Their tears don’t make a sound;

Their faces turn to the ground.

They walk around in a daze,

Though I see clearly through the haze.

To look down is to see the wrong way.

The clouds look beautiful today.

#poetry

Falling

Falling

Falling

Without any hope of ever getting up

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I walked behind you today as we exited the room and my heart got caught in my throat. My lungs pulled tightly inside my chest and I had to mentally will the tears away. Normal people don’t react to haircuts like that, do they?

But we do.

Because what they see is honey blonde hair, hanging lose, longer down your neck.

What they see is silky waves that you occasionally tuck behind your ears.

What they see is floppy locks falling through strong fingers, when you run your hands through the cascade of hair creeping into your eyes.

What they don’t see is that every inch of that hair is one more inch since she’s been gone.

They don’t see the hair that fell like tears on your bathroom floor as you shed it, a snake in skin he no longer recognizes or wants; marking the moment between before her and after her.

Where they see a haircut, a tiny change, you see the end of everything - a new beginning you didn’t ask for or want in a million years.

The buzzed head told them something has changed. But it told you that everything has changed and there are no words adequate to express that.

No way to help them see that the lost hair was nothing to the loss of the wife, mother, sister, friend, aunt, cousin, neighbor - companion - making her glacial year-long exit before your eyes.

You’ve been told that Jesus is your homeboy, but you’ve never met him, so you aren’t sure. You aren’t Jewish enough for Shiva; Is there such thing as a wake for the dying but not yet dead?

No one tells you how you should grieve, so you control the one thing left in your power; the only thing you get to choose that slips through your fingers.

So today, looking at your long hair, I see more than meets the eye.

I see your courage to keep living and your committment to keep loving and raising your kids; I see your heartache and your love.

And I hope your hair keeps growing, because it means you are still here, and even though it hurts - I know she wants that for you, too.

You didn’t realize quite how fond of your time together you were; not till now. Not till you were to never again hear their laugh save for that of a recording. Never again to see their smile. Never again to brush shoulders as you double over in laughter next to one another. You remember their face so clearly, but won’t behold it across from you in the days to come. You replay your last conversation together in your mind for the millionth time and not the last. You didn’t realize how many of your plans you never followed through on, you didn’t comprehend how many of the inside jokes would now seem like a wound to recall.

You didn’t understand how much pain the laughter that had passed between you would would cause you now. You hadn’t ever suspected how much you had wanted to go first, so that you may escape the world that would be should they pass before you, leaving a sadder realm behind them.

You didn’t know that being in a certain room could bring you such agony without them there to fill it beside you, and you certainly didn’t know that every picture you took with them could feel like a hot dagger in the chest upon viewing them.

You never suspected how much weight a memory could contain, not till now; not till it was their last laugh, their last word to you, or their last embrace you shared. Not till it was gone.

Faded memories mock as they evade my shabby snare,

randomly returning strong to catch me unaware.

Fear that I had made you up in my imagination,

gripped me with a constant inescapable sensation.

Convinced that you existed, though I didn’t see you much,

enough to make me miss you more and hunger for your touch.

Intense relief and longing drip warm salt into the night,

as I suddenly recall the way it felt to hold you tight.

I could feel your love surround me from my head down to my toes,

your cheek upon my hair and then your nose upon my nose.

Yearning overwhelms me as the memory lingers strong,

and I’m unable to control it as it carries me along.

I am again, the child within, alone, without defense,

struggling to understand what isn’t making sense.

Learning to endure the ache of feelings, unexpressed,

and to hide my lonely tears when they refused to be supressed.

Feeling like I’m up against the strength of all the earth,

without the love and guidance of the one who gave me birth.

Gone, she’s gone forever, never got to say goodbye.

This child will always wonder why her mommy had to die.

Therefore, if you weep-

Do not weep for me!

I am home-

Where I, am meant to be.

I pity those, who ignore last wishes of the dead.

Selfish!

I say!

To do it their way, instead.

Time means nothing!

Wait for the wind-

It, is coming!

When you see the branches of my favorite tree move-

Take my ashes where I told you to!

Otherwise, I shall haunt you...

By: Benz

Copyright © 2019

5/4/19

Ellie opened the heavy door to the south wing. The lock clicked behind her.

In room 17 she found Marian knitting. “Hello, Marian. Another scarf?”

“Yes, for my daughter. She’s in seventh grade. Who are you?”

“I’m your--I’m Ellie. I brought more yarn.”

“Good. My husband will like the brown.”

Ellie set the yarn on the dresser, next to the wedding picture from 1962. She kissed Marian’s forehead. “See you Thursday.”

“Okay. Bring yarn. Brown would be good.”

The nurse activated the unlock buzzer. Ellie wiped her eyes and wrapped her hand-knitted scarf around her head, against the December wind.

We are sitting in the grass, pointing out the shapes of unique clouds.

“That one looks like your uncle eating pizza!” Kailah exclaimed.

I let out a low belly laugh. We have been best friends for five years now. Today was my seventeeth birthday. I tilt my head towards her and smile. When I first moved here, I felt so alone. Kailah came over and asked me if I wanted to hang out. I was spewing with joy. From then on, we were inseprable. Kailah turned to me and flashed a wide grin. My smile disappeared as soon as it came. Blood was dripping from her mouth, the rustic smell filling the air. A splitting headache pounded into my head. The stunning scenery disappeared and was replaced by glass shards and blood stained ground. The car we had been driving was flipped upsidedown. Kailah hung upsidedown, her blonde hair now matted with fresh blood. I shook her shoulder.

“Kailah?”

There was no response. Tears began flowing down my cheeks.

“Kailah!” I screamed.

The booming sound of sirens filled the air. The last thing I remember is her mangled body being taken out of the car. She was gone. My best friend was gone.

‘Hello, I’m Stacie, a journalist from the Premier weekly, can you tell me what happened?’

‘......... No ...’

Nurse: ′ You should not be here, journalist, the guy needs to rest’

‘I’m sorry to disturb you at this condition, but you were the sole survivor, and if you could tell me’

Nurse: ′ Can you please leave...′

‘Oh, okay, sorry, i’d better leave...’

′ It was a lovely day, stacie, a very bright sunny day with spring clouds showering here and there.’

Take your seat.

Stacie sat down silently.

‘I went with my family to the carnival, my wife, my kid Dorien and our dog Valerie’, Gasp , ′ We were so happy, a new place, a new way of life, a better school for my boy, our lives ere just gonna get better.′

‘And then I heard a gun shot, should have been a bullet passing by my left ear. It just made me deaf, it was so powerful, so chaotic, i just fell, and my wife grabbed me, we were on our knees by then’

‘Valerie got frightened, she just fled, the poor dog.’

‘My boy Dorien, he just ran after Valerie’

‘A fleeting shot of gunfires, and my boy, my Dorien, he just fell, i wanted to believe he only got shot in the leg, but, but no, he fell’

′ Still unable to recover from these shocks, i crawled to my kid, held him to my heart, hoping a miracle would happen, hoping that he could hear my heartbeat, hoping that he could hear and wake up, but, but no...’

‘Words failed me’ ‘the world failed me’

′ and i looked to my side, and she wasn’t there’

′ I turned myself back to look at her, to get to her’

‘and , and, and she was there standing, I could not see even a single thought reflecting of her face. She just stood there blatantly. It was like someone took the love out of her, such coldness’

‘I could not hear anything, couldn’t see anything but her, and she fell to her side, time slowed, i watched her fall, it was so painful to look but it didnt’t stop, she was falling, it was like, like, like a whole life time, and she was there still falling’

‘And she hit the ground, the mob was gone, the gun shots were over, and everyone was murdered, i held her on my lap, my tears washed the dirt away from her face’

‘I cried so bad, i couldn’t cry anymore, i was drained of water, filled with extreme grief’

‘Valerie, she crawled to me, a moment of break i wanted,but, she just, fell right on my side’

‘my family was gone’

‘my family as gone, Stacie’

‘and here you are, to report this to your company, that’s only focussed on making money as a corporate, only making money of people’s pain and pleasures’

‘I’m sorry, sir, i don’t know, i just got nothing to tell you, you know, i got... , i gott’

‘Sir, are you all right, sir , can you hear me, nurse, nurse’

Nurse: What happened, what’s happening, oh my god, doctor, doctorrrr.....

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick toooooccck....

Alone I take a step,

I grow larger by the movement,

Each twirl throws me forward in time.

The normality of it entices another step.

I twist around to face another,

The stranger grabs ahold of me,

His touch is cold, burning my skin,

He’s leading now, urging us to spin again.

A new face is now in toe; stepping and sliding along with me, pushing the cold man into the darkened corners of the room,

A beautiful creature made of porcelain, perfected warm,

Encapsulated by his eyes, evergreen and hypnotizing,

His lips press against my neck pulling me closer against him.

Another woosh as I birl once more, the man is older than before, and I as well it seems,

He tries to sweep me off my feet, but a cold breeze grabs him away from me,

Into the dark I step alone.

I whirl around again and again, hoping the man returns, desperate for his light, it only grows darker still,

I’m panicking, picking up speed as I rotate faster and faster,

I cannot see and it’s getting colder.

I step again, embraced by the cold one once more,

I push and rip my hands away, they burn from his touch,

A sickly grin sticks to his face as I wheel about and step away, he catches my hand and pulls me back in, whispering my name.

I let him hold me, let him lead, my bones so tired of spinning. I step one last final time, the cold man disappears,

I close my eyes and hold my breath, I no longer feel cold. I don’t feel anything.