Unlearning

Philosophy used to be my favorite class. It was the only time in my undergraduate career that I utilized the TA’s office hours. We talked at length about my papers and the questions that swirled in my head. I was always especially taken by questions about identify and questions about the benefit of believing in God.

That time in my life was new and crisp, like blank pages in a new journal. I was on a new journey and had so much to learn, so much to offer.

Things have changed. Nothing irritates me more than questions with multiple or no answers. I struggle with questions and doubts about doing the right thing, and about fighting against what I’ve been taught so that I can live the life I want. Our parents do the best they can with what they know (well, mine did, anyway) but it has left me damaged goods. We’re all damaged, I guess. Who the fuck knows how to raise kids, anyway? Who knows how to be an adult, for that matter? I remember being in high school and looking at those 30 and older as wise adults I could look to for advice.

If a kid were to come to me for advice, I’d advise him never to do so again.

None of us know what the hell we’re doing, yet we judge others for not knowing either. If someone takes a chance, a leap of faith, and becomes famous or rich, they are adored. If someone takes a chance and fails, many will scoff at his immaturity and impulse. Why leave something secure for the unknown, even if the risk has a change of a huge investment? Also, dreams are cute when you’re 18, but if you’re 30 and still dreaming, than everyone tells you to get back to reality. Why? I didn’t know dreams expired. Langston Hughes asked, “what happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?” I think it does. We hit a certain age where we thought we’d be “stable”. We rarely pack away our dreams for safe keeping; they stay with us and wither away. Or, they take beatings from other’s thoughtless comments and opinions on them.

We need to protect our dreams, but not lose sight of reality.

I’m tired of questions. I’m tired of self doubt. I want answers, but I realize that I can only get answers when I take action. You can only weigh your options for so long before they start to weigh on you. Take action, make mistakes, get out there. It’s the only way I feel like I can get my answers.

I’m scared.