no one really reads these anyways so fuck it.

being a sad, oppressed teenager is real fun. but what i wondered to myself the most these days was the reason why i craved more validation the older i got.

all of a sudden i see that everything in this world has value. whether we realise it or not. the girls were typically shy, quiet and better-behaving than the boys. and such behaviour was often rewarded with praise. i’d thought that maybe i was, just another quiet girl that the teachers wouldn’t have to worry about at all.

until a little later, i found myself enjoying talking to my classmates and joking around.

i didn’t know it then, but i started to be more comfortable around people and i forged memorable friendships that were fun while they lasted.

did i mention that i enjoyed hanging around boys?

yeah, i know what that makes me sound like; a playgirl.

but just listen, because there’s an awful lot more than just the uneven gender distrubution within my friend group.

friendships with boys were so simple. no one held grudges and you knew that if you were ever in trouble, they would have your back.

it’s also to note that i am in no way shaming or judging girl cliques, but based on my experiences, i just happened to feel less invisible in a group of guy friends.

from the outside looking in, it might seem as if i’m somehow promiscuous, attention-seeking, et cetera. and to be very honest with you, i don’t believe that people can choose who they are attracted to but they have a say in what they choose to do about it.

it is a choice whether to pour their heart out by confessing their love for another through a mysterious letter, or to acknowledge that something is merely an infatuation.

that’s why i think that being in a friend group, someone is bound to have feelings for another within the group. this is where it gets confusing.

i’ll just say that as an insecure teenage girl, feeling validated and cared for is everything. i can’t tell you how many times i pondered about a negative comment said regarding my physical appearance. pressure to be sought-after comes from the media and it’s impossible to live up to all of the expectations.

so you have no idea how comforting it feels knowing that boy x from your science class says that he thinks you’re pretty. or boy z even confessing to you, saying that he has had a crush on you for months now. because to me, at least, i finally feel validated. of course, i’d be flattered by the things being said by these boys, but whether or not i actually reciprocate these feelings are a different story.

to sum up everything, i just wanted to express how sometimes there's more to a story than what you see on the surface. in my case, i know that it's within me to want to feel appreciated amongst my friends and sometimes it gets me into sticky situations.

but i am learning to love myself, and to not rely on others for a sense of security and happiness.

and i urge you to cherish the people who care about you, and say a couple of nice things once in a while, because to them, like me, it could mean the world.

~h

hey

i decided to be on here because i saw my friend write something that i believed to be meaningful. so why not share my teenage angst on the internet for myself to regret later on? jokes aside, i just want you to listen to me, and you don’t even need to know who i am or who i’m referring to. just listen, and maybe you’d have some sort of takeaway. if not, i’d still very much appreciate you taking the time to read my shitty perspective of the world.

thanks,

-h