Putting Them First

I don't think my friends fully know because I don't fully show it but they are what keep me alive.On multiple occasion i've thought of ending it all.I recall one time when I was holding the knife to myself ready to commit but I didn't because I had a goal.All I wanted in my life was for my friends to be happy and healthy.I know that my friends are not happy so I do what's in my power to successfully cheer them up.Multiple times I fail to do such because my own problems get in the way and change my behavior and attitude.When I fail to make someone happy and do the opposite I go home and cry.I act like it doesn't affect me but to see the face of one I care for be so sad really breaks my heart.It's my goal to put my friends first.They are my number one.They are my family.I put their happiness first.I could care less if I have suicidal thoughts.I could care less if I go home and cry myself to sleep everyday.I just care that my friends don't feel the same.My friends keep me alive so I try my best to keep them alive as well.