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Written by Miggie

pressure.

pain.

hunched over and tightly held,

protecting an insecure core.

Disappointment and fatigue

underly a feigned smile

Getting too tired 

to continue dreaming.

dissociation

separation

I am not myself.

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Written by Miggie
pressure.
pain.
hunched over and tightly held,
protecting an insecure core.
Disappointment and fatigue
underly a feigned smile
Getting too tired 
to continue dreaming.
dissociation
separation
I am not myself.

#poetry 
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Written by Miggie

Cowardice

Silence in the face of prejudice makes you complicit in the action.

I am a coward.

The new Beauty & the Beast movie that just came out features an openly gay character-lovely LeFou. It's been long speculated that he was gay, but I guess there's a scene where it's blatantly obvious. I mean, it's fuckin great. Of course, not everyone thinks it is.

A woman walked into the office this afternoon and declared, "Whatever you do, do NOT see the new Beauty and the Beast movie. Just don't. Don't take your kids to see it."

I immediately knew what she was referring to. I joined the chorus of "Why not?"'s. 

She said ominously, "The movement has started." She stared at us with hard, wide open eyes; it was as if she were trying to beam her thoughts to us so she didn't have to speak them. It was quite for a moment, and one of my coworkers said, "What do you mean?"

She kept her eyes wide and looked at us intensely. "There's a scene where one of the characters...". She then gestured with her hand and made her wrist go limp.

I think most of us were surprised at her horror; we sat in silence. She mouthed, "Homosexuality"; it was a topic so dirty to her that she didn't dare use her voicebox to talk about it. A couple coworkers just said, "Ooooh," and continued to type their way through the day. 

One coworker came out of her office to engage. She leaned on a counter with her face on her hand and shook her head. "It's a shame."

"I mean, it's a kid's movie! It's not that I can't stand those people. I have someone in my family with that, and I have someone in my family who is transgender. I love them dearly. But some things should stay sacred! Kids' movies should be sacred!"  She said with that as if it were a disease.

"Nothing is sacred anymore," the other coworker spat. 

The conversation died. 

I wanted to say so many things, and ask even more. Why can't kids know about homosexuality? Is that an adult topic? Do you think kids who have crushes on other kids never crush on a child that is the same gender? How do you love someone so dearly but speak of their sexuality as if it is a condition, a disease, an illness? You don't think that bringing it up to younger kids will make those who might be homosexual feel less alone? Or do you think it encourages homosexuality? If it does, then wouldn't heterosexual relationships on movies and TV we see encourage heterosexuality? How much are you fighting those other causes, or is homosexuality a special cause for you?

I don't expect answers that I'm willing to accept. They're usually tied to religion and the perceived wrongness or deviance of homosexuality. I just like to force people to explain their prejudice and biases.

I will question you into the ground.

But I was tired. I get tired of speaking up when people say stupid shit. 

But that is my hetero-privilege. I'm never scared to publically display affection to my husband. I never worry about our marriage suddenly being delegitimized because the wrong man was voted into office. If I get tired of fighting, I can look away and pretend the conversation never happened.

I will do better next time.

*Image from http://www.avclub.com/article/beauty-and-beast-will-be-first-disney-movie-featur-251283 

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Written by Miggie
Cowardice
Silence in the face of prejudice makes you complicit in the action.

I am a coward.

The new Beauty & the Beast movie that just came out features an openly gay character-lovely LeFou. It's been long speculated that he was gay, but I guess there's a scene where it's blatantly obvious. I mean, it's fuckin great. Of course, not everyone thinks it is.

A woman walked into the office this afternoon and declared, "Whatever you do, do NOT see the new Beauty and the Beast movie. Just don't. Don't take your kids to see it."

I immediately knew what she was referring to. I joined the chorus of "Why not?"'s. 

She said ominously, "The movement has started." She stared at us with hard, wide open eyes; it was as if she were trying to beam her thoughts to us so she didn't have to speak them. It was quite for a moment, and one of my coworkers said, "What do you mean?"

She kept her eyes wide and looked at us intensely. "There's a scene where one of the characters...". She then gestured with her hand and made her wrist go limp.

I think most of us were surprised at her horror; we sat in silence. She mouthed, "Homosexuality"; it was a topic so dirty to her that she didn't dare use her voicebox to talk about it. A couple coworkers just said, "Ooooh," and continued to type their way through the day. 

One coworker came out of her office to engage. She leaned on a counter with her face on her hand and shook her head. "It's a shame."

"I mean, it's a kid's movie! It's not that I can't stand those people. I have someone in my family with that, and I have someone in my family who is transgender. I love them dearly. But some things should stay sacred! Kids' movies should be sacred!"  She said with that as if it were a disease.

"Nothing is sacred anymore," the other coworker spat. 

The conversation died. 

I wanted to say so many things, and ask even more. Why can't kids know about homosexuality? Is that an adult topic? Do you think kids who have crushes on other kids never crush on a child that is the same gender? How do you love someone so dearly but speak of their sexuality as if it is a condition, a disease, an illness? You don't think that bringing it up to younger kids will make those who might be homosexual feel less alone? Or do you think it encourages homosexuality? If it does, then wouldn't heterosexual relationships on movies and TV we see encourage heterosexuality? How much are you fighting those other causes, or is homosexuality a special cause for you?

I don't expect answers that I'm willing to accept. They're usually tied to religion and the perceived wrongness or deviance of homosexuality. I just like to force people to explain their prejudice and biases.

I will question you into the ground.

But I was tired. I get tired of speaking up when people say stupid shit. 

But that is my hetero-privilege. I'm never scared to publically display affection to my husband. I never worry about our marriage suddenly being delegitimized because the wrong man was voted into office. If I get tired of fighting, I can look away and pretend the conversation never happened.

I will do better next time.

*Image from http://www.avclub.com/article/beauty-and-beast-will-be-first-disney-movie-featur-251283 
#nonfiction 
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Written by Miggie

Young and maybe naive.

How often do you read old writings? How do they make you feel?

My older writings are cringeworthy. I regularly feel shame, sadness and anger. I've always been hard on myself; it's reflected in my writing. What I was surprised to see is how hopeful I sounded.

Here is something I found; it was probably around 2008-2009.

"I almost went back to school to get my MBA because that is the logical career choice that has been mapped out by the road that I'm on. I was able to save myself from reason, and make my own map based on what I've always wanted. I've always wanted to save the world. I've decided that I want to save people. I have been lucky enough to have a solid foundation, and even if I've gotten stuck in a certain set of circumstances, I've been able to save myself.

I feel that I've been put here to help others succeed. In all my jobs, in everything I do in my life, I put others first. Although that can be a personal flaw, that is the same trait that is necessary in working in Human Services. Although I don't have a lot of job experience, I have what it takes. I have the compassion, the strength, and the drive to make it back into social work. All I need is to continue my education to get there."

Um. Who was the intended audience? Did I view my blog as a resume? Who was I trying to impress?

Save?? I actually used the word "save" in dealing with other people? I have to allow myself growth, I know. Growth means making mistakes and being stupid. This is so stupid that it enrages me. Girl, shut up and stop being a martyr. Your mental health decline was nowhere near worth the effort. Stop getting your worth from other people. 

It's nice to be needed. It's nice to be appreciated. But Godammit, appreciate yourself and stop needing others to appreciate you.

Life has beaten the shit out of you. Put on your oxygen mask first.

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Written by Miggie
Young and maybe naive.
How often do you read old writings? How do they make you feel?

My older writings are cringeworthy. I regularly feel shame, sadness and anger. I've always been hard on myself; it's reflected in my writing. What I was surprised to see is how hopeful I sounded.

Here is something I found; it was probably around 2008-2009.

"I almost went back to school to get my MBA because that is the logical career choice that has been mapped out by the road that I'm on. I was able to save myself from reason, and make my own map based on what I've always wanted. I've always wanted to save the world. I've decided that I want to save people. I have been lucky enough to have a solid foundation, and even if I've gotten stuck in a certain set of circumstances, I've been able to save myself.

I feel that I've been put here to help others succeed. In all my jobs, in everything I do in my life, I put others first. Although that can be a personal flaw, that is the same trait that is necessary in working in Human Services. Although I don't have a lot of job experience, I have what it takes. I have the compassion, the strength, and the drive to make it back into social work. All I need is to continue my education to get there."


Um. Who was the intended audience? Did I view my blog as a resume? Who was I trying to impress?

Save?? I actually used the word "save" in dealing with other people? I have to allow myself growth, I know. Growth means making mistakes and being stupid. This is so stupid that it enrages me. Girl, shut up and stop being a martyr. Your mental health decline was nowhere near worth the effort. Stop getting your worth from other people. 

It's nice to be needed. It's nice to be appreciated. But Godammit, appreciate yourself and stop needing others to appreciate you.

Life has beaten the shit out of you. Put on your oxygen mask first.
#nonfiction 
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Written by Miggie

Distortion.

I miss being able to write.

I miss the warmth that comes from

the creative juices

running through my body

as the keys click under my fingertips.

I force my mind to take a turn,

but the barricades send me on a detour

sending me on a ride full of reflection-

navigating a minefield

I've already been through.

Monochromatic and dusty;

I play in the silence

revel in the isolation

until I trip over a trigger

that brings on en emotional explosion.

THIS is why I stopped writing.

Opening a door to a funhouse

is how I enter a mindspace

of the cliched darkness and anger

I live my life trying to escape from.

viewing myself as a monster

a freak

unworthy

A warped image of me.

Fighting for self love

while trying to flee the images

too afraid to look at myself too closely.

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Written by Miggie
Distortion.
I miss being able to write.
I miss the warmth that comes from
the creative juices
running through my body
as the keys click under my fingertips.
I force my mind to take a turn,
but the barricades send me on a detour
sending me on a ride full of reflection-
navigating a minefield
I've already been through.
Monochromatic and dusty;
I play in the silence
revel in the isolation
until I trip over a trigger
that brings on en emotional explosion.
THIS is why I stopped writing.
Opening a door to a funhouse
is how I enter a mindspace
of the cliched darkness and anger
I live my life trying to escape from.
viewing myself as a monster
a freak
unworthy
A warped image of me.
Fighting for self love
while trying to flee the images
too afraid to look at myself too closely.


#nonfiction  #poetry 
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Written by Miggie in portal Poetry & Free Verse

My bootstraps broke.

I wish I could walk

out of my life the way others

have walked out of it.

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Written by Miggie in portal Poetry & Free Verse
My bootstraps broke.
I wish I could walk
out of my life the way others
have walked out of it.
#poetry  #haiku 
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Written by Miggie in portal Poetry & Free Verse

ghosts are scary because they are remnants of the past you either want to forget or are dying to get back.

I'm choking on the

blood, sweat, and tears I've wasted

drifting through this life.

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Written by Miggie in portal Poetry & Free Verse
ghosts are scary because they are remnants of the past you either want to forget or are dying to get back.
I'm choking on the
blood, sweat, and tears I've wasted
drifting through this life.
#poetry  #haiku 
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Written by Miggie

Incognito

Cloaked in the privacy

Of darkness

Is where I feel free

Protected from the

Judging eyes of others;

Comforted by the shadows

Because I'm just a shadow

Of who I used to be

And who I aspired to become.

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Written by Miggie
Incognito
Cloaked in the privacy
Of darkness
Is where I feel free
Protected from the
Judging eyes of others;
Comforted by the shadows
Because I'm just a shadow
Of who I used to be
And who I aspired to become.
18
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Written by Miggie

vulnerable

He asked me to stay

for just one drink.

I smiled

as he took my hand.

Little did he know,

I was willing to stay

'til last call.

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Written by Miggie
vulnerable
He asked me to stay
for just one drink.
I smiled
as he took my hand.
Little did he know,
I was willing to stay
'til last call.
#poetry  #poem  #micropoetry 
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Written by Miggie in portal Poetry & Free Verse

spiraling.

Right now, I want to

be nowhere. I'm hiding in

my nonexistence.

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Written by Miggie in portal Poetry & Free Verse
spiraling.
Right now, I want to
be nowhere. I'm hiding in
my nonexistence.
#haiku 
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Written by Miggie

nighttime.

My tears taste like a

Mix of Hennessy and coke

Soaking my pillow.

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Written by Miggie
nighttime.
My tears taste like a
Mix of Hennessy and coke
Soaking my pillow.
#haiku 
12
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