Why Beliefs Aren’t My Answer

What happens, Prosers, when you tap the "Write" button?

For me, I'm not sure. The blankness kind of gets to me, and I feel like I have to fill it.

The silence during prayers felt the same way to me as a child.

It felt like no matter how hard I clenched my hands together, they always came up empty after "amen."

Raised religious, baptist actually, I find myself an atheist now.

And I think it's strange how sometimes I'm motivated to pray because a horror movie scared me, or my dad's in bad health again, etc, etc, et cetera, even though I know why.

I only do this because it brings me comfort, not because I believe.

It took me a long time to figure that out.

Because there's a difference, I think, between being a holiday Christian, a bible reader, churchgoer, agnostic, or an atheist.

And that is this:

Whether your beliefs are your question, or your answer.

For me, beliefs are the question.

What do I believe?

In life, I suppose. That we're here, and that's pretty much all I know for certain. Questions bring me joy, discovery, vigor in my everyday.

I can hope that life has meaning, but I don't know, not really. That's why I try so hard, because I'm in a constant state of uncertainty.

Is that hard?

Yeah, actually.

It is very hard sometimes.

But no harder, I think, than when beliefs are your answer.

When something is so automatic, and so sure in your head, that there is no room for an open mind, it must be difficult. Not to say that religion cannot allow for open minds, of course.

It's just that most do not.

And they certainly never worked for me.

I won't pretend to understand the mentality, it's just how it's always appeared to me.

Kind of like drinking the Kool-Aid.

I used to wonder why, why couldn't I act/feel/think/be the same as the other kids who were so, so into it.

But it's okay. I get it, I accept it.

And I've found my alternative.

Beliefs are my question, and I thrive in the not knowing. An adventure, with no map, no scripture.

While I understand guidance, my faith was never placed in the religious kind.

See, I appreciate goodness, and sin.

For what they both offer to me, minus their stigma.

I think, the strongest morals come to those who forge them on their own.

Which is why, when I tap that button, and fill these pages, they're filled with me - my questions, they're in my writing.

And my answers?

Who knows.

An atheist's are much harder to find.