Because, it would either be for:

A) being a real life Robin Hood

B) starting protests against the government

C) getting into a fight with some stupid celebrity who gets away with everything because they are famous

D) or just being an ultra smart spy who uses their prowess to blackmail crooked people to do the right thing

"I know what this looks like but, really, if you let me explain, it will make perfect sense!" I tried to keep my voice light and jolly while the cop pulled a twin pack of frozen Cornish game hens out of my yoga pants.

"Ya see, officer...," I craned my neck around, trying to read his badge, "Officer Wobnitz...yesterday I fell down my front steps on my way to the gym. It hurt like a mother, ya know what I mean? So I called my trainer and asked him what to do. He said to ice it, 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off."

Officer Wobnitz, who had me pinned up against my car while cuffing me, spun me around like a tiny top. He glared down at me. "Twenty minutes," he grunted, "and..."

Good, he was willing to listen.

I continued my defense, "And so, I iced it as per Buck's instructions, and it started to feel much better...good enough, in fact, that I was able to come here to the Grocery Grabb. But I guess I really should have laid low another day or two, because as I was leaning over the frozen poultry case just now, my lower back seized up again. The closest thing to me were the game hens, which were ideal actually because there are two in the package and they fit perfectly up against the back of my hips. Know what I mean? They felt so good, and my back felt so much better..."

"Is this the part of the story where you tell me you forgot you had two chickens shoved in your pants because, if you did, you would have put them back before leaving the store?" His tone had that 'already heard this one, lady' kind of quality to it.

"Oh no!" I gasped. "Put them back? Oh gosh no! That would be gross! I was going to pay for them. I mean...c'mon, would anyone in their right mind think they could walk out of a store looking like that? Who's butt is that lumpy?" I then said a silent prayer that Mrs. Officer Wobnitz had a lovely peach-shaped derriere and that I hadn't said anything to offend.

It was hard to tell, but I thought I saw the corners of his mouth turn up just a smidgen, so I went in for my summation:

"So, Officer Wobnitz, what's it gonna be? You going to believe me, or your own two eyes?"

We got the phone call at five in the morning.

An anonymous former student had made a bomb threat, and school wasn't cancelled but students were not allowed to bring backpacks into the building, or they'd be subject to search.

My older sister was a sophomore and I was a freshman, and we decided to NOT take the bus; instead, we went to Dunkin Donuts and bought two dozen, because the line outside the building just to get in was clogged by half-asleep kids, frantic teachers, and really angry-looking cops.

Really. Angry. Looking. Cops.

So we waited in line for about an hour when we finally got inside the building. I was headed to my locker when the notoriously annoying security guard and his new friend, Officer Pissy, stepped right in front of me, almost making me drop my books and my box of donuts. I look up to see two middle-aged men eyeballing me, and demanding to know-

"What's in the box, young lady?!"

I looked down at the box, because they'd startled me so bad I forgot what was in it. I looked at the DD logo on the front, remembering, and wondering why they were even asking me in the first place. I was tired, I was hungry, but most of all, I was a naïve and sarcastic freshman. And in that moment, I said five words that I really should have known better than to say to a REALLY UPSET POLICEMAN ON A MONDAY MORNING:

"They're donuts. Want one, Officer?"

I was only parked outside the damn store for one minute.

I go inside, I buy a newspaper and some gum, I step out and there's this orang-utan giving me a ticket for illegal parking!

So I say 'Hey man I been in the shop less than a minute and your slamming a ticket on me - where am I supposed to park'

And he gives me this look you know, the look of authority, and he says 'This is for deliveries only'.

I look at the guy, he's stood there like fucking Hitler man, so I says "Well fuck you, you fucking fuck!"

The next thing I know there's this ape of a cop standing over me as tall as Liberty and he's telling me to calm down.

Calm fucking down? Me? I don't have a problem here, so I told him he was a fucking ape, then he slammed me into his cruiser and I'm like "The Fuck man? What did I do?" And the fucking Orang-Utan is leering at me through the glass. Fuck!

If I'd be arrested, it'd be because I was growing too influential over people. The cops would know it, and the government would send someone to go after and stop me before I overpower them. They would be cowards, and I would stand proudly beside a house made of marble, each neighbor screaming my name as I walked down the street to my gate.

Or it'd be because I became the next wonder woman, no one being able to stop me! Hahaha!

Or I would get arrested for being a successful international spy working for an enemy! *gasp*! But everyone would remember my name, even while I lay behind bars of steel.

I've always been scared

At airports.

I get nervous and jumpy

I know that they watch.

I don't know why I'm nervous,

It kills me.

They probably think

I'm on some terror watch.

Arresting officer: Look, I know that the first amendment gives you the freedom to say anything you want about the government as long as it isn't treason, but the president is a very busy individual and doesn't have time to be yelled at by a visiting students for half an hour about how (s)he is failing to properly run this country. It's also not the best idea to call the person who makes the executive decisions in the country a- I'm sorry what was it you said?

Me: I said "an over-inflated, self-centered ego attached to a puppet controlled by other self-centered ego maniacs completely driven by money and making sure the other side doesn't win, and a slave to fascist capitalism."

Officer: ...