Holy Hell in a Hand Basket

Dear Diary,

Helloooo old friend, it's been a while. Mom was too "disturbed" by my entries so she stopped forcing me to write. Sorry. But OH MY GOD, guess the fuck what?

Okay, so this morning, I hear a noise. It woke me up, right? And it's like "garble garble garble" like some kind of demented turkey or something, right? It's coming from the hallway, and so I open my door to see because I figure it's just Cody being a jackass again, and I was going to shove my foot up his ass, but NOPE.

It was Mom. And she was chowing the fuck down on Dad's face. Like literally, on her hands and knees like an animal, eating his nose. And I was like, "Mom?" And she was like, "ehhhh." And I was like, "Jesus Christ!!!!!"

So, I slammed my door, and I was like, "what the fu-----?" And then mom starts making that weird "ehhhh" sound, you know, and trying to scratch her way in.

Diary, I have been waiting for this day since I was like five years old. Not just Mom killing Dad, but it's A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.

Seriously! I'm totally serious.

So anyway, I was like, "this is AMAZEBALLS, but what the hell am I going to do?" And then I thought, 'okay, I will trap her in the bathroom and go to the attic.' But it didn't really work, so I hit her over the head with my softball bat. I grabbed it just in case. It wasn't THAT hard, but I had to hit her like five times before she fell down. She was like, reaching in the air like an infant like, "ooooghhh," and I just rammed it into her forehead. It was so funny.

And dad was totes dead, but pretty sure he'd come back to life, so I bashed his head in, too. To be safe.

Cody, man. That little fucker started it. I bet it was the vaccines he got yesterday or maybe he caught it at daycare or something, I dunno. But mom had left him in his crib, and there was blood EVERYWHERE, like all over the rocking chair cushions and the side of his crib and all over his face. He must have gnawed the crap out of Mom's boob. I totally told her it was weird as shit to be breastfeeding a three-year-old, but she didn't listen.

He was just in there like, "argghhh, ehhh, garble." It was HILARIOUS, dude. Just stuck in there like an idiot. I went ahead and smashed him up, too, to be careful, because he started climbing out last week and I couldn't chance it.

So anyway, we have all this furniture and shit up here in the attic. I grabbed some Cheetos and you and I figured I would write about this as it goes along, because this is going to make an awesome novel, and when this crap is over, I'm gonna be famous for living through it.

I mean, I don't know if there are more, but I assume there are. I hear sirens and stuff like that. I've got the door locked, when it quiets down I'll go grab some more food, but OH MY GOD! Yes!!!

I think I'm going to find a motorcycle or something cool as balls like that. I will look so f'in hot on a bike! Ahhh! I'm so excited!!

Okay, I'm gonna go now. Think Dad keeps his old bow up here and some fishing stuff and shit, so I better gear up. I will be a BAD ASS MUTHA. Yeah. So f'n PUMPED!!

K, see ya later!! Toodaloodelies!!!!

Love Always,

Kaycie