loving/being in love

i.

loving.

when I met him

I saw more than a person; I saw a

concept, an idea. & with this idea

came so many others, a stormcloud of thoughts followed by

a sunshine of fantasies. what I mean to say is that

he was my rainbow, but only for

a short time. I was impatient; I did not wait

to know him, all I knew was the pursuit

& it took too long for me to

give up. when I did, I discovered that

I had never met the boy I loved.

I was gazing through a window

without entering. I had found a beautiful idea

and decided that it should be mine, without asking

why. & for a while it blossomed,

but then he was gone,

& so was

I.

ii.

being in love.

I told myself this time I wouldn't. told myself

maybe I couldn't. maybe once was too much for someone

so young & so weak. but I couldn't help it, everything was colorless

without him, I needed more than a concept.

(you cannot dream

without some[one] to dream about).

and just as I had begun to think this,

I turned around and noticed you, almost for the

first time. & I felt that leap, it was familiar, it was different

than before. It came too soon, I had fallen for you

without meaning to. & it was more than the colorful

splashes of love, it changed me, made me look in the mirror

differently. what I mean to say is that you were the sun.

even though some days you refused to shine on me

I knew you were still somewhere, shining. and I absorbed all the light

I could, knowing I could not keep you, knowing

we were not meant for each other. but being in love

means being dedicated to more than just an

idea. so when you told me that you could not

love me, I continued searching for light,

even in the

dark.