Coward

Alone. My heart is caged and the key was lost a long time ago. I try to let you in but it only makes things worse. If I don't seem happy and okay it's a crime, but thats how I feel more and more days in a row. I loved you at the beginning just as I do now. You said that no matter what I was the one except that was a lie. You only want the parts of me that havent been picked over and left to rot. You can only handle the whole parts of me and you just ignore all of the crumbled bits at the bottom of my heart. I can only act for so long, my mind is numb and I cant feel anything. I'm a coward. I want so badly to end this thing people call life but I'm a coward. I sit here and think how much better everyones life would be if I was cold in the ground left to be forgotten. At least then I wouldn't disappoint. Just one quick slice and I'd be there, lying on the floor, the life draining from my body as I finally finally felt something. The last seconds of my life spent recalling the good memories. I can't handle life. The harder I try the more I fail and the more I cant stand the fucking sight of myself. I'm losing her and I know this and yet, all I can think is that she would be better off without me. She deserves better but I am selfish. Our relationship has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am fucking it all up. She isnt happy and I dont deserve her. I hate me and it's oozing through my pores towards everyone I love. I just want this to end, make it stop. I sit in self pity and self loathing and think about how absolutely pathetic I am. Nothing seems to ease this feeling. I have no one to talk to, no friends or family which will make it easier when I'm gone. I think about my mom and how much she feels like I've used her and honestly I think I have been for money but that wasn't my intention and I fucking feel like the biggest piece of garbage there is. But she always tells me its okay even though its not and I hate myself even more for it. My girlfriend thinks I dont love her but I do. I just feel numb the mojority of the time and I hate myself for that because she deserves to feel loved. So she will go and find it elsewhere and honestly? I dont really blame her, if I could get away from me I'd have been long gone by now. Just one slice, thats it. I'll be gone just like that. I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, knife in hand gripping it so tight my knuckles are white. I bring it up to my neck and hold it there staring at my reflection daring myself to do it. I start to shake and I see it in my eyes, for just a second, how crazy I am. How badly I want this. I think about her finding me and how much she's gone through and I drop the knife. She doesnt deserve to find her girfriend dead on the bathroom floor, I'm supposed to be making her happy, not traumatizing her. I glare at myself in the mirror and think: fucking coward.