questions for dad
i will
crawl back into mom's womb
can you
properly
undo me this time
can you
give me a life worth living if we
start over
dad,
i don't want to live like this anymore i don't want to live, do you want me to live? if we could go back would i still stand here in front of you with tears running down my face? i am wailing can you hear me? can you feel me? did you ever want to?
sorry for being born i wish i didn't have to
apologize for things that
aren't my fault
longing
if we were having coffee
rain would be coating the windowpanes
come back to earth by mac miller
playing in the background
the bed unmade in the room behind us
our warmth lingering there
if we were having coffee
it’d be at 10 in the morning
us shivering in our kitchen
standing shoulder to shoulder as we watch
the keurig brew
i’d lean my head on your shoulder and
you’d lean on me
our silence holding
more meaning than any words would carry
you’d follow me to the table by the window
bringing your bowl of cereal
the rain continuing to pour
if only.
sorry i’ve been gone
writing is a hand that will never
let go of me
that fact is the single most terrifying and
comforting thing i will ever have the
honor of knowing
to be the words that reach you
to be myself in the art i type
a faded song echoing in the bathroom at 4 am
i cannot help but think that this is a
beautiful way to
be
fever dream
i cannot help but circle back to you
like a
(bad habit)
i cannot help but think of you
with my head pounding and
wrists numb
think of you
on me
around me
with me
as i fill up all the empty parts in you and
you do the same for me
i wake up in a cold sweat
running a 112 fever
your goddamn scent stuck in my nose and
my phone running on 5% battery
(i wish i could say this is your fault)
to be her
to the you
five years from now
i will find out if
this body of mine was too small for my ambitions
i send a piece of me into the sky
hoping it will dye it
(breathtakingly)
as other wishes have
endless sunsets before
may i visit places i've never seen before
speak languages not of my native tongue
may i rest when i need it
and have fun in the chaos
to be healthy and happy and comfortable
with endless opportunities before me
may i meet people who will make me fall in love with life
may i be friends with the girl in the reflection
may i make mistakes and learn from them in grace
five years from now;
oh
to be her.
this argument has been brewing for awhile
my mom is sobbing as
my dad threatens that he’ll kill himself
in the room over
the air sharp and cold as it flows through an open window
i think i need a shower
to scrub off all this dirt
to empty my ears and my brain
to scrub off the melanin my skin carries
to erase the history i’m
forced to live through daily
our balanced days were always fragile i guess
tonight, too
he manipulates her like
she wishes she could manipulate him
...
i just usher my siblings in and
shut the door