Oh man, I am so happy I started keeping this journal last fall. It’s been a new year for a whole 18 days and seems to be starting out the way it ended, straight up bullshit. On the bright side though, Trump is out of the office finally; I could not put up with that man 4 more years, fuck that. On the other hand, I can’t wait to see what the idioit in office is going to do with their power.

Now, enough about that shit, I wanna talk about the real reason I cracked open this book, the beautiful soul we lost today. She had such a wonderful heart, she was spunky, white haired, and funny as hell. She had everyone’s hearts and even still does. She was so famous and worth like $80 Million. I will forever be sad that this beautiful lady is not on this Earth anymore.

To top it all off last week the nation went under lockdown because nobody has any idea how to keep disease away from one another. Although, maybe after this, everyone will learn a lesson from all their mistakes, all of them. I won’t be holding my breath on that one though. Everyone knows how Americans can be; “f-r-e-e-d-o-m!!”

I think the only like 2 good things about this lockdown are that my boyfriend is still working (remotely of course) and I get to spend all the time in the world with Milo and Bear, our two bernese mountain dogs. I’m going to be walking them, playing with them, working on our competition routines, loving them, all in our backyard away from people obviously.

Anyway, I hope next week springs better news. Maybe I’ll figure out a book idea or something. Who knows what this quarentine will bring, hopefully not another 15 pounds! Write later!!

I see you.

Across the way, laughing, smiling but it doesnt touch your eyes. I see the way you look down when you think no one is watching. The way you get lost deep in your mind when the conversation slows down. You're good at hiding it but I know.

I see you.

Glancing around to make sure no one notices the torture behind your eyes and the numbness in your heart. Rubbing your hands together in anticipation of the next thing to pierce your heart like a dagger.

I see you.

Scurrying off to the bathroom or outside, away, away so no one can bombard you with questions of what's wrong and is everything okay because how are you supposed to put into words what is going on in your mind. And how are they supposed to make it better when you have no clue what it even is.

I see you.

Suffering in silence because it just seems easier. When everyone is laughing and smiling and you can join in the conversation a little here and there. It seems easier when you can forget for just one split second that you cannot feel a goddamn thing, and you feel somewhat normal.

I see you.

As that feeling passes just as quickly as it came and your left with the thoughts inside your brain that make you pause while laughing and look down into your drink, and you wonder if this is it. If this is how you will feel for the rest of your life so you excuse yourself and sit in the bathroom with your head in your hands and ask what the hell is wrong with you.

I see you.

Silent sufferer who thinks you are alone in this world, who thinks talking to people will make you a burden. Silent sufferer who goes home and cries your heart out in the shower so no one will hear you, who puts that smile on every day and that laughter in your voice so no one notices.

I see you.

Carrying the weight of so many people's words and suffers. Pushing your pain down to the very depths of your soul hoping with everything inside you it will just vanish. Lifting people's spirits while yours have been on the ground ever since you can remember.

I see you.

You are not alone in this world and never will be. You will sit in your silent hell and I will notice you. My arms will open and when you come to me we will suffer in silence together.

There is no cure. Somedays are worse than others, and on the really bad days the only thing you can do is push through.

Using every ounce of energy in me I force my legs out of the covers and sit on the bed willing myself to get up. I finally have the energy to do so only to collapse again once firmly placed in the shower. The water trickles down on me and I dont move letting it wash me away. I go through the motions of washing myself, my hair and my face. I am numb. I turn the water off as it becomes cold and step out drying myself. I stand there just gazing at the ground, feeling nothing. I think to myself, that is enough doing for today. I head back to my bed and curl up in a ball. Today is a bad day, like many I have struggled with. There is no cure and I can't make it go away. I just lay here and feel everything and nothing all at once. Trying my hardest not to feed the thoughts that surface, trying to force them away, shut them out. It's no use though, they come and go as they please. Today is a bad day, I am just trying to make it through.

Im fucked up, I'm torn into pieces. I can't do anything right. My mind is like a storm that will never be quiet. There's always noise even in the silence. Nothing helps. I want to end it all but there are too many people in my life that would be torn apart if I did. That one sentence should make me happy right? Right? So why do I feel so empty, so hollow inside?

Alone. My heart is caged and the key was lost a long time ago. I try to let you in but it only makes things worse. If I don't seem happy and okay it's a crime, but thats how I feel more and more days in a row. I loved you at the beginning just as I do now. You said that no matter what I was the one except that was a lie. You only want the parts of me that havent been picked over and left to rot. You can only handle the whole parts of me and you just ignore all of the crumbled bits at the bottom of my heart. I can only act for so long, my mind is numb and I cant feel anything. I'm a coward. I want so badly to end this thing people call life but I'm a coward. I sit here and think how much better everyones life would be if I was cold in the ground left to be forgotten. At least then I wouldn't disappoint. Just one quick slice and I'd be there, lying on the floor, the life draining from my body as I finally finally felt something. The last seconds of my life spent recalling the good memories. I can't handle life. The harder I try the more I fail and the more I cant stand the fucking sight of myself. I'm losing her and I know this and yet, all I can think is that she would be better off without me. She deserves better but I am selfish. Our relationship has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am fucking it all up. She isnt happy and I dont deserve her. I hate me and it's oozing through my pores towards everyone I love. I just want this to end, make it stop. I sit in self pity and self loathing and think about how absolutely pathetic I am. Nothing seems to ease this feeling. I have no one to talk to, no friends or family which will make it easier when I'm gone. I think about my mom and how much she feels like I've used her and honestly I think I have been for money but that wasn't my intention and I fucking feel like the biggest piece of garbage there is. But she always tells me its okay even though its not and I hate myself even more for it. My girlfriend thinks I dont love her but I do. I just feel numb the mojority of the time and I hate myself for that because she deserves to feel loved. So she will go and find it elsewhere and honestly? I dont really blame her, if I could get away from me I'd have been long gone by now. Just one slice, thats it. I'll be gone just like that. I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, knife in hand gripping it so tight my knuckles are white. I bring it up to my neck and hold it there staring at my reflection daring myself to do it. I start to shake and I see it in my eyes, for just a second, how crazy I am. How badly I want this. I think about her finding me and how much she's gone through and I drop the knife. She doesnt deserve to find her girfriend dead on the bathroom floor, I'm supposed to be making her happy, not traumatizing her. I glare at myself in the mirror and think: fucking coward.

I wasn't always broken. In fact, I was the most sewn together person I knew. But then, I let you into my life. Your surface was sewn perfectly together and that's what caught my eye. You were charming and sweet. Funny and empathetic. Where I craved to be noticed you fulfilled in every way I wanted. I didn't think my life could be more perfect. I could talk to you and we laughed and shared our stories. I fell for you and you fell for me. At least, that's what you said, and I believed you! How stupid of me. When you let me in I was oblivious to the broken pieces around me. I thought I could fix you. Put all your pieces back together and I would be the glue that kept you from falling apart. Boy was I wrong. I stayed with you through everything. Every time you had a mental breakdown I dropped everything. From the very beginning. I was not broken, but you were. You were shattered beyond repair. I should've seen that, should've gotten out the first time you said you hated me. Yet, I stayed. I stayed because I had hope. I had the little memories from the beginning when you hid everything from me and acted sane. Then, down the line I saw the real you. Every time you called me pathetic and said I was worthless I felt my insides break a little more. Every time you said you and that girl were just friends my heart cracked, knowing it was a lie. I wasn't broken when I met you but every time you yelled in my face about how ugly I was or laid a hand on me I could feel the hope fading away. I wanted out but I didn't know how to break my promises, how to keep you alive if I did that. I kept hold of the little hope I had left with white knuckles and trudged on. We grew apart so fast I wasn't expecting you to up and leave. You said you would be there and you weren't. I was of no use to you anymore, I knew you too well. You couldn't handle it and you shattered me. Shattered me into a million pieces I could never even hope to repair. We are all broken. Not at first, when we take our first breaths and we are so full of hope and honesty. This world breaks us. We are lied to, cheated on and fucked over multiple times shattering our insides and leaving a hopeless empty shell. We realize we are on our own and can't rely on a single soul. We realize no one actually cares and we become calloused, broken.

Mommy told me to stay put but I didn't listen. I always didn't listen. I should have though. But I heard a noise coming from the living room and it scared me. I walked down the hall and heard mommy crying and then I heard Ellianna crying and I knew something wasn't right. Even though she's a baby she never cries. When I walked into the living room I saw mommy on the floor. She turned her head to look at me and I saw dark stuff on her face and neck. Then I saw the monster over her and I started crying. The monster looked at me and that's when I screamed. It was daddy but his mouth was covered in dark stuff and his eyes didn't look at me right. He made a really heavy breathing sound and tried to get up. Mommy looked at me and said "Amma, grab your sister, do not let her go, and run as fast as you can as far as you can. I love you both so much. Never forget that. Hurry!"

That's when the monster started coming after me. I grabbed Ellie in my arms and ran outside. It was worse there, I saw our neighbor Mrs. Henerson, and my teacher Ms. Roxi. I even saw Jaimie. She plays with me a lot even though she's two years older. They all looked like daddy, breathing heavy and walking like one leg was broken. They even stretched their arms toward me. I screamed and ran holding Ellie as tight as I could like mommy said. I miss mommy. I started crying and then I ran into Sasha. She asked me my name and said we were safe with her. She grabbed Ellie and she stopped crying but I couldn't stop. All I could think about was that mommy was gone. I miss her. Sasha took us to the school and got some food for us and baby stuff for Ellieanna. I told Sasha I was scared and she said it's okay. But then we left the school and there were so many monsters and Sasha couldn't push them away fast enough and I had Ellie so I couldn't help and then she screamed and I couldn't see her under all the monsters. So I ran down the road until I couldn't run anymore. That's when a big truck came by and stopped. A big guy got out and asked me where my mommy was. I told him and he said to come with him. His name is Tony and he has a lot of guns in his truck. I'm really scared. I miss mommy and Ellieanna is starting to cry. Sasha told me to write down my feelings and I miss her too. Tony doesn't talk much. Well, I'm going to sleep now. I'll write tomorrow. Bye.

My Dearest Scarlette

By the time you receive this letter I will be only a memory. When this all started 10 years ago I thought my words could save me somehow. If I said everything I knew, they would let me go, but it only made matters worse. I had no idea every single piece of evidence would point to me.

I wish you were here so I could see your face one last time, hear your voice say it will be okay. It wonʼt though, and I know that.

I'm sorry I haven't wrote you in a long time but I read every single letter you wrote me. I'm sorry about your father, I would've sent flowers if I was able. I hope your mom is doing better and congratulations on your baby girl. It sounds like you've made quite a nice life for yourself. If anyone deserves that, it's you.

I sit here day and night thinking about that breathtaking smile of yours and those piercing green eyes I could never forget.

I've went over how to write you so many times the words just jumble together. I'm forever grateful of you for believing me when the whole world seemed to turn on me so fast. I know you must've had doubts and maybe you still do.

I would like to clear any undone details you may still question. That is the reason of my letter as I'm sure they will tell you tomorrow when this is over.

There is a box inside my cabin, hidden under a plank in the floor. In it, you will find a letter from my mother confessing that she framed me and that I deserved it. You will find a tape and a tape player and if you listen to it you will hear her talking to my little sister right before my mother shot her twice in the head and once in the chest. She says "You ungrateful little brat. Both of you. I was never meant to be a mother. I bust my ass at work and all you can do is complain about hunger!? You don't even know what hunger is! You will pay child. Both of you will. The police will come, arrest your sister, and I'll be dead on the floor with you. She deserves to be framed after telling those teachers at school I made her drink bleach! That's exactly why you don't scream as your mother holds a gun to your head. I hope you go to hell, that's exactly where you belong." You can hear the gunshots so please don't listen to it around anyone else.

I have tried to tell the guards here about the box but they will not listen. I've exhausted my breath trying to get out of this place and I have accepted that I will die here.

There are also some pictures in that box you can keep if you would like.

I'm so sorry we couldn't run off to Paris as we planned and see the world one monument at a time. I will always be close to you even if I am not on this Earth.

I have to go now, they are calling my name. The electric chair awaits. I will love you forever and I wish you the best life you could possibly live.

Never give up Scarlette. You are beautiful.

Love Always and Forever

Autumn

As I stare into the flames that flicker before me, a tear trickles down my cheek. I think about her beauty. I should've kissed her, told her my feelings. He ripped that from us. I close the door to the furnace, flames licking the inside. He chose his fate. I turn the heat up as high as it would go and set the timer. By dawn there will be no evidence. He will not be missed and I will act as if nothing happened. It was easier than I had anticipated. I head upstairs to my home. When I step inside I am calm. I shower off the only evidence of my evening, the water turning bright red. I slip under the covers of my bed and succumb to the nightmares.