Run? Run.

I try to run. It's never been easy for me. I've always been big. Tall and thick would best describe me. I've tried for years to get into running as a way to exercise and be healthy. My husband can run. He is tall and skinny and grew up playing soccer. He can run. I like to say he is built like a gazelle and I am built like a rhinoceros. I remember the first time we tried to go for a run together. It was my idea of course, I thought it would be cute, a couple running through the park together, sweaty but romantic in it's own way. After a few minutes he looks over at me while I'm huffing and puffing and says " I might as well be walking". We haven't run together since. When I go for a run - it's really a jog, but it sounds better to say " I got up and went for a run today". People think "oh she is healthy and fit". I want people to think I'm healthy. Being seen running and talking about going for a run implies a certain lifestyle. It's vain, I know, to want people to think of me as fit and sporty. To be honest however, running SUCKS. It's hard for me. Some days I feel like cement blocks are tied to my feet and I can barley lift them off the ground. Somedays I can't breathe and sometimes I'm so sore afterwards it makes the rest of my day harder. But I keep trying. I find new places to run, maybe it won't suck so bad if there is a beautiful view, a body of water, a beach to sit at afterward or place to get a delicious latte nearby, those things do help. I've tried running inside and outside, on dirt and pavement and even barefoot in the sand. They say its good for you and your heart so I keep trying, three miles every few days so. I keep trying. Then there is the running culture. It's just so stuck up, so elitist. People brag about how many half marathons, full marathons, ultra marathons they've completed. They have a sercret language, talking about their PR all the time. There are books and magazines and blogs all dedicated to running and meant to inspire and encourage. Then there is the gear you are expected to have as a runner. $300 shoes, the handheld water bottle, the special running fanny pack, the right outfit, the energy gel packs, the hats, the gloves, the socks.....I can't keep up. So I just give up.

But...

I don't. I don't give up because there is a feeling at the end of run of something accomplished. There is joy. There is a feeling of worked muscles and a healthy body, a body that can still move and function-however slowly. If nothing else running reminds me that I'm still alive. Alive, even with complaints and aches and pains. Alive, even though some would say I'm lacking. Lacking in speed and distance. Some would say I don't have enough gear to be a runner, some would say I'm not enough. That's when I pull on my $20 shoes and head out the door telling the world "I am enough. I am here. I am alive and I am running!"