Lost Again

He's killing me.

He has been slowly poisoning me for the past 21 years.

Every failed attempt to free myself leaves me spent and frustrated and alone. He doesn't even see it. His narcissistic heart and self righteous self import make him the winner every time. It doesn't matter that he is so negative and believes his luck is gone. He makes his luck. He follows no rules save his own, and they are wrong. He had damaged me irreparably, and hurt my babies with razor sharp words. The wounds are so deep. We all fear the public. We fear poverty, which is where we now lay.

Ruined lives, ruined businesses, marred and scarred from the inside out hearts and minds.

He has won. He has shown his true colors - ambivalent and so sure that his success is done.  He says he will never again be successful, but he is. He has successfully and professionally broken our home, our family and our lives.

So tired. I wonder how long a human can survive without sleep, I've been awake since last Thursday. My brain running circles, plotting, planning, crying, calling...My life a sham - the lack of confidence, self-esteem made worse by his petulant and arrogant stance. I am no longer the strong one, and I seem to have lost my spine. I am terrified. I am lost.

Lost to the world, my family, and society. Nobody sees me anymore, so it is just. Alone I sit and ponder the ways I can escape, but with no real solutions. I am useless - of no talent. Unqualified even to answer a phone and type a letter. Go figure - they told me a Master's degree would open the world for me, but I have effectively been shut out.I am afraid. Terror seizes my gut as I wait for the next explosion...it won't be long. And this house is loud. I hear him breathing in its walls. Round and round in my tired mind the cards shuffle - but I keep getting the Ace of Spades...doomed.