i hear they say obedience is all the rage these days

i'm sorry you're upset

i will say that over and over again until i have no voice left to say it. until my lungs are empty and i can no longer muster enough air to choke it out one more time.

i'm sorry you're upset.

but you know what i will not say?

"im sorry for saying that"

"i never should've said it"

"i take it all back"

because those words aren't me but somehow managed to find their way into my default phrases and i'm tired and i mean so tired of having to apologize for sharing my feelings.

she didn't have to apologize when she broke my heart and told me the whole time i was working so hard to keep us from sinking that she was too busy loving someone else so why must i apologize for telling her how it affected me?

it's only fair isn't it?

last time i checked conversations were two-sided.

as were friendships.

because for so long i had it engrained into my mind that i was only a shoulder to cry on and was not there to offer feelings, thoughts, or any words that weren't "i'm sorry" or "i love you."

it was like i was some sort of doll.

you pull a string and i spit out a pre-recorded comforting phrase telling you that everything is going to be okay.

but where is my voice animated doll telling me that i'm going to be okay because i swear i'm convinced that i'm not.

i've been trained into keeping my mouth shut like some sort of puppy.

i share my feelings, she cries.

i share my feelings, she starts yelling at me.

i share my feelings, she loads me with guilt and fear

until i am paralyzed and have nothing to do to relieve the pain except say "i'm sorry" i refuse to be that person again, refuse to relive that piece of agony.

so, i'm sorry you're upset.