The soles of my feet are pounding against the solid cold concrete,

my arms are heavy and I struggle to breathe, as I wind down the long and narrow street.

I think about my mother and how she is alone,

ever since Gabby and I moved on and left our home.

I think about my sister and how hard that it must be,

when the only sibling she could look up to is unfortunately me.

I think about all the times that I’ve felt like not enough,

that being my toughest critic hasn’t allowed me to accomplish much.

I think about Dave and what our relationship would be,

if only I put more trust in him and learned to just love me.

I think about the future how the world is crumbling down,

and how easy it is to fit in, when youve been sheltered by a small town.

I think about the weight of things and how they crush me in my sleep,

how real life can get real hazy when I’m falling in too deep.

I kept thinking about these thoughts, all the way to the front door

My tired legs gave out and I began to sob on the floor.

The porch light flickered on and I didn't need to see,

for I knew it would always follow me,

it's name's anxiety.

My biggest secret... is a monster.

It is a voracious creature that is getting harder and harder for me to hide.

The more I feed it. The bigger and bigger it gets.

It likes to follow me around wherever I go. Sometimes I dont like to go anywhere because I am afraid it will be there lingering in the shadows and someone will see.

It’s favorite time to come out is at night... when everyone is asleep.

I take it into the kitchen and let it eat everything in sight.

Cereal, mac and cheese, icecream, whatever is there.

Its hunger is insatiable and sometimes I cant get it to stop.

It has this control over me.

It does whatever it wants.

The weight of this beast is starting to become crippling.

The stronger it becomes the weaker I get.

Sometimes I have to turn the shower on to hide the noises it makes... so nobody can hear it.

I hang my head in despair and wait for it to go to sleep.

Until next time.

This monster of mine taunts me.

I've tried to cut it off. Make it go away forever.

But it always finds its way back.

It keeps me up and night and consumes my every thought the moment my head hits the pillow.

This monster is my secret.

And it isnt going away anytime soon.

He said he liked her body better now. How was he not able to see the way her thick thighs jiggled when she walked? He must have just not noticed the cascading stretch marks that newly decorated her ass and her inner thighs. She missed how she could lay down on her back and stroke the hip bones that once protruded from below her nonexistent stomach, it was a comfort she could no longer turn to.

She wouldn’t say anything though. She knew it upset him. The fact he couldn’t help her and fix the biggest part of her that was broken. Any addiction can be hard to break. But shooting up heroin and drinking a bottle of vodka everyday were not innate needs that are a part of every person’s life. She had to deal with this addiction every day head on.

What were her biggest fears? Yes they included rejection, being alone, not finding her purpose. But the biggest? The biggest problem was a big greasy slice of pizza, mom’s pasta and meatballs, a package of Oreos, double stuffed of course, or her buddies Ben and Jerry, just to name a few. Nobody would know though because she was damn good at hiding it. Along with all the other painful emotions she kept tucked away and tried to forget. Everybody has some sort of pain and when it isn’t making them it's breaking them. It was breaking her a lot more than she ever imagined.

Before her trip home she fixated on the perfect opportunity to eat whatever she wanted and how much of whatever she wanted. But she shouldn’t she thought. She knew she SHOULD have something small. That was the right thing to do. It was the safe thing to do. Hmm a slice of pizza now? Or wait for McDonalds later? Or what about a giant burrito? Am I even that hungry though? Not really but fantasizing over the food was kind of the fun part. A guilty pleasure she could ruminate about for hours. After the stress and anticipation of thinking about this glorious meal she decided it had to be as soon as possible. She couldn’t drive home thinking about it for that long. She had to go somewhere she knew not a lot of people would see her.

She walked in awkwardly tripping over her own feet in her clunky rubber flip flops. She could feel several sets of eyes watch her walk in and she all of a sudden noticed the tightness of her spandex shorts around her stomach and legs. Every doughy inch of flab spilling over the seams. She felt like Sasquatch walking into the store and if it weren’t for all the immediate looks, she would have turned right around and ran out the door. She looked at all the massive slices and her heart started skipping beats as she was asked what she wanted. She just walked in how was she supposed to know? In her heart she knew she could eat atleast 4 slices but all that came out was “the broccoli one” oh and yeah a plain slice too”. God the broccoli slice was so big and all the gooey white cheese pulled apart in beautiful stringy unison as it was put it in the oven. She loved that.

It is very hard to eat such a delectable and greasy monstrosity of a pizza slice when you are driving. Especially with no napkins driving down an expressway going 80 mph. Of course this wouldn’t stop her though. It was like she was possessed. Each bite was bigger and better than the previous. As she took it down bit by bit the grease dripped onto her massive bare legs. It didn’t slow her down she kept powering through wiping the excess onto the wheel like a filthy slob. The whole slice was taken down in what seemed like seconds. And you know what? It made her feel really good. That was possibly the best most satisfying slice of pizza she had had in a while. The problem was however the grenade laying in the box next to her on the seat. The other slice. It was so plain and boring and she knew exactly why she got it. She definitely didn’t need it right now. This is where most people would stop. She couldn’t help but reach for the box and peer into it. No no she thought, I’ll wait till later, and she shut the box. But she had this drooping sensation in her gut. This was going to be a battle. A battle between her and plain slice over there. She reached for the box again and opened it. Fuck it. She knew why she got the extra slice. She had every intention of eating it even though she wasn’t hungry. She pulled that shimmery greasy slice out and devoured it like a mindless zombie that had an endless appetite.

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE SHE THOUGHT. She clearly did not think this thing through. Like most things she did. She managed to binge eat within the first 20 minutes of her 2 ½ hour car ride and now there was nowhere for her to erase the horrible crime she just commit on her stomach. In a panic she tried to think of her options. Get off a random exit and risk having to drive far to find a place? Pull over to the side of the road? The clock was ticking and after a couple miles passed she knew she had to act soon. It had to be the next exit. Gas station sign? Perfect. As she pulled off onto the exit and approached the gas station she saw a Dunkin Donuts across the street. Much cleaner bathrooms she thought and decided to give the Dunkin a try.

She walked in nervously. Her reason for being in there was so wrong. That wasn’t going to stop her though. She was on a mission. A mission to eliminate the two pizza slices that were desperately trying to crawl out of her throat. She headed for the bathroom, passing an old man on his cell phone waiting for his coffee, and a young greasy looking employee, pretending not to notice her. As she made a run for it to the back she tried to open the door but it was locked. Of course. Now she would have to ask. The door said customers only, Did she need to buy something? Fuck this was taking too much time and she didn’t even have her wallet. She turned around and headed straight for the door and could feel multiple sets of eyes burning holes into her back. She was that pathetic she couldn’t even muster up the confidence to just ask.

The gas station was her only hope. She walked in with the same psychotic glean in her eyes. She was in a panic and she could barely contain the anxiety bubbling inside of her. Where was the bathroom? She spotted a white dingy door in the back and was delighted to have found her beacon of hope, no matter how run down it looked. She closed the bathroom door behind her hastily, and locked it shut. She immediately felt safe. She could finally do what she so longed for. She stuck her middle and pointer fingers down her throat giving it everything she had and the struggle was unbearable. Like trying to pick something stuck in your teeth it just lingered in there and wouldn’t budge. It wasn’t going to be easy. She took way too much time. As she lodged her fingers down her throat again she stabbed and gagged and gagged and stabbed until chunks of the first slice forcefully made their way out. It felt so liberating to be free of the slice but the rest wasn’t going to come up she needed something to wash down her throat to make it come out easier. God she was so close.

She bought a Dr. Pepper and gummy bears before she left the store. Boy they were the Haribo kind too. They were her favorite. God she couldn’t understand why she did this to herself. Its like the anxiety was just telling her to eat everything in sight and there was no off button until the damage is done. This is why she loved but hated being alone.

As she drove, the thoughts of guilt and shame were racing through her head. It took her several minutes before she realized she hadn’t put any music back on. She ripped open the fresh pack of gummies and plopped them into her mouth slowly, cautiously, one by one. She filled that void inside of her again and she really needed to let it out. AS IF ONE TIME WASN’T ENOUGH.

She pulled over at a text and ride stop. With so many cars going by and people parked around close beside her it wasn’t safe to get out of the car. She laid open the pizza box and bent her body completely over so that no one in the parking lot could see. She once again shoved her fingers down her throat and all of a sudden she felt a fountain of fizz arise from her esophagus along with the little gelatin bits of colorful bears. It was such a relief.

She stared off at the other cars lined up around the lot. Lots of people came to enjoy the beautiful sunset and enjoy the end of their nice weekend. And then there was her who came to purge the 2.000-calorie mistake and years of anxiety that she never seemed to be able to control. Then came the wave of disgust that always comes after. The feelings of powerlessness and defeat. As she vowed to herself for the hundredth time that this would be last time, she heard her phone go off.

That’s when she got a text.

A text from her boyfriend.

She smiled and opened the text.

It was a text from her boyfriend saying he couldn’t deal with it anymore.

She googled the nearest McDonalds.