If he said to me,

“I cannot sweep you off your feet,

I cannot give you riches,

but if you let me, I will sweep

the floor beneath your feet.

Together, I hope that we will keep

a house that’s clean and neat,

where our hearts will not be tainted,

covered with grime, and muck, and stain.

And though I cannot promise you

a life freed from worries and from pain--

as I’ve no doubt we will endure

the aches of temper and of strain--

I do promise forever I’ll remain

faithful to the end.

Like our house, so too our hearts,

free from chaos, free to rise

and love each time again.

I will love you without waver

and entrust to you my life,

and our children I will savor--

each a blessing, not a strife.

I will gladly offer

all I am and all I have,

if only you, too, will entrust

your heart into my hands.

These hands I will keep pure,

from temptations I will flee,

and in your love take solace

and mop and dust and polish

my heart and house both clean.”

If this he said,

then his love I’d know for me

for if a heart is ordered and uncluttered

it is free to love indeed.

I want to hear

That a loved one will always be there,

A shoulder to cry on

I want to hear

That a significant other

Will never betray you

I want to hear

Of a relationship, healthy and happy,

Where both members are free to be

Who they truly are

I want to hear

About a love that lasts,

Persevering through it all,

Even old age

Most of all,

I want to hear

That in the end,

Pursuing love is worth it

Please see through my disguise Let me know I need not hide who

I am on the inside, Shattered remains of broken pride. Please tell me I’m worth my time, help me see I’m worth the fight, even though I’m not all right, don’t let go, just hold me tight. Please show me where to go, for I’ll be swept where cold winds

blow, and there’s no way out I know, once I slash the crimson flow. All I want is

to know that I’m not forgotten, that a vow rings true in your heart.That we’ll

walk together in the days of hope and hold each other through the darkest

nights. That no matter where fortune takes us we’ll never lose ourselves.

Every rose comes with thorns, but the oldest roses become the most

beautiful. I will cherish your every memory and love all the time

given us, even as Death does us part. I see you in every cherry

blossom that whisks on the breeze; I see you in the dappled

light filtering through the trees. I see you in the young,

bright and youthful, potential sevenfold; I see you

in the elderly, whose minds are full of gold. I see

you in the moment, in the time beneath

the sun; I see you in forever

the deciding time

has come.

"It just hurts!" I sob into his shirt and, somewhere in my mind, immediately feel bad. He'll have to clean his shirt.

"I know." His voice soothes. "I know. Do you want to talk about it?"

My boyfriend is craddling me in his arms. They're wrapped around me protectively, as though he can save me from physical pain. But right now... it's the mental pain that is the problem.

I shake my head, burrowing deeper into his embrace. He smells sweetly of pine and smoke and I dimly remember that he has only recently come home from a camping trip. "Just hold me." I whimper.

"Always." He pulls me closer, resting his chin on my head, a movement I have always found comforting from him. We stay like that, him slowly rocking me back and forth. I don't know how much time goes by. All I know that for the first time in my memory, I finally have someone that I trust.

Alarik takes one look at her, as she stands in front of his dad's grave under the moonlight with streaks of soft blue light breathing on her skin and staggers on his feet.

She's beautiful. The thought takes away his breath, and he only gives more of his self in return even as it feels like his lungs are fire. But he wants to burn, Alarik finds. Completely and utterly burn in her existence. His eyes are stinging with tears. She is standing with her long blood red hair tied in a messy bun and her eyes closed head tipped downwards in respect to his father. Watching the sight feels like stepping into new fresh spring, something light and warm settling in the space between his ribs, pulsing his heart with feather gold. Feels like falling in love all over again and it's freshling dazzling. She’s beautiful, Alarik thinks again, as the tears flow down his cheeks like a river. He chokes on a sob, curls a fist on his chest–

Then, a laugh tears out of him his voice light and free in a way he forgot and surprises him even if it shouldn’t. Of course, even if everyone else left and spat on his father’s grave, called him a traitor she didn’t. Of course, she stayed and even chose to pray respect regardless of what his father did, what he sacrificed to save a handful of friends. War, hundreds of lives traded for four friends, only four lives yet she stands in front of his grave with deep respect like he was a hero. And the thought makes Alarik dizzy, tipsy.

Then, she opens her eyes, slides them to his meets his eyes with determined, sympathetic clear violet eyes, in understanding and the world shifts around him. The earth beneath his feet steadies, firms. And when she spreads her arms wide, Alarik doesn’t think as he crosses the distance in a leap and melts in her embrace. It’s like slipping into a lost piece of him, a piece he didn’t think he needed. Her sturdy arms hold in place, let him cry-laugh on her shoulder. Alarik shakes and trembles under her hold, but she steadies him and doesn’t let him fall.

It wasn’t fair, but the men were always supposed to be the stronger ones, always supposed to the protectors. Always had to hold their head high, the shoulders broad. But, sometimes Alarik wanted to be protected, he was tired and weary. Each part of him engraved with lines of fatigue, something inside him broken and shattered, completely unrepairable—

Then, Elina appeared shook the foundation of his world and rearranged it. Suddenly, Alarik didn’t have to wear a mask, didn’t have to pretend. The first time he tried to in front of her, she threw a punch at him then hugged, kissed him while she cried and cursed him.

So, Alarik melts deeper into her embrace, pours everything out, ugly and raw. Elina holds him closer, tighter in response.

(and somehow, were it possible he manages to fall deeper in love. Hits bottom rock in an abyss with a glimmer of lights at the end, and he can’t ever imagine climbing out. Only borrow deeper.)

somewhere in happyness

we’ll meet again

so wait

wait for me

i’ll see you in your dreams

so smile through the tears

i’m not gone yet

i’ll fly back so don’t forget me

it’s just that i’ve been lost

and i don’t know if i want to be found

i’m falling

but my wings won’t fly

you‘ve saved me so many times

but i want to overcome by myself now

so hang on a bit longer

we can meet again

don’t forget me already

we’ll meet again

in happyness

i’ll show you the stars

we can dance in the skies

and maybe i can say the words I never had the courage to in life

i...

i love

you

I spent some time in a homeless shelter, there I met Lisa who I started spending time hanging around with. Lisa had been homeless for six years. She kept all her belongings in a grocery cart and the shelter let her keep the cart there. She told me a story about how she got be homeless. Her boss where she was working found out that she was sole provider for herself and got her fired just because he thought it would be funny. Lisa stated that she wasn’t in contact with her family.

I liked Lisa a lot. One night she had breathing problems, and was taken to the hospital. Lisa had no other person to call a friend, she stayed to herself. I like Lisa a lot, and due to my proclivity for the downtrodden, I went up to see Lisa in the hospital. One day I brought her clothes, and her bags on another day. She was to have a follow-up visit with a doctor once she left the hospital. However, Lisa had no money, no insurance, and no way to get to the doctor’s.

After the shelter closed on April 1, Lisa went to live under a bridge. Several other homeless people followed her. The bridge was next to police station. Several fights broke out among the other homeless people, and the police eventually ran off everyone who was living under the bridge. At this time, I was working two jobs and living in my car. One job was working in another state (Winchester, Virginia). After work, I would drive to the bridge where Lisa was staying and would give her money for food. I had it, she didn’t, and because of the way I feel about her I couldn’t just let her starve.

One time when I went to the bridge where Lisa was staying, I asked her if she wanted to go on a date to a fast food restaurant just up the street from where she was staying. Lisa stated that the last time she left her belongings unattended she ended up getting in trouble.

I love you.

It's a three word phrase,

But it can be said many ways,

Many dialects,

Many languages.

It can be said,

Or it can be showed.

It can be what slows you down,

Or what makes you go.

And we wonder,

And guess what it means.

To love.

To be loved.

To be in love.

To me love doesn't sound like l-o-v-e. Love sounds like two voices

In the dark of night,

Whispering over the phone.

It sounds like the rubbing of skin,

As a gentle caress.

Love looks like travelling miles,

By train,

By car,

By foot,

By plane,

Just to close the gap between our kiss.

Love to me is spending hours,

And hours,

Dreaming of making you my missus.

It's not a giant ring,

Or a great wedding.

It is you in a dress

Walking towards me

With that gleam in your eye.

And now,

I hear love in your laugh

and in your voice.

I see it in every freckle,

Every mile.

Love has become our kiss.

The feeling of your touch,

Of our fingers intertwining,

Of my lips closing on yours.

Love is the safety I feel in your arms.

I find myself wanting to get lost in us.

In those deep blue eyes,

I could go swimming for hours.

I pull away from a kiss feeling drunk

And unstable.

But also euphoric.

As if I have found peace.

As if I have found love.

And I have.

I know it is every time I hear your laugh.

I can tell by how I think you look beautiful in anything,

Baggy shirts,

Or knee length tight faded pink shorts.

I see it in the way you dance so carelessly.

And I see it in the stars,

They remind me of you.

So small.

But yet, they light up the darkest nights.

Like how you lit me up.

So love.

No matter how you say it.

It‘s not a three word phrase,

It's something I hear in your song.

It's something I feel in your touch.

Something I taste in your kiss. Something I see in your eyes.

It's not a three word phrase.

It's a two letter word.

Us.

“Angel, you once told me that I used to be with you all in heaven. So, why am I here on earth?” “Sidney dear, yes, you were with us. But suddenly you started showing your displeasure being there. You requested to come back to earth that made the Lord very unhappy and upset. He granted your request, but He cursed you with two consecutive lives on earth, instead of your requested one. This is your final life on earth and you are on your final journey, so please be patient. A few years ago, even the Lord started feeling bad for you, regretting that the punishment was too harsh. So He gave you back your limited empowerment; that is why you are now able to visit us and see us all. The Lord wants to see you on your birthday, when He will withdraw the curse. After that, you will be able to see and talk to Him, too. You will also be allowed back in the temple of heaven where you used to entertain us all with your beautiful voice.”

Sidney however became curious about his past life, “If this is my second life on earth, why don’t I remember anything from my prior life?” “Dear, once your soul is destroyed and you are free from the cycle of rebirth, you will again remember all from your prior lives. Unfortunately, you are still within the cycle.” Sidney’s curiosity about his past life intensified, “Angel, please tell me about my past life. Was I married? Did I have kids? Where did I live? Am I married to the same woman again? Do we both belong to the same race, now?” Angel smiled and said, “I knew you would start with your past life. You were happily married with two girls. After you passed away, your wife lived eleven miserable years without you. You are not married to the same woman in this life. You and your past wife now belong to different human races. I cannot say anything more. As you know, I do not want to come back to earth.” But Sidney continued his earthly persistence, “Angel, just tell me where my past wife is and if she is happy.” To calm him down, Angel replied, “Dear, although you both grew up in different continents, you live in the same continent now. She is married with kids. She already has a lot of stress and I see no need to inflict more. Anyway, you must not worry about her. You belong to me. I have been waiting for a long time for you to come back to me. I am lonely without you!” Sidney wouldn’t stop, “Angel, one final question on this subject – have I ever seen her?” Angel politely refused to answer that question.

One day during Sidney’s lunch hour as they were walking around in Madison Avenue, Angel said, “Dear, if I am going to give you company on earth so frequently, I need some earthly clothing too. Can you please buy me some? You must have noticed we wear very different types of outfits up there.” As they came out of the store, Sidney emotionally remarked, “I have had enough of this earth. Now I truly enjoy heaven and I want to be with you there and I promise I will never leave you again. But how do I know when my final journey here is coming to an end? How do I know that my soul is going to be destroyed, so I do not get stuck in the cycle of rebirth here, again? What happens if I have a massive heart attack and I fall into a coma?” Angel laughed and replied, “Dear, don’t worry about any of this. I know your end and I will be there to accompany you back to heaven. Upon arrival in heaven, your soul will be graced by the Lord and destroyed, forever. Meanwhile, whatever time you have left, you should enjoy. By the way, your birthday is next Friday when you will meet with the Lord to re-grace yourself to re-enter the temple of heaven. Please be extremely polite with Him and plead to come back. On that morning, try to start your meditation an hour earlier, so you can be back to earth in time.”

On Friday morning Angel met Sidney atop the summit of Himalaya and then took him to the Lord’s abode. They walked through an ice tunnel to get to Him. He was also waiting for them in an unassuming chariot-like room, perhaps naturally formed. As they walked in, the Lord greeted them with a big smile, “Dear, I am glad to hear you are willing to come back. I knew you wouldn’t enjoy earth. It’s a great place for material folks and they love to come back to earth, time and again. By the way, without you, Angel looked so lonely and unhappy. I could not even look at her all this time. Now that you are empowered and she is able to interact with you, I can see how her face is glowing in happiness, again. In the process of punishing you, unfortunately I punished her more. I am glad it is all over and welcome back. She may have already mentioned to you that, in due time your soul will be graced and retired and you will be permanently reunited with us here.” After having been graced by the Lord, they proceeded to the temple where he was again greeted with a wonderful ‘Welcome Home’ reception. He was also enchanted to see the magnificent golden temple floating above the clouds and atop the summit.

Now that Sidney was empowered to worship the Lord with His grace and blessing and also visit the temple to entertain the attendees, he could hardly see Angel in the morning. He had the rush to come back to earth and get ready to drop the kids at school and go to work. Since he did not work in Manhattan any longer, he was afraid to see Angel during lunch in un-crowded suburban public places. One morning Angel flatly complained, “If you are not here by seven, I know you are not coming to see me. I feel so depressed the rest of the day. Why can’t you start your meditation earlier, so you can make some time for me every morning? How about getting a job in Manhattan again or a job that requires extensive traveling, so we can spend some time together during the day?” Sidney replied, “I am looking into other opportunities including a few in Manhattan.”

Sidney was now partially empowered, but that did not allow him to travel back in time and explore his prior lives. So he was always curious about his prior lives. In course of their conversation he once asked, “Angel, did we meet in heaven and fall in love there or were we married before on earth?” Angel was not forthcoming, “Dear, the real answer can be very distressing for you now. Once you are reunited with us, you will be empowered to travel back in time and explore your own quests. Of course, that time you will lose all interests to know your past lives. In heaven, these are considered simple earthly curiosities.”

The Lord’s birthday was nearing. Everyone was busy with their respective roles. Since this was Sidney’s first year since regaining empowerment, he was unsure as to what he was supposed to do. He had to ask Angel, “I don’t know what role I am supposed to play in celebrating His birthday. I do however want to play an important role to make Him happy. I hope He is still not upset with me.” Angel laughed and replied, “He is very fond of your music. Everyone wants you to entertain Him with your music. By the way, He is very happy that you are coming back. In fact, He even mentioned to me how happy He is to see you with us. You have to accept that you only wanted to leave heaven and come down to earth. It was your choice. He was simply displeased with your behavior and therefore inflicted the curse on you. Despite, He never took your heart, mind or protection away. Remember, you once chronicled the episode involving your first date with a girl who spat on you in front of scores of people for simply disagreeing with her on a trivial issue. Later on, when she lost her job and approached you through Karen for a job, you offered her the job without any hesitation whatsoever. A normal human would not have behaved that way. You were able to show your larger than life stature because the Lord did not take your heart away. It was the Lord’s grace that helped you behave magnanimously. Your mortal mind is equally astute. People who truly know you will respect you for your sharp mind and intelligent thinking. By the same token, you have noticed time and again how well protected you are from your evil-wishers. The Lord is an embodiment of grace and kindness. From now on, you must have the ultimate respect and devotion for Him.”

At work, Sidney was recently made in-charge of the Indian subsidiary. To get to know the people and the operations there, he decided to take a three week trip to India. He knew he would be busy during the day, but the nights would be lonesome. He asked Angel if she could visit with him. She humorously accepted his offer, “Dear, you want me to go around with you as your wife?” He was ecstatic to hear that Angel would come along, “I was so worried about this trip. Now I know I will have the time of my life. Our guest house overlooks the picturesque Juhu Beach in Mumbai, so we can watch the magnificent sunrise and sunset from the balcony and spend the evenings on the beach. Our temple in heaven will be closer, so we can be there every night. We can travel in weekends to enjoy some ancient Indian architecture. We will buy your Indian outfits once we are over there. I am so excited that I am already thinking of extending the trip to six weeks. I don’t know how I lived without you all these years!”

Sidney was still unsure how to prepare himself for his mortal end and the final passage back to heaven, so he asked, “Angel, can you please explain to me how to prepare for the end? It will be even better if you tell me when the end is coming. Since I do not remember my end from my prior lives, I am really concerned about my preparations. I cannot afford to take any chances for a third life on earth. Please guide me through the steps and the stages to the end. You have also mentioned the increased physical pain during the final phase that deeply concerns me.” Angel tried to put things in proper perspective, “Dear, as I mentioned before, you do have some time left, but I am not at liberty to disclose the end. Learn to live a simpler life and try to get more involved with your humanitarian activities. Be kind to the Lord’s other species. Enlighten young people with your writing. Just do things that make you happy and follow more vigorously the path you have already adopted. Of course, I prefer that you also spend a lot more time with me every day.”

On the Lord’s birthday Sidney knew he had to be at the temple of heaven early. He started his meditation at three in the morning. As he reached the temple, Angel showed up, “I am really surprised to see you this early. I have a big surprise for you today – something you cannot even imagine. Anyway, take a guess.” He was totally confused, “I know there is no marriage here, so we are not getting married. How about you will let me know my end on earth? I don’t know. I cannot think. You tell me.” Angel laughed and said, “So, you lose! Just close your eyes and reopen when I ask you to.” As he reopened his eyes he was stunned, “Mom, I am so glad to see you. It has been so long that you left us. Why did you leave us that soon? We were so young when you left us. We were just young boys. How have you been?” His mother was very happy to see him too, “Sidney dear, I am very happy to see you here, too. I know your brothers are doing well. Since you all grew up, I didn’t see any need for me to stay around. I missed heaven and I wanted to come back. But I must say I was blessed to have wonderful boys like you all. Your father was still young and I knew in my absence he would be able to reconstruct his life. I know your kids are graced too.” Sidney suddenly noticed his old dog Tommy was running towards him. He remembered how Tommy used to be with his mother all the time and how Tommy starved himself to death once his mother passed away. He looked at Tommy and said, “You have been a good boy? Did you miss us? Do you take care of Mommy?” Tommy was so delighted to see Sidney that he wouldn’t stop licking his hands. His mother remarked, “Tommy has always been a great help for me. I don’t know what I would have done without him.” “Mom, where do you live?” His mother replied, “I live in Paradise. Once you are reunited with us, you will be allowed to visit me in Paradise. I am thankful that Angel dear arranged for me to see you. I have been longing to see you all for so long!” Angel then explained to Sidney the difference between their heaven and Paradise, “Heaven is our spiritual place, whereas Paradise is for our entertainment. As your mother said, you have to regain full empowerment from the Lord before I can reintroduce you to Paradise.”

“Dad, we are going to a movie. Please keep an eye on Puppy and take her out in an hour. We will have dinner outside. Do you want us to bring any food from the restaurant?” asked Sidney’s youngest daughter. Sidney was not feeling very well and just replied to her, “I am fine. I will find something here. You all have a good time.” After his wife and the kids left, he started having a funny pain all over his chest. He thought it was a heart-burn, so he drank a little water and chewed a few antacids. As he felt a little dizzy, he managed to lie down on the couch. Suddenly his pain began to intensify and gradually spread to his mouth and forehead. He felt extremely thirsty. He tried to get up, but he lost control of his balance and fell flat on the carpet. In excruciating pain and severe thirst he started crying, “Can someone get me a little water? My chest hurts. Please rub my chest. A little water…” Puppy noticed Sidney was on the floor and unable to move. She knew the word water, so she rushed to her water-bowl and tried to drag the bowl close to him. Unfortunately she tripped the bowl and the entire water went inside the carpet. She tried to lick his tongue, but she couldn’t get to it. He slowly pointed her to his chest. As she started jumping on his chest, she again heard the word water. Momentarily, he felt the warm spring of water all over his face. He opened his mouth and quenched his thirst for the last time. He looked at Puppy and smiled to express his final gratitude!

Sidney started crying in front of Angel and lamented, “I am so deeply anguished to see my dead mortal body. I was inside that body for so long and now it is lying there cold and still. I feel so sad to see my wife and kids crying. I never knew they loved me so much. I can see the same sadness among my friends and relatives. I see how sad Puppy looks. Angel, how do I leave them and go?” Angel replied, “This is a choice you have to make. I cannot influence your decision, either way. Just remember, if you decide to stay back, you will lose your empowerment and you will not see or visit us again. If you want, we can be back to earth someday together, for one more life. Please decide quickly. I have to accompany you back to the Lord, so your soul can be graced and destroyed. If you decide to stay back, it will be our final goodbye. I am mentally and physically too tired to wait for you anymore. I cannot go through this loneliness one more time.”

Sidney looked at Angel and said, “Let the passage begin.”

As they started flying back to heaven, he looked back at earth and offered his final tribute, “Thank you for the two wonderful lives. I will always love you. Goodbye earth!”

He drove like he was trying to get away from something,

at the time I was trying to do the same myself,

so I became his passenger.

We spent countless summer nights

driving through the darkness,

windows rolled down and music blasting.

When we drove into the city,

I watched the lights whip past like shooting stars,

and listened to the sounds of the engine echo through the tunnels.

He was fearless,

in a time when I was afraid of everything,

my knuckles grew white from holding on tight.

Red and blue lights never fazed him,

they were part of the thrill,

after all, he knew the rules just well enough to break them.

Faster and faster we went,

I felt my heart exploding in my chest,

until I wasn’t afraid anymore.