One More Love
Looking in the mirror at my full length flowing wedding gown I wondered, am I making a huge mistake? I grabbed my purse, popped open the bottle of Valium and dropped it down the hatch, chased by orange juice and vodka out of a red solo cup. Fancy.
The room around me was spinning, all of my family and friends surrounded me, taking photos in the oversized Hollywood style bathroom of my home. One tying my dress, one fanning me, another putting on pearls around my neck, and other applying my makeup. A photographer snapped photos, and everyone assured me it was right. We were right, you just have cold feet, they said. Take another drink- you'll be fine. So I did.
It was more than cold feet. It was guilty feet, I knew in my heart that I loved him, but he wasn't the only one for me. We were different, we wanted different things, so why was I doing this? I inhaled deeply, took one last Valium and walked to where my daddy was waiting for me.
This man, my husband, he is wonderful. He is kind, hardworking and selfless. But he is equally cruel, lazy and selfish. 6 years later I reflect on the man that I married, and I recall all of the emotions that flooded my psyche that April afternoon. It was more than cold feet.
He came from a broken home, an abusive home, and had no real family structure to look up to. My family is dysfunctional as hell, but loving and accepting. We fight, but we don't quit. Overtime these childhood memories came to him in the form of PTSD and this passed on to our new family in the form of mental abuse, but if I call it when he's doing it, it's twisted back on me. So I pick my battles, and tell him his gas lighting will never work with me. I knew then and I should've stopped it, but I needed him. I needed his support, and I knew that one day when my wings grew back and I was healthy, I would fly away.
6 years later, my wings aren't quite ready, but they are getting close. You tell someone you love that you don't love them enough to stay.
They are good, but not good enough for you. Is that fair? No. Is it true? Yes. Is it worth being miserable forever for the sake of someone else's semi happiness? I don't think so.
Marriage is supposed to be for life, but I feel more like I'm serving a life sentence. I feel oppressed and held back. I am not living to my full potential in this relationship. I'm limited by another human, and I was meant to be limitless.
What happened to the sanctity of marriage? Is it a lost art? Is there such a thing as a truly happily ever after?
I think I'm destined for more than one happily ever after. Maybe it is possible to have multiple great loves in your life. I've already had several, but I planned on this being my last great love. It can't be the finale to my romantic heart. I need adventure, spice and authenticity. Someone who thinks like me, a dreamer who can see the future in many different lights instead of grey and dull.
I love you, but I'm letting you go soon. I'm sorry if this hurts you. My wings are almost grown, and I'm getting ready to fly again. Thank you for loving me, caring for me. You are good, great, you just aren't enough for me. Happy Anniversary.