Young and maybe naive.

How often do you read old writings? How do they make you feel?

My older writings are cringeworthy. I regularly feel shame, sadness and anger. I've always been hard on myself; it's reflected in my writing. What I was surprised to see is how hopeful I sounded.

Here is something I found; it was probably around 2008-2009.

"I almost went back to school to get my MBA because that is the logical career choice that has been mapped out by the road that I'm on. I was able to save myself from reason, and make my own map based on what I've always wanted. I've always wanted to save the world. I've decided that I want to save people. I have been lucky enough to have a solid foundation, and even if I've gotten stuck in a certain set of circumstances, I've been able to save myself.

I feel that I've been put here to help others succeed. In all my jobs, in everything I do in my life, I put others first. Although that can be a personal flaw, that is the same trait that is necessary in working in Human Services. Although I don't have a lot of job experience, I have what it takes. I have the compassion, the strength, and the drive to make it back into social work. All I need is to continue my education to get there."

Um. Who was the intended audience? Did I view my blog as a resume? Who was I trying to impress?

Save?? I actually used the word "save" in dealing with other people? I have to allow myself growth, I know. Growth means making mistakes and being stupid. This is so stupid that it enrages me. Girl, shut up and stop being a martyr. Your mental health decline was nowhere near worth the effort. Stop getting your worth from other people. 

It's nice to be needed. It's nice to be appreciated. But Godammit, appreciate yourself and stop needing others to appreciate you.

Life has beaten the shit out of you. Put on your oxygen mask first.