what am i?
i don’t know to be honest.
maybe i’m a coward.
i'm not even sure if that's an identity.
the only time i ever run out of adjectives
is when i struggle to describe who i am.
maybe i just think too much.
about the past
the present
or whether or not i even deserve a future.
about fucking up and down.
about how to even determine
what the fuck constitutes a sin.
about the malaise i feel
when i notice each subtle change
in your mood and demeanor;
wondering if i’m doing it again
instinctively setting fire
to anything that has a chance
of actually making me happy.
or maybe i’m just conceited
for thinking it’s even possible
to read anyone’s feelings
when i can’t even read myself.
for thinking i am even capable
of being the cause of anything.
a prison built with my own two hands
these bars forged in wondering.
these walls mortared with doubt.
these bedsheets woven with insomnia.
i wish that old axiom held true.
this bed i made myself
if only i could sleep in it.
even the bars each whisper their own inquiries
a cacophony of curiosity
fuckfuckfuck i'm fucking drowning
in the sea of thoughts running through my head.
as the apathy slowly fills my lungs.
does it even matter?
should i even care?
about fear
about love
about the person
i wish i actually was
about…
fuck.
about racing thoughts
and rambling words
about you and me
about doubting
if it’s even possible
for someone as fucked as me
draping smiles over guilt
drowning emotions in cigarette smoke
to fucking exist
on the same pale, blue dot
as you do.
so you ask
what's my cultural identity?
human.
Androgynous
I am both man and woman in a sense.
I can dress and act like madam butterfly and just as easily be rocky balboa the next.
I posses qualities of nurturing and motherly love while simultaneously having the protective nature of a father and my undying need to save those I hold dear.
I am "girly"
I am "manly"
But what constitutes me having to pick just one?
And what says one is better for me than another?
I can wear eyeliner and a cute outfit and still kick some ass or shoot on point like a rifleman.
I love cars just as much as the next guy but I still swoon over a cute puppy.
My cultural identify is "person"
No gender involved.
