There are many days after I get the kids off to school that I sit and think about shutting down, turning off, deleting myself. The fact is if you don't own a gun or have access to one , then DEATH will be painful. I Never have been much for pain but still yet days get so bad I think on the subject and as of late, A LOT! I am so tired of fighting. What you may be wondering? The answer is everything, my everything consists of my husband being deported in 2012 and me and my two "littles" moving for what we thought was a few months and where still here six years later and truthfully our government makes it almost impossible to get home legally. Too expensive, like us for example lawyers have depleted our savings, and any other extra money we have managed to scurry up. To make things worse the family member I trusted most did not keep his word, so our home was taken,condemned because so many had broken in, and the family member rarely even checked in on the place. Beautiful historic home that we were remodeling until "the grim reaper" showed up at my door, we were debt free and had managed to pay the house and vehicles off and had made a good business in town, ALL GONE! We have nothing. I cant believe how people acted like vultures, some of my own "stole" A LOT ,including my jewlery in which would have been left to my older girls when I passed, their daddy was wealthy and I had so many beautiful pieces. Then another family member took my antique french doors, and claw foot tub and get this, my windows! It is okay though because you get back what you give out! It is sad really, my American children and myself having to live in a foreign land in order to be a family. Everyone is entitled to their opinions but mine is the government is promoting divorce. So many others in my same position either divorce or come to Mexico and endure " hell on earth." It definately is nothing like the "American Mexico", where you think you have seen the real deal and oh look there is Hardrock, im hungry! Yeah, I had been to that mexico many times in my past, it is a joke! It is strange that we are the Americans and because of whom we love our government punishes their very own. Violating our basic rights is their first punch then the expenses of legal fees, and endless peperwork and worry. That is not life, liberty or pursuit of happiness. Think about it, the person sent back is not suffering its their native land. I get the cases where some "nut job" comes from abroad and rapes or kills but my husband did nothing but have a bit of "mary" 25 years ago, and was illegally in the USA. He had more years living in usa than Mexico but still coming back was not easy for him but he knows the culture, language and has family. As of now I am isolated because I dont know spanish that well and my car was taken over when my husbands broke. I am at the point I usually go out on sunday and every other day I work my butt off. "Mexican Maid my a**"! I Wash by hand \ take" whore bathes" you know from a bucket, heat all the water on the stove, I MEAN IT IS HARSH. When I got involved with my husband my family disowned me for him being Mexican. It is the truth, but that is how most of south Arkansas thinks. So going back to live would not be in my FAVOR. It was like I went from great girl reputation to leaper over night, and lets be truthful all of the "south" thinks that white women who get involved with hispanics are fat, ugly, poor, low self- esteem, can't do better, like a mexican is their only hope and they are known as " trash" forever on. I remember being and thinking like that "awe, poor girl" would go through my mind. Karma is a B**** because I became one and DID NOT CARE, I LOVED HIM! Why because for the first time I saw a person and not a color! My other heart ache and I mean that LITERALLY is my girls from my first marriage are home, along with my BEAUTIFUL grandbaby. We all miss one another terribly and when I go home to visit it takes me months to recover from missing my beauties. If it were not for my relationship with Jesus I would have been gone already. No friends ,family, food, money, NO HOPE AT TIMES! When I do visit home I have to ask GOD to keep my mouth shut because everyone is fat, and so spoiled, if they would give up one trip out to eat, just a quick spin through McDonald's less, just one day a week, that person could help so many, but no! I am telling ya'll I have been their in that same "old stinkin thinkin" where you don't think your selffish but you are! Even the poor at home are rich compared to some families here. The fact is it is like any situation if it does not personally affect you and yours then, you say I hate that, I will pray, but then go right down to red lobster or an expensive restaurant once a week, never thinking that one meal could be a persons income for a month here. " YA, Just Don't know unless you LIVE it! " So Im good now and soapboxed out! So I Say this about our situation, Today I am talking to you all so I WILL BE FREE FROM THOUGHT FOR A BIT! But I am certain I will be thinking hang myself on the orange tree or eat the poison berries i

n a few days, immigration! hA! This is what immigration is good for, and nothing more.