Barriers

I am constantly aiming for an idea of perfection that is impossible to achieve. My mind replays the same moment to the point of distortion in an attempt to figure out how I could have handled it better. Conversations long done keep me up at night with words I wish I would have articulated in the moment. I spend hours staring in the mirror working on that self-approval for what my imagination deems presentable. Lost time and damaged relationships become me because real life always seems to fall just short of the bar of expectations I set so high up, my short arms can never seem to reach. I have been working on breaking down these barriers one day at a time, yet I still find myself stuck in a loop; a rotation of the same actions, thoughts, and hatred. The media and social pressures have broken so deep into me that attempting to fill their cracks have left me exhausted and still searching for enough glue to fill the damaged crevices. In a world where hating myself was the norm, how do I retrain my brain to make love the primary emotion? This is the question that I have been struggling with lately and have found no answer. Everyday is a new battle with this war within myself. All I can hope for is that at the end of each day love continues to triumph, little by little inching its way to win over the larger war and bring the prize home. 

ER