My Best Friend?

I was sweating, droplets were getting into my eyes and I had to constantly rub them to be able to see the tiny figures dance on the tiny screen grasped in my hands. I had no idea how I got to this video in the long trail of meaningless videos I had already watched but I couldn't wrench my eyes from the figures, with their skirts flying and their arms elongated, I wished I could dance that gracefully, but alas I couldn't even get myself to touch the ever-growing pile of homework requiring my attention on the desk.

AC had stopped working, the light was out and the room was bathed in darkness except the moonlight coming from the window and the only other source of light coming from the screen. Lying on my stomach, I held my phone and tried desperately to ignore the voice in my head telling me that I was making a mistake.

Whenever I did manage to separate myself from the device and sat down to work, there was this other voice, telling me what a failure I was, how I was incapable of completing my work, how I did not deserve praise even if I did manage to complete the work. Fear of failure paralysed me and in the next moment, I would be back on the bed clutching my phone, mindlessly scrolling through my Instagram feed, once again ignoring the pile on the desk.

Sitting up in the bed, eyes glued to the device, I cracked my neck, the screen moving with my head. Noticing the time, I started to move toward the edge of the bed, my phone chose that moment to die and left me staring at the blank screen.

Feeling a bit disoriented, I looked around and spotted the pile once again, by this time, my eyes were dry and there was a weakness in my body but I made the effort to get off the bed, tossing my phone on the duvet and starting for the desk.

On the way, I caught my reflection in the mirror, purple bags adorned my eyes, my hair fell loosely around my face and I looked terrible. How did it come to this? I was a model student, I had friends and a life.

It all started when I began to slip, my grades dropped and the friends were no longer enough to save me from the crippling self-loathing and from there it was a downward spiral.

Fear paralyses us, makes us incapable of making rational decisions and instead makes us surrender to our primitive instincts. It induces a flight or fight response and more often than not we choose flight. Avoiding the issue spares us from the emotional pain of never living up to our potential because we are so terrified of the future, of the unknown, that we are not even willing to take that leap of faith, faith in our own abilities.

I had no idea, rather no desire to get back up. I had failed at the first adversity and that was all it took.

In the months that followed, friends dropped like flies since I couldn't be bothered to give them the time of the day, and my phone became my best friend, entertaining me and keeping reality at bay. And here I am, still drowning in self-pity and using that as an excuse to procrastinate.

The binders seemed to be mocking me, daring me to open them, so that they could begin their nit-picking.

In a flash of rage, I grabbed my phone and smashed it against the wall, the pieces falling to the ground gave me a sick satisfaction. When satisfaction faded, it was followed by realization.

What had I done?!

I dropped to my knees beside the broken phone, clutching the pieces to my chest and mourned. Grief equivalent to that of losing a loved one consumed me and all the memories flashed before my eyes. Of getting my first phone, of decorating it and all the moments when people failed me and the only one I could rely on was on my phone.

Curling up in a foetal position, I laid on the floor and bawled. I had killed my best friend.

Sadness and guilt swirled inside me, clawing me from the inside out.

Sometime in the middle of the night, the moon was high in the sky and the tears had dried up. I crawled to the window and got on my feet, wobbling. Looking out the window, the beautiful night sky greeted me and I realized I had never quite looked at it before, at least not for the past two years. I traced the constellations from one star to the next, wondering about their names. This was peace, the quietness, the clarity in my thoughts. This was what I always wanted, peace.

In the silence of that night, I found something that I had been searching for, for a long time: myself. And I couldn’t wait to discover more.