I Can Explain

"I know what this looks like but, really, if you let me explain, it will make perfect sense!" I tried to keep my voice light and jolly while the cop pulled a twin pack of frozen Cornish game hens out of my yoga pants.

"Ya see, officer...," I craned my neck around, trying to read his badge, "Officer Wobnitz...yesterday I fell down my front steps on my way to the gym. It hurt like a mother, ya know what I mean? So I called my trainer and asked him what to do. He said to ice it, 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off."

Officer Wobnitz, who had me pinned up against my car while cuffing me, spun me around like a tiny top. He glared down at me. "Twenty minutes," he grunted, "and..."

Good, he was willing to listen.

I continued my defense, "And so, I iced it as per Buck's instructions, and it started to feel much better...good enough, in fact, that I was able to come here to the Grocery Grabb. But I guess I really should have laid low another day or two, because as I was leaning over the frozen poultry case just now, my lower back seized up again. The closest thing to me were the game hens, which were ideal actually because there are two in the package and they fit perfectly up against the back of my hips. Know what I mean? They felt so good, and my back felt so much better..."

"Is this the part of the story where you tell me you forgot you had two chickens shoved in your pants because, if you did, you would have put them back before leaving the store?" His tone had that 'already heard this one, lady' kind of quality to it.

"Oh no!" I gasped. "Put them back? Oh gosh no! That would be gross! I was going to pay for them. I mean...c'mon, would anyone in their right mind think they could walk out of a store looking like that? Who's butt is that lumpy?" I then said a silent prayer that Mrs. Officer Wobnitz had a lovely peach-shaped derriere and that I hadn't said anything to offend.

It was hard to tell, but I thought I saw the corners of his mouth turn up just a smidgen, so I went in for my summation:

"So, Officer Wobnitz, what's it gonna be? You going to believe me, or your own two eyes?"