State of waiting

I had to get myself under control.

Damnit. This was my best friends wedding, I can't be seen like this. I hid in the bathroom stall of the ladies room, making sure my gaudy pink, bridesmaid dress didn't get caught on anything or get dipped on the toilet water.

I sucked in a breath, doing my best to stave off the tears, to block and repress any emotion but it wasn't happening. Repressing this was like repressing a hurricane.

A sob escaped me. I quickly covered my mouth, trying so hard to be quiet in my misery.

Ever since darling Betty got engaged my emotions took a nose dive. I tried to be happy. I was happy but not as happy as she thought I was.

Perhaps her engagement made me realize I may never find someone, I may never have the wonderful life she had.

I'm thirty-two, single and living in an apartment paycheck to paycheck while she managed to snag herself a lawyer. Maybe it was the contrast of our situations. Whatever the reason I've slowly been falling into a depression I tried to hard to block.

I put a mask on each day and smiled and laughed like a normal person.

"Jess? You in here?" I swallowed the lump I. My threat and answered as clear as I could without my voice giving me and my emotions away. She didn't need this in her big day. "Yeah, just something disagreed with me." "You sure? You sound off." Damn, a new batch of tears welled up. "I'm f-fine Betty. Really." My voice broke, shit. She was bound to investigate. I saw the back and fourth of her white dress on the floor as she walked closer. "Your not fine. I can tell. You can't lie to me jess."

I sucked in a breath. "You don't need this, not today. Please, just go back and enjoy yourself." "Not until you tell me what's wrong." "They'll wonder where you went." "I don't care. It's my wedding, I can do what I want and what I wan is you to talk to me. I know your not fine."

I unlocked the stall door and let it sway open naturally. She helped it by pushing it gently out of the way. Her face softened with worry when she saw me. I must look like a miserable mess while she looks like a princess from a story book. She held her hand out to me. I cried once more before taking her hand, letting her help me up and hug me tightly. I suddenly felt safe, like I had an umbrella for this misery I've gotten myself into. I cried into her shoulder and she let me. Not caring if I got tears and runny mascara on her dress, not caring I'm taking her away from her perfect day. She simply held me and let me cry.

Once I calmed, she pushed a curl away fro. My face. She spoke. "I can get you the keys to a room if you like." I snuggled. "Thanks." "And then after this we're talking." I dreaded it but I at least knew I had the rope to climb out of this depression, now hopefully I can use it.