new plants only produced itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot zucchini.

Descartes is at a party when a waiter walks up with a tray of shrimp hors d'oevres.

"Beef, monsieur?"

"I don't think-" Descartes begins, and disappears.

Based on their description of their cuisine and the fact they serve the public, I can only assume Dairy Queen serves Fan Fare for the Common Man

Did you hear about the new Dracula revamp that came out? For such a high-stakes movie it really sucked.

What's a dentist's favorite kind of dinosaur? A flossiraptor!

Where do deer go to bathe? The fawndromat!