The pain on my shoulder a constant companion. It grows as I grow, it's ever-demanding. The closer that we get, I'm further from remorse. Now it's costing me a lot, I'm trying to divorce. But she can't leave, she's steering my course.

It's a losing game, focused on achieving change,

That's to even all the scores, let's just keep it plain. Ain't nobody tryna hear "We all bleed the same."

Eye for an eye, I don't mind if we blind. Cuz this current world, it deserve some dark times. Just remember that revenge is not the same as justice. When I get revenge, I never wanted it in public. When we talking self-defense, you wanna change the subject.

Best believe revenge the motive, that's what keep me hustlin'.

#blm

Within these last few weeks, something in me has changed. It’s the kind of change that happens as a response to something. Not the kind of change you set in motion. That makes it ultra scary because you realize you can be changed without your consent. I retrace my steps, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Which decision led me to the place where I got so violated? Why was a change this drastic so necessary?

Somewhere floating in the back of my mind, I know what happened. It’s not just where I went. It’s how comfortable I got there. Something had to happen. Something unforgivably hurtful had to happen or else…I would settle for something that really isn’t good for me. I’d talk myself into thinking that everything is okay. We’re safe. We’re good. I’d fall into the same false sense of security I did before. 

Deep down inside, I know this. I know although it hurt me and disrupted my life, it needed to happen. It’s the paradox of life: I had to be wounded temporarily in order to protect me from something that would inevitably crush me. Somehow, knowing that doesn’t change how I feel. How I feel is, I’ve been gunning for a breakthrough for a very long time. I’ve been building up this faith and this belief that if I have integrity if I work as hard as everyone else (or harder), if I just keep moving forward…I’ll get that breakthrough. And it’s not that I don’t believe it anymore. I do. It’s still apart of me and it drives me to carry out the tasks I have to in order to survive and make progress.

But I now carry with me this experience, this knowing that even when I do my best, I can’t outrun the pain. I can’t outrun the abuse. I can’t outrun the systems that have been constructed to ensure I never have a life worth living. I know there are spirits and energies and a God who has affection for me and empowers me. I also know there are forces that who wish to harm me and steal my future from me. Having firsthand experiences with them, seeing how effective and consistent these forces are makes me feel like there is no point. It makes it so hard to try. And yet I still try. 

The will to continue striving for a better life is buried so deeply in me now that I can’t ignore it. I have to heed its calls. I have to keep trying. But that doesn’t mean I’m not carrying an enormous weight of reality that has hindered me and made this journey even more difficult and less likely to end successfully. I constantly grapple with the fear that although I’m taking the steps and walking the walk to the best of my ability, it will amount to nothing. Because I’m mentally, emotionally and spiritually in a place that so closely resembles…nothing.

How do you continue fighting for anything in a world where it seems like nothing matters or makes a real difference? Where does the motivation come from when everything you thought was the point of it all, is suddenly flipped on its head and you feel like you’re running out of time?

I’m losing touch with my spiritual nature and that scares the shit out of me. Because for so long, it has been what has kept me from giving in to self-harm, suicide, a life of complete disaster. In December of 2019, something in me broke. And I don’t know how to fix it. There’s something still pulling me to connect with the Source we all come from. It’s there and I feel it. It won’t let go of me. There’s also the devastation of my reality pulling at me, forcing me to confront it. It won’t let go of me, either. 

Pouring everything I have into rebuilding spiritually feels disingenuous. Because right now, half of me feels like no matter what I do or how I think or what energy I devote myself to, nothing will ever really change. Thank Goddess for the half of me that still believes a better future is within reach. But this isn’t sustainable. I know that a lot of us live with the cynicism and constant desire to end it all. But just living with it seems like a sure-fire way for me to end up either dead or so dead inside I wind up killing everything I touch.

Each day is a toss-up. I don’t know if I’m going to wind up with my pessimism and distrust front and center or if it will politely hide behind other things I make room for in my brain. I just keep living. The thing is, when those thoughts hide away for a while, they still always show themselves again. 

They’re never really gone. 

Just hiding.

And in a way, so am I.

In a cerebral realm, I saw the damage. I witnessed the agony. I heard the cries of distress. Suddenly it became apparent why she couldn’t explain it.

This was a space that held pieces of her she couldn’t make sense of.

There could be no understanding because no logic, no reason, no amount of explanations could douse the flames of grief, frustration and discomfort.

This was a secret place.

A labyrinth of unfiltered wreckage within her psyche.

This must be The Great Unknown.

I told her that I would protect her.

Spun lovely tales of unconditional love, understanding and security.

But I only lead her to places that looked safe. 

I bring her to people who wear friendly masks and drown their sorrows with dangerous secrets. My journey seems to be a cursed one, and so she suffers. No one else who will ever want her. She has no savior, no mother. 

She is alone. 

She has tried so hard to please us. She has fought so long to become someone worth caring for. She has endured much, and has been damaged beyond repair. The stains never come out of her clothing. Her breath is shallow. The bleeding never stops. 

She faintly smiles as she finally fades out of the labyrinth of distortion. I bitterly weep, as I’ve failed her. Still, I am relieved. Her suffering has ended.

And now she is free.

#life #death #prose

I want a bond that feels light, but goes deep

I wanna link when we know we are complete

I want a boy that’s just like Sincere

and a girl I can trust, respect and revere, I

want a connection that’s not temporary

wanna feel excited bout it, even though it’s scary

wanna take a leap of faith that leads me on to safety

want someone to love me gentle and know how to grace me

amaze me

it’s crazy

how just a few experiences can devour you

consume your essence and kill ya inner child, too

and if you say it out loud, they'll say they never meant to

as if it matters after everything that you done been through

I wanna share this life with someone worthy

and if it takes time, then cool, I aint in no hurry

but don’t leave me here waiting for too long, I’m thirsty

not for company, for love that will nourish me

i wanna drink from the river that flows from above,

takes a route throughout your heart

and waters me with pure intention

I want someone who knows the things that I forget to mention

behind their eyes is a mind that I make my religion

I want the adoration that becomes our own tradition

i want The Ones who were with me when my page was written

I want to help discover different ways that You are gifted

I want to finally see everything that I been missing.

#love #longing #desire #faith

"I want out of social bondage", Lauryn said.

Every day, I struggle to find an answer to that cry.

The same one that lies within me.

I don't have the answer. If I had the answer, would I then be free?

If I knew what to do, could I do it?

If I had to choose between the comforts of this society

and true self-sovereignty, would I choose liberation over monopoly?

"I get out", Lauryn said.

But she didn't tell me how.

Step-by-step, I go nowhere.

I return to myself with frustration

and the crushing weight of my desire to reach the timeline

where we actually take care of one another.

I just want to have something good in this world. Truly good.

Free of exploitation and greed and hate and corruption.

Until the possibility truly exists, I can never be free.

So everyday, I build my faith, carrying the hope & the potential of that possibility.

"Knowing my condition is the reason I must change", Lauryn said.

And so I shed layers of who I am not.

Finding freedom in the moments where I am most authentic.

For I am not searching not for an end in sight.

But a possibility.

I keep trying to conquer sadness. Eliminate fear and doubt. Love away lonliness.

I'm always reminded how big the world is. How little is within my control.

I want to be bigger and stronger than the feelings that make their homes within my experience.

But sometimes I feel so small.

Sometimes children hurt their parents. And parents are supposed to keep on loving them anyway. Because parents brought them here, into this imperfect world. And as a result of the imperfections surrounding them, they themselves become imperfect. Those imperfections become weapons. Some children weaponize their pain. And sometimes they just weaponize what is at their disposal because it is in their nature.

This is the risk of having a family. Sometimes the people you love the most are the most dangerous. And it's your responsibility to brave the danger and keep on loving them anyway.

#parenting

Walking side-by-side, we arrived at a fork in the road. There was a road with your name on it. I took your hand and we traveled it together. We walked for a long time and you emptied out the contents of your mind. Your heart. You told me all of your secrets. Little pebbles that crowded your spirit and suffocated you. You gave them to me. I breathed on to them and turned them into crystals. Then I returned them to you, a beautiful testiment to your pain.

There was a road with my name on it. I took your hand and we traveled it together. We walked for a few minutes in the quiet. I started to speak my truth, stumbling along as I got used to the feeling of being heard. At first, a whisper. It grew stronger with tonal ambition. Then abruptly, you release my hand. Your feet stop moving. I look back at you longingly, hoping you will catch up with me. You stay still, feet planted firmly in the dirt. Then you turn and walk the other way.

I continue walking. My truths become whispers again until they fade back into thoughts, circling my mind. Searching for a safe place for them to find refuge.

I go on walking. Searching for myself. Holding space beside me for the traveler who will desire to walk the distance of my path.

#selfdiscovery #selflove #relationships #love #life #travel

For so long I have watched as we try to perform as gods

Trying to separate ourselves from our humanity

Claiming to love ourselves wholly, but lying

Trying to fix and heal everything

Feeling compelled to feel everything, all of the time

Trying to figure life out instead of living it

Cursing the gap instead of filling it

Building bridges to go back to the same places.

See the same faces.

Shunning Grace, but expecting greatness;

Trying to achieve by our own self-righteous efforts

Slowly unearthing our most precious treasures.

Going the wrong way til we finally know better.

#god #Jesus #faith #life