“He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.”

--Adolf Hitler

I know a guy who has a dog. He says his dog is trans. Seriously. He's been in the tree business for a long time. He's not a landscaper... he's an arborist. I've known this guy and his dog since said dog was a puppy. The dog has a penis. Boy dog. Arborist, however, gets angry if you don't accept that his penis-toting dog is a girl.

I heard, recently, a man made an observation, roughly saying: If you're 18 and you think you're actually a member of the opposite sex, you have a mental illness; while, if you're 8 and you think you're a member of the opposite sex, your mother has a mental illness.

Let's talk about dogs, in comparison to cats, in their relationship to people. Cats are, for lack of a better word, lame. Dogs, however, are cool. When you come home to a dog, the dog greets you at the door, thrilled to see you, ready for camaraderie, eager to please. When you come home to a cat, you wonder if the cat is even there. At best, the cat looks to see who opened the door, but keeps its distance as apathy and distrust both outweigh curiosity. The simplest thing, calling your pet by name, should elicit an act of loyalty... like, showing up. Dogs will come when called; cats may or may not care that you're speaking at all.

Dogs are easily trained, even by lay people, to perform simple tricks. Patient dog owners can teach them more advanced tricks. Cats are also easily trained--they can sit, roll over, play dead... oh who am I kidding? I can't even type this with a straight face. You need the patience of Job and a blow gun to get a cat to learn it's not allowed on the kitchen counter.

With dogs, playtime is anytime. Fetch, run full-speed with no apparent goal, learn new tricks, go for a walk... anything that involves wagging a tail, dog is ready. Cats are bit less playful--their playtime is really just practicing at killing something for fun and leaving its corpse behind for someone else to deal with.

Dogs are great protectors. If someone strange approaches your home, the dog will let everyone, including the stranger, know that something is amiss. If overseen by a cat, the house is fair game. The cat will likely stow itself away under a bed, and this hiding space will commonly be used whenever a stranger comes near, or if friend drops by, or a neighbor, or someone who also lives in the house.

Dogs are used in police work, search and rescue, handicap assistance, and in multiple government agencies including those countering drug smugglers and human traffickers. A cat will climb a tree, then find it's too scared to climb back down the same tree.

I know, you're thinking these comparisons aren't totally accurate. There are instances where cats have attacked people or animals who threatened a family member. Some cats can do wonderful tricks. Some greet their people at the door when they come home. On the flip side, some dogs are useless as guardians. Some dogs hide when people visit. Some little inbred Chihuahuas will bark at someone they've lived with literally their entire life. These exceptions prove the rule. A cat that comes when you call it by name... cool cat. A dog that does not come when called... lame dog. A cat that does tricks... cool cat. A dog that does not do tricks... lame dog.

In short, the coolest cats are the most like dogs; and the lamest dogs are the most like cats. They each have their idiosyncrasies. They are so common within their respective species that they are well-known to pet owners everywhere--not set in stone, just common traits. We love them regardless of their individual traits. We accept them for what they are, even if they suck and don't come when we call.

What's the difference between similes and metaphors? What little kid, at play in a swimming pool, would shout out using the simile, "I'm like a shark!" when he or she plays as such? Wouldn't happen. It would always be the metaphor, "I'm a shark!" Most people recognize that, regardless of the confusing metaphor, the child isn't actually a shark. Some people, however, are confused by metaphors--they think the child truly believes the shark thing. They think it's cute and encourage the child to be a shark all the time if that's what they want. Others may be convinced that the child actually is a shark trapped in a human child's body--the result of a rare mistake made by God. In unique cases, the parents of a child, with extraordinary swimming skills, will have fins surgically grafted onto the child's body (because that is the only logical thing to do) and demand that everyone who does not acknowledge the child as actually being a shark is guilty of some sort of hate crime.

Some people see gender roles and demand that they mean absolutely nothing. They believe that stereotypical activities associated with gender shouldn't even exist in the minds of contemporary human parents. They insist that physical appearances are the least reliable means of determining sex. Those same people will then witness a little boy playing with dolls and pour every ounce of energy into transforming that boy, mentally and physically, into someone who looks and acts like a girl, contradicting everything they hold to be true about appearances and gender roles.

There is an awesome and unique beauty in finding a cat that acts like a dog, but no matter how much it acts like a dog, it will never, ever... ever, ever, ever... be a dog. We do not need to graft dog features onto an awesome cat just because it satisfies our need to have something that acts like a dog also look like a dog. Let's just accept that some cats act like dogs, without demanding that those cats actually are dogs stuck in cats' bodies and we have to surgically alter them in order to satisfy our desire to have things fit into the categories we despise.

The arbolist doesn't do work for us anymore. Why? Because we refuse to play his ridiculous game with his male dog, and he won't do business with anyone who doesn't accept his fantasy as reality. He was mad. He said he doesn't understand why people won't accept "her" for what she is.

"This is hypocrisy of the highest order. Why should eight billion people in the entire world be forced to change their hearts, to accept your false reality, when you, alone, couldn't even bend to accept true reality?"

It may be the single most dangerous attitude to have ever been instilled into the minds of a generation: "And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart." --Songwriters: Warren Felder / Andrew Wansel / Coleridge Tillman / Alessia Caracciolo