Now and Then

The wind rocked my car as I prepared to brace myself against the cold and the mentally taxing task before me. I pried open the door and began to warily trek towards the entrance of Crest. The cold makes my eyes sting and water--momentarily wavering the store into Food 4 Less.

"Why don't you grab us a cart?"

"This one?"

"Looks good to me. Hold tight to the list and coupons."

"Got them Dad!"

I pushed the cart up and down each aisle, because I didn't make a list to cheerfully forget and then feel self-righteous at having made one in the first place. This time I simply couldn't be bothered.

"Be sure and grab two 2%s. Joel drinks enough milk for an army."

I noted that the cost of milk was rivaling a month's rent. When did milk get so expensive? Is it laced with gold? Do the dairy cows have a serious coke habit to maintain? I pass down the baking goods aisle and pause at the muffin mix.

"Ooh! Ooh! Blueberry muffins! Let me tell you it doesn't get much better than a hot blueberry muffin with butter on it. Go ahead and get the box. The packet only makes six, but if you spend a little more, you get twice as many muffins."

I put the box muffin mix into my cart--maybe I can tempt him to nibble on a little bit of muffin when he's lucid. I weave up and down aisles--seeing but not seeing. The end of aisle LED lights hurt my eyes as I turn onto the cereal aisle.

"I love my Blueberry Morning and Banana Nut Crunch. I like to add a few slices of fresh banana on top."

"Banana cereal? No thanks, Dad."

"It's good!"

"I'll take your word for it."

What can I make? He doesn't seem to be able to eat anything, but he needs something! Mom needs to eat as well, even though she doesn't feel like it. My chest constricts. I start grabbing random things and put them in the cart.

"Be sure and get Sargento's--we have a coupon."

Sorry Daddy, I don't have a coupon, I whisper to myself as I put the cheese slices in the cart.

"We need the cheese because I feel like grilling tonight. How about a nice cheeseburger? Maybe you and Becky can go pick up a movie at Randy's."

"Yeah! Maybe The Thin Man?"

"Thin Man sounds good, Sugar Bear."

I put on hand sanitizer at the check-out. It must be the cheapest brand on the market, because it's watery texture can only be rivaled by its foul stench. A teenage boy slowly sacks my items.

"You start sacking while I pay--remember, try and group the cold things together and heaviest stuff goes on the bottom. Eggs and bread go on top or get their own sacks."

"Got it!"

"Good job! You're really good at this!"

I thank the sacker anyway. He seems like a nice kid and I knew he'd get a lot better as time went on, as I did. I put the groceries in the trunk in record time and sat breathing heavily in the car. Cranking the defrost, I close my eyes and slowly lean against the headrest.

"Thank you for helping me--let's get these refridgeratables home. I'll turn up the A/C, but let's roll down the windows to let some of this heat out. Then when the air starts blowing cool, we'll roll them back up."

My eyes feel as grainy at the ice on the windshield. I slowly make my way home--dodging what remained of a car as the police lights swam into my vision.

"What would you like for dinner? How's he doing?"

Mom sighed and I could feel her fatigue over the line.

"About the same. He has pretty much slept all day. So, we really don't need anything."

"Are you sure? I have Orange Chicken, I know he likes that."

"He hasn't really eaten anything and he really hasn't asked for food. Why don't you make what you like and stay home. I'd feel better if you were off the road."

"Okay. If Dad wakes up, tell him I love him."

"I will."

"Rachel really helped me at the store, Momma. She figured out a good deal on flour and handled the list and coupons."

My tears feel hot, scorching my face. I wish I could help you now, Daddy.