A Holy Mess
The lock on the door that does not keep the children out;
every size of sock, balled up,
scattered everywhere, unpaired;
deep-red, dead roses drooping, heads bowed down,
stems entombed in an opaque vase−−
only eleven--strange;
wood-framed depiction
of a laughing Jesus ( a gift because I always wondered if He did)
beneath a canvas of our names in cursive
inside a heart of petals;
bought for twenty dollars at a yard sale,
end of day, two velvet
violet couches covered
in dog hair,
one doubling as a desk, the other as a hamper;
on the coffee table, another vase, this, tinted pink
holding withered flowers—
these, of a such and such variety but purple
and too many to count.
Plants do not fare well here.
Edges everywhere,
crossed, overlaid: books, furniture, shoes overlapping
the edge where carpet meets tile;
edge of dresser, mantle, nightstands,
all surfaced with papers, trinkets, valuables, and not-so-valuables,
threatening to topple
off. There are no clear lines here.
Sharp-played piano keys
sound out. I cannot tune it out. Not plunking of rote song for memory
but rather impromptu melody played by small fingers, moving
like geed horses
and also bullet-voices marking breaks, shooting through these flimsy walls.
Bluest blue
sky, seen from my window; subtler blues inside: copycat shades on candles, glass,
mane on a portrait where I was favoring experimentation, in photographs,
scarves, sheets;
lip balm in a small, round tin that I can’t open but won’t throw out;
few spots free.
A dismal mess.
Signaling disorder in our marriage? So says a study.
Blanket thrust off the bed, still crumpled on the floor.
What calm I can recall: a ruse believed sub rosa, wrought carefully
with such intricate threads of denial. Words,
words, words,
meandering across pages and pages−−
poems, prayer
journal, notebooks full of distilled hope (such shallow thirst),
attempts to release heavy weight of this;
damaged trust hidden in a drawer; half-truths pandering to sentiment
hanging on all the walls.
Media in vitae in morte sumus. Paperwork combed through for clues;
in bowls, matching rings, unworn; captured
in a photo, enlarged and mocking smile;
the muck of bad luck evidenced in disarray; indulged- in urges;
distinct aroma of your cologne; written rants; and more than what is written here
or even seen.
But, oh, beautiful, imperfect man−−
my room was a mess before you moved in.
#poetry #bedroom #marriage #secrets
8 years shot to hell
I gave it all that I had but it wasn’t enough I married so young and I knew it'd be tough But they don’t teach you the skills to take care of yourself Or that marriage can truly impact on your health The first year started out with a rocky beginning By the end, my pregnancy had both of us grinning The second flew by with some struggles as well We were such happy parents but going through hell We decided to move country to start a new life So we moved to Australia, just to be faced with new strife Our income was low but we loved life and each other By the third year we had started to bag one another Suddenly, there was a side to this man I had not seen He would cuss, get angry and had started to be mean Yes life was stressful and moving at a slow pace But that’s life, and these times you're supposed to embrace Life moves so damn fast and the years fly on by When I look back at the years I just sit there and cry We had such an opportunity, such a big chance And we let it slip by, without even a glance We were just so caught up on the trivial things So we never addressed any of our bad feelings We let them fester until they would explode I would hold in my feelings, god I thought I'd implode You were scary to confront, I feared how you'd react Would you yell or be broody, planning your counterattack You could never take criticism not even from me But you were always telling me how communication is key You want to know what I'm thinking, and why I am so sad But you don’t understand that you've driven me mad One second you're fine, and then the next you're not You switch randomly between freezing and hot So that sums up the fourth year and most of the fifth Have another child they said, don't you know they're a gift? Well I had another but it didn’t do much Except trap me even more in this marriage of such Towards the end of the fifth that’s when all hell broke loose When your mental health crashed from the workplace abuse I pretty much raised our kids alone for that year But I suck as a mum, from you, I did hear The sixth year was intense but I held on through it all I just focused on work and the kids I recall I tried my best to move forward move on with my life I even tried to forget that I was your wife The sixth year passed and now on to the next When I finally picked myself up in the job context I landed the job of my dreams that I worked so hard for But you took that from me, reasons why I'm unsure Were you jealous of me or of all my success Because I lost my job due to you being “depressed” Since then its been harder than I thought life could be I'm surprised that I haven't hung myself from a tree For now I'm in the eighth year of this marriage of mine And all I can do is pretend it is all fine But its not and I'm sad and I want to be dead But I'm scared to place that gun to my head One day it will end but I want you to know That I did all that I could and put on a good show But I can't keep this up and I can't always be strong I'm a drama queen you will say but you couldn't be more wrong.
#fear #marriage #younglove #despair #lifelost #loveslessmarriage #abuse #emotionalabuse
What more can 2021 bring?
I gave it all that I had but it wasn’t enough
I married so young and I knew it’d be tough
But they don’t teach you the skills to take care of yourself
Or that marriage can truly impact on your health
The first year started out with a rocky beginning
By the end, my pregnancy had both of us grinning
The second flew by with some struggles as well
We were such happy parents but going through hell
We decided to move country to start a new life
So we moved to Australia, just to be faced with new strife
Our income was low but we loved life and each other
By the third year we had started to bag one another
Suddenly, there was a side to this man I had not seen
He would cuss, get angry and had started to be mean
Yes life was stressful and moving at a slow pace
But that’s life, and these times you’re supposed to embrace
Life moves so damn fast and the years fly on by
When I look back at the years I just sit there and cry
We had such an opportunity, such a big chance
And we let it slip by, without even a glance
We were just so caught up on the trivial things
So we never addressed any of our bad feelings
We let them fester until they would explode
I would hold in my feelings, god I thought I’d implode
You were scary to confront, I feared how you’d react
Would you yell or be broody, planning your counterattack
You could never take criticism not even from me
But you were always telling me how communication is key
You want to know what I’m thinking, and why I am so sad
But you don’t understand that you’ve driven me mad
One second you’re fine, and then the next you’re not
You switch randomly between freezing and hot
So that sums up the fourth year and most of the fifth
Have another child they said, don’t you know they’re a gift?
Well I had another but it didn’t do much
Except trap me even more in this marriage of such
Towards the end of the fifth that’s when all hell broke loose
When your mental health crashed from the workplace abuse
I pretty much raised our kids alone for that year
But I suck as a mum, from you, I did hear
The sixth year was intense but I held on through it all
I just focused on work and the kids I recall
I tried my best to move forward move on with my life
I even tried to forget that I was your wife
The sixth year passed and now on to the next
When I finally picked myself up in the job context
I landed the job of my dreams that I worked so hard for
But you took that from me, reasons why I’m unsure
Were you jealous of me or of all my success
Because I lost my job due to you being “depressed”
Since then its been harder than I thought life could be
I’m surprised that I haven’t hung myself from a tree
For now I’m in the eighth year of this marriage of mine
And all I can do is pretend it is all fine
But its not and I’m sad and I want to be dead
But I’m scared to place that gun to my head
One day it will end but I want you to know
That I did all that I could and put on a good show
But I can’t keep this up and I can’t always be strong
I’m a drama queen you will say but you couldn’t be more wrong.
#fear #marriage #younglove #despair #lifelost #loveslessmarriage #abuse #emotionalabuse
Draft
It’s 11 pm, Thursday night
Longed for him to stroll into our room.... Instead, not even a fight...
His footsteps approaching from front porch again.
With hopes up, oh sure, how vain, how vain.
He was walking into the kitchen just to refill glass high
The addiction, we’re broken
Only, hi and bye.
Short days without him, Lonely nights alone
while desperately, I ...
Weep in our sheets waiting for my groom
Wanting to hear about his dreams, in bloom.
My eyes shut down, from our needy kids
—->I can barely even see to write this.
The tears from my heart, desperate to be touched.
Asking our 5 year old to massage my legs,
“he’s too busy” & such.
I have slaved all day just keepin’ the littles alive.
& When he gets home, it’s dinner then a dive...
Right in, to CC & La Aroma de Cuba
Hazed, and cloudy I just feel like succuba.
I don’t know where to go.
To sleep I suppose
Maybe in my dreams...
At least, that I chose ...
The Grove
Meet me there
As the sun just passes behind the shadows
Beneath the mists
Of Avalon evergreen
I’ll be wearing robes
Of ivory and cream
With ribbons trailing from my wrists
Matching wreaths upon our heads
Secret vows spilled from tender lips
Made of violets and roses
We join hands
Forever for an eternity
As sure as the sun,
I will be there for you.
Trust me, like the stars trust the sky
to hug them tightly in the vast and dark unknown.
As sure as the tide,
I will come home to you.
Kiss you, like the salt does the sand
to pull it in, little by little, to the deep blue.
As sure as the seasons,
I will change with you.
A chameleon to the colors of your soul,
the beautiful hues that surround you like a halo.
As sure as our love,
the sun will rise,
the stars will shine,
and the waves will ebb,
as sure as each breath,
our souls will blend
when our capsules wither and meet their ends.
“Have Mercy on Me”
This morning I awoke to a stranger. They slept peacefully beside me. But I did not run nor did I panic. I have awaken to this stranger for almost a year now. Perhaps we aren't strangers anymore by that standard but by my own, they still were. I used to wake up after them all the time, now I wake up before them and they bother me five minutes into my morning routine. I let them have the room and the bathroom while I disappear into the kitchen hoping to eat breakfast fast enough that I won't have to run into them when they are done. When they appear before I'm done, I retreat into the office, the only other room where I can escape this stranger.
Everytime they kiss me goodbye or hug me close, I fight the urge to recoil and run back to the office. My saving grace is their late work hours and I get the freedom of being home alone. I remember before...before we were strangers, how I used to anxiously await their return. Now all I have are frantic glances at the clock, hoping they have to stay late. And when they return late, I don't dare ask what they've been doing.
Only a year ago did we become strangers. I still remember like it was yesterday. I stopped by their office. I really really shouldn't have. I had no business there. We'd promised we would not bother each other at work. But I broke the rule. I suffer the consquences. I live like a prisoner at home. Where to run where I can't be found? I knew that if I left I'd only live my life like I live for those few ticking waiting minutes of the day when I know they return. Knowing and waiting. At least in my own home, here alone, I know I am safe.
My only fear here at home is that when the stranger comes back they'll decide I'm not worth keeping around. If only they'd just toss me out. But I knew better than that. If I stayed home, I wouldn't end up in his office.
But this waiting, this fear, is eating me alive. I cannot live with this strange for much longer. If I don't die from my frayed nerves...perhaps I go visit their office again. Break the rule. And let them kill me.
The stranger would smile at me for a moment I'd see the face of my beloved one, before they became this stranger.
They'll say it is a mercy to me, to kill me like they killed all the others. And as I'd lay there, staring at all the blood that came before me, I'd smiled and nod and agree.
"Please, please have mercy on me."
#stranger #marriage #murder #murderer #mystery #suspence #drama #wife #fear #psychological #psychology