ZOMBIE BOMBERS INCORPORATED

Just call me ZombBomb! You’ve probably heard about my company, Zombie Bombers by now because there is such a need for what I do! I’m a luscious babe and have been training for this mission for most of my life. When you see me in my red leather miniskirt and black knee boots, you would never know that I am a zombie killer for hire. What I lack in upper body strength, I have in devious and dastardly ways to kill a zombie. There is not an ounce of fat on my body, due to my intense training for the zombie invasion that I knew was coming. People laughed when I told them I was preparing for the apocalypse but now that dark day is finally upon us.

I wanted to shove “I told you so’s” in their faces but instead I decided to rake in the big bucks when I heard the desperate poundings on my door of hapless people begging for my help. “I charge ten thousand dollars per zombie killed,” I told them, smirking as I realized I would be able to put my skills to good use.

“How do we know you can do it?” the hordes questioned.

“You’ll just have to take a chance on me,” I answered, “but if I’m not successful, I will be the first person to go!” I really wasn’t too worried. I had no emotional responses to killing. It gave me a sense of power and, believe it or not, sexual arousal. You might call me a narcissistic psychopath or you might just think I was just shortsighted and unfeeling. Take your pick. I am what I am!

I gathered up my supplies in a large net bag and headed out the door to my destiny. What was in the bag, you ask? Well, I carried a chain saw, a machete, a small caliber gun (I would have to get close to shoot a zombie so a small caliber gun would work best at close range), a sledgehammer, an ax, shovels, rakes and had access to a riding lawn mower in the shed behind my house, if necessary. Why did I need a riding lawn mower? Well, if push came to shove, I could ride over the zombies, shredding their heads to use as fertilizer for my lawn.

I knew that zombies were the undead who roamed the streets in a catatonic state, looking for live human brains to feed on after being infected. The surefire way to kill a zombie was to lop off the cranium with a sharp implement. If I could either include the temple on the right side of the forehead, the top or back of the skull, the sides of the head, eyes or ears or the crux of the neck, I would be more successful.

I was absolutely thrilled at the anticipation of ridding my world of zombies and could hardly wait to get started. Where did I get the experience, you wonder? Well, I had already killed my entire human family, my neighbors and all the proprietors on Main Street. No, they weren’t zombies but where else would I get the experience I needed? And I killed them over time so no one would suspect that I was responsible.

I smiled as I strode down the street with my bag slung over my shoulder, eager and willing to do what I must. How else could I make a living? What is a poor girl, alone in the world with no family, to do? Sing my refrain along with me:

Zombie Bombers

Who you wanna call?

If you’re all by yourself

Pick up your cell

and call Zombie Bombers.