flickered and burned out

You became like death. I saw it happen. Eyes that once shown with the light of a million candles flickered and burned out. It left you cold. It left you unapproachable. I did not understand what had happened. I hoped to bring you back. They told me it was natural. She is aging. She has always been fearful. It is normal. Sometimes dying is easier. The world is a hard place, best to just distance oneself from all that. I did not even remember when it happened. Am I to blame? Always, I think back to what used to be. A wondrous fantasy of memories that I recall from behind a rose colored glass. Once upon a time, you would smile at me. You would play games with me, and tell me jokes. I remember. I would rush home to you every day after school. I was so eager to please you. That was before you became impossible to please. That was before you stood rigid as if you were always preparing for war. That was before every word you spoke was a defense for an attack that I never made. You swore that I did, but I know that I did not. Once upon a time a suggestion to grab a hot drink on a cold afternoon would not have been a frightening prospect. I thought it could be fun. Then I learned to stop asking to do things with you. It would never be fun. How could it be when it is easier for you to scroll through you Facebook feed then to listen to me tell you about my day? How could it be when you would rather stare blankly at a flickering television screen than help me with my homework? You might not drink, but that does not mean that you are sober. I drag my feet now all the way home. I cannot even look you in the eyes. You never could understand what was going on in my mind. Is that why you always distance yourself from me instead of connecting? Is that why I do not feel safe with you anymore when I am scared? Is that why I find it so much easier to sit and watch YouTube for hours and hours and hours?  Did I learn it from you? Well, at least I learned it from the best. Maybe one day I will truly follow in your demeaning footsteps, and death will become me; just like death became you.