I do not think that science and religion are necessarily opposing or contrary ideologies, mainly because science is not a belief system, but they nonetheless collided in my mind as I grew up.

I was born and baptized an Irish-Catholic and believed firmly in God and Heaven. At the same time I had a lot of books on various scientific topics, of which the books on astronomy and cosmology were the most interesting. Looking back, I had two separate understandings of the universe, one biblical and the other scientific.

I believed in the big bang and evolution, but God was the progenitor to all these things. As I became a teenager I began to question the literal bible stories, losing faith in the supernatural aspects of religion. I had trouble believing these stories as I learned more about science and saw and recreated real experiments. I didn’t have faith in religion, and I liked the stories that physics told over the bible stories.

Eventually God didn’t make sense to me. There were too many questions about God’s eternity and powers. Could ‘he’ (Catholic God as ‘he’) make a rock he couldn’t lift? Is he good? Why make life in the first place? “We cannot understand his vastness,” was a common response when I asked people. The universe seemed better with no god and a lot more questions.

My faith in God has shifted to my faith in our ability to accept that we don’t know all the answers, but that we can slowly find them. Science is not a belief system, but it influenced my belief system, and I now believe in the ability of humans to find an ever more complete understanding of the universe.

All the world is scared.

I’m shit my pants terrified.

But you know what? I’m tired of missing chances. I’m tired of fucking up.

I’m tired of a lot of things.

So fuck it, I’m all-in; whether or not the rest of the world is. If I get fucked, I’ll take it with a smile. If I get broken, I’ll pick up the pieces and start over.

Here’s my heart, and I’m hoping for the best really, but there is that chance. That you’re a liar. That none of this is real. That this is all for nothing.

If I go by what the past has taught me: I should be careful; I should be reserved.

Fuck trust.

But you know what? There’s also a chance that it’s not bullshit. That this really is what I’ve been waiting for. That you’re the change I want to see in this world. That you are real.

So fuck the past, because that isn’t what you are. You are the here, and now.

And fuck if I’m gonna let that pass me by. I’ve been living half-halfheartedly for way too long, and I’m tired of being lonely.

I’m tired of being cynical. I’m tired of being jaded.

Most of all, I’m tired of this apathy.

Hah!

If only I were that brave.

Or dumb.

Well I used to be.

But life teaches you better.

The endless lecture of cold reality,

each lesson leaving deeper scars than the last.

The only mandatory education.

The only class no one can cut,

lest it cut you right back.

The only time you'll ever see true existence:

a dull blade sharp enough to shear your soul clean in two.

“An Eagle stayed his flight and entreated a Lion to make an alliance with him to their mutual advantage. The Lion replied, “I have no objection, but you must excuse me for requiring you to find surety for your good faith, for how can I trust anyone as a friend who is able to fly away from his bargain whenever he pleases?

So, I’m cutting off my wings as surety.

All-in; the rest is up to you.”

I wrote this for someone else long time ago, but no one deserves these words more than you do. I’m scared of getting hurt again. I’m scared of trusting. I guess this is how I express my feelings, through words and paragraphs. But all the words in the world can’t express real humanity.

She made me feel absolutely incredible and it seemed too good to be true.

Well, it was.

As if you didn’t see that coming.

I on the other hand, did not.

Hope.

Naivete.

Trust.

The expletives of our era.

The sins that I eventually had to pay for.

So I’m hoping she’ll read this, maybe give me a sign or two that she still feels the same way she used to; that we don’t have to be afraid of each other.

That she meant it when she sucker-punched me with that one word; the one that starts with L and ends in heartbreak.

Or maybe she won’t. Because this is life; not one of those books that I cling so hard to, with happy endings and the perfectly-timed deus ex machina. Another night I suppose; ice and whiskey for me. Ice, whiskey, and these paragraphs of glass will have to suffice. For now at least.

Axioms and Idioms are fine and dandy, but in the end it’s you who determine how I feel;

and well, I’m feeling awfully (omitted) today.

Doubt sucks.

Oh well.

People and things I regret

are the only things i want to do tonight.

—burletta—

That’s all I am these days.