The lock on the door that does not keep the children out;

every size of sock, balled up,

scattered everywhere, unpaired;

deep-red, dead roses drooping, heads bowed down,

stems entombed in an opaque vase−−

only eleven--strange;

wood-framed depiction

of a laughing Jesus ( a gift because I always wondered if He did)

beneath a canvas of our names in cursive

inside a heart of petals;

bought for twenty dollars at a yard sale,

end of day, two velvet

violet couches covered

in dog hair,

one doubling as a desk, the other as a hamper;

on the coffee table, another vase, this, tinted pink

holding withered flowers—

these, of a such and such variety but purple

and too many to count.

Plants do not fare well here.

Edges everywhere,

crossed, overlaid: books, furniture, shoes overlapping

the edge where carpet meets tile;

edge of dresser, mantle, nightstands,

all surfaced with papers, trinkets, valuables, and not-so-valuables,

threatening to topple

off. There are no clear lines here.

Sharp-played piano keys

sound out. I cannot tune it out. Not plunking of rote song for memory

but rather impromptu melody played by small fingers, moving

like geed horses

and also bullet-voices marking breaks, shooting through these flimsy walls.

Bluest blue

sky, seen from my window; subtler blues inside: copycat shades on candles, glass,

mane on a portrait where I was favoring experimentation, in photographs,

scarves, sheets;

lip balm in a small, round tin that I can’t open but won’t throw out;

few spots free.

A dismal mess.

Signaling disorder in our marriage? So says a study.

Blanket thrust off the bed, still crumpled on the floor.

What calm I can recall: a ruse believed sub rosa, wrought carefully

with such intricate threads of denial. Words,

words, words,

meandering across pages and pages−−

poems, prayer

journal, notebooks full of distilled hope (such shallow thirst),

attempts to release heavy weight of this;

damaged trust hidden in a drawer; half-truths pandering to sentiment

hanging on all the walls.

Media in vitae in morte sumus. Paperwork combed through for clues;

in bowls, matching rings, unworn; captured

in a photo, enlarged and mocking smile;

the muck of bad luck evidenced in disarray; indulged- in urges;

distinct aroma of your cologne; written rants; and more than what is written here

or even seen.

But, oh, beautiful, imperfect man−−

my room was a mess before you moved in.

#poetry #bedroom #marriage #secrets

I told my husband how I feel left behind and how my friends are doing so many amazing things and he responded with you need to grow up and be your own person you might not ever have what they will

I gave it all that I had but it wasn’t enough I married so young and I knew it'd be tough But they don’t teach you the skills to take care of yourself Or that marriage can truly impact on your health The first year started out with a rocky beginning By the end, my pregnancy had both of us grinning The second flew by with some struggles as well We were such happy parents but going through hell We decided to move country to start a new life So we moved to Australia, just to be faced with new strife Our income was low but we loved life and each other By the third year we had started to bag one another Suddenly, there was a side to this man I had not seen He would cuss, get angry and had started to be mean Yes life was stressful and moving at a slow pace But that’s life, and these times you're supposed to embrace  Life moves so damn fast and the years fly on by When I look back at the years I just sit there and cry We had such an opportunity, such a big chance And we let it slip by, without even a glance We were just so caught up on the trivial things So we never addressed any of our bad feelings We let them fester until they would explode I would hold in my feelings, god I thought I'd implode You were scary to confront, I feared how you'd react Would you yell or be broody, planning your counterattack  You could never take criticism not even from me But you were always telling me how communication is key You want to know what I'm thinking, and why I am so sad But you don’t understand that you've driven me mad One second you're fine, and then the next you're not You switch randomly between freezing and hot So that sums up the fourth year and most of the fifth Have another child they said, don't you know they're a gift?  Well I had  another but it didn’t do much Except trap me even more in this marriage of such Towards the end of the fifth that’s when all hell broke loose  When  your mental health crashed from the workplace abuse  I pretty much raised our kids alone for that year But I suck as a mum, from you, I did hear The sixth year was intense but I held on through it all I just focused on work and the kids I recall I tried my best to move forward move on with my life I even tried to forget that I was your wife The sixth year passed and now on to the next When I finally picked myself up in the job context  I landed the job of my dreams that I worked so hard for But you took that from me, reasons why I'm unsure Were you jealous of me or of all my success  Because I lost my job due to you being “depressed” Since then its been harder than I thought life could be I'm surprised that I haven't hung myself from a tree For now I'm in the eighth year of this marriage of mine And all I can do is pretend it is all fine But its not and I'm sad and I want to be dead But I'm scared to place that gun to my head One day it will end but I want you to know That I did all that I could and put on a good show But I can't keep this up and I can't always be strong I'm a drama queen you will say but you couldn't be more wrong.

#fear #marriage #younglove #despair #lifelost #loveslessmarriage #abuse #emotionalabuse

I gave it all that I had but it wasn’t enough

I married so young and I knew it’d be tough

But they don’t teach you the skills to take care of yourself

Or that marriage can truly impact on your health

The first year started out with a rocky beginning

By the end, my pregnancy had both of us grinning

The second flew by with some struggles as well

We were such happy parents but going through hell

We decided to move country to start a new life

So we moved to Australia, just to be faced with new strife

Our income was low but we loved life and each other

By the third year we had started to bag one another

Suddenly, there was a side to this man I had not seen

He would cuss, get angry and had started to be mean

Yes life was stressful and moving at a slow pace

But that’s life, and these times you’re supposed to embrace 

Life moves so damn fast and the years fly on by

When I look back at the years I just sit there and cry

We had such an opportunity, such a big chance

And we let it slip by, without even a glance

We were just so caught up on the trivial things

So we never addressed any of our bad feelings

We let them fester until they would explode

I would hold in my feelings, god I thought I’d implode

You were scary to confront, I feared how you’d react

Would you yell or be broody, planning your counterattack 

You could never take criticism not even from me

But you were always telling me how communication is key

You want to know what I’m thinking, and why I am so sad

But you don’t understand that you’ve driven me mad

One second you’re fine, and then the next you’re not

You switch randomly between freezing and hot

So that sums up the fourth year and most of the fifth

Have another child they said, don’t you know they’re a gift? 

Well I had  another but it didn’t do much

Except trap me even more in this marriage of such

Towards the end of the fifth that’s when all hell broke loose 

When  your mental health crashed from the workplace abuse 

I pretty much raised our kids alone for that year

But I suck as a mum, from you, I did hear

The sixth year was intense but I held on through it all

I just focused on work and the kids I recall

I tried my best to move forward move on with my life

I even tried to forget that I was your wife

The sixth year passed and now on to the next

When I finally picked myself up in the job context 

I landed the job of my dreams that I worked so hard for

But you took that from me, reasons why I’m unsure

Were you jealous of me or of all my success 

Because I lost my job due to you being “depressed”

Since then its been harder than I thought life could be

I’m surprised that I haven’t hung myself from a tree

For now I’m in the eighth year of this marriage of mine

And all I can do is pretend it is all fine

But its not and I’m sad and I want to be dead

But I’m scared to place that gun to my head

One day it will end but I want you to know

That I did all that I could and put on a good show

But I can’t keep this up and I can’t always be strong

I’m a drama queen you will say but you couldn’t be more wrong.

#fear #marriage #younglove #despair #lifelost #loveslessmarriage #abuse #emotionalabuse

It’s 11 pm, Thursday night

Longed for him to stroll into our room.... Instead, not even a fight...

His footsteps approaching from front porch again.

With hopes up, oh sure, how vain, how vain.

He was walking into the kitchen just to refill glass high

The addiction, we’re broken

Only, hi and bye.

Short days without him, Lonely nights alone

while desperately, I ...

Weep in our sheets waiting for my groom

Wanting to hear about his dreams, in bloom.

My eyes shut down, from our needy kids

—->I can barely even see to write this.

The tears from my heart, desperate to be touched.

Asking our 5 year old to massage my legs,

“he’s too busy” & such.

I have slaved all day just keepin’ the littles alive.

& When he gets home, it’s dinner then a dive...

Right in, to CC & La Aroma de Cuba

Hazed, and cloudy I just feel like succuba.

I don’t know where to go.

To sleep I suppose

Maybe in my dreams...

At least, that I chose ...

Meet me there

As the sun just passes behind the shadows

Beneath the mists

Of Avalon evergreen

I’ll be wearing robes

Of ivory and cream

With ribbons trailing from my wrists

Matching wreaths upon our heads

Secret vows spilled from tender lips

Made of violets and roses

We join hands

Forever for an eternity

As sure as the sun,

I will be there for you.

Trust me, like the stars trust the sky

to hug them tightly in the vast and dark unknown.

As sure as the tide,

I will come home to you.

Kiss you, like the salt does the sand

to pull it in, little by little, to the deep blue.

As sure as the seasons,

I will change with you.

A chameleon to the colors of your soul,

the beautiful hues that surround you like a halo.

As sure as our love,

the sun will rise,

the stars will shine,

and the waves will ebb,

as sure as each breath,

our souls will blend

when our capsules wither and meet their ends.

my favourite kisses

are those of the sun

peeking through the curtains

as the day has begun

for sometimes they wake me

from dreams of us three

and i can’t tell if it’s the sunlight

or your lips upon my cheek.

This morning I awoke to a stranger. They slept peacefully beside me. But I did not run nor did I panic. I have awaken to this stranger for almost a year now. Perhaps we aren't strangers anymore by that standard but by my own, they still were. I used to wake up after them all the time, now I wake up before them and they bother me five minutes into my morning routine. I let them have the room and the bathroom while I disappear into the kitchen hoping to eat breakfast fast enough that I won't have to run into them when they are done. When they appear before I'm done, I retreat into the office, the only other room where I can escape this stranger.

Everytime they kiss me goodbye or hug me close, I fight the urge to recoil and run back to the office. My saving grace is their late work hours and I get the freedom of being home alone. I remember before...before we were strangers, how I used to anxiously await their return. Now all I have are frantic glances at the clock, hoping they have to stay late. And when they return late, I don't dare ask what they've been doing.

Only a year ago did we become strangers. I still remember like it was yesterday. I stopped by their office. I really really shouldn't have. I had no business there. We'd promised we would not bother each other at work. But I broke the rule. I suffer the consquences. I live like a prisoner at home. Where to run where I can't be found? I knew that if I left I'd only live my life like I live for those few ticking waiting minutes of the day when I know they return. Knowing and waiting. At least in my own home, here alone, I know I am safe.

My only fear here at home is that when the stranger comes back they'll decide I'm not worth keeping around. If only they'd just toss me out. But I knew better than that. If I stayed home, I wouldn't end up in his office.

But this waiting, this fear, is eating me alive. I cannot live with this strange for much longer. If I don't die from my frayed nerves...perhaps I go visit their office again. Break the rule. And let them kill me.

The stranger would smile at me for a moment I'd see the face of my beloved one, before they became this stranger.

They'll say it is a mercy to me, to kill me like they killed all the others. And as I'd lay there, staring at all the blood that came before me, I'd smiled and nod and agree.

"Please, please have mercy on me."

#stranger #marriage #murder #murderer #mystery #suspence #drama #wife #fear #psychological #psychology

Your silence is far too loud.

#relationships #pillowtalk #communication #silence #marriage #15words4a6wordstory #expectations #earplugs #justhit15words