Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. One simple word but a much more complex feeling. The feeling of gratitude is almost freeing. Gratitude is a journey one embarks on with a conscious decision to be grateful for everything that comes their way— good, bad, and everything in between. At first, feeling gratitude for something that is difficult can be tough but as time goes on, gratitude becomes second nature. It’s about letting go of the “why me” and replacing it with “what is this trying to teach me?” It’s not easy, but things that are worth it rarely are. Starting out the new year there is a tendency to focus on things to change and bringing new experiences with a new date but my challenge to myself is to bring acceptance and gratitude to what already is. Gratitude for those who exist alongside me; for my body who allows me the freedom to experience life; for my pitfalls and insecurities that allow me to grow; for my strengths but also for my flaws and mistakes. Everything that exists has its purpose and through the journey of gratitude, we can sit with each experience as it is, feeling grateful for what it will lead to in the future. I step into this new year with no expectations as to what 2019 must be like. Instead, I am here to experience the year with true gratefulness for what is and what is to come. Here’s to a year of growth and love full of thanks for each moment that truly builds life into the greatness that it is.

ER

In the mist of my favorite time of the year, I have found myself wishing for the future. I promised myself at the beginning of this year to stop waiting for the next thing— the weekend, the summer, the holidays. This was a promise to stay in the present and sit in gratitude for the moment that is now since the tomorrow is never promised. I was proud. So proud for reminding myself that no matter what I’m sitting through, this is the moment I need to focus on and I did well. That is until the holidays began. I found myself waiting for Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas. Yet as they came, sadness overwhelmed me and I wanted nothing more than for it to be the day after. Somehow this year, my favorite days were invaded by negative thoughts that became nearly impossible to ignore. Funny thing is that in retrospect, the days were really nice— fun even. What is it that makes holidays so tough to get through yet makes us yearn for them when they’re not near? Somehow this year, the holidays seem to have been tough for many. Now I find myself in the last few days of 2018 wishing I had enjoyed more of the days in the present. The new year comes with many promises that are unknown. So much can change in a year whether you are ready for that change or not. This leaves me thinking: am I ready? After this year’s mishaps, am I ready for new changes? Overwhelming emotion? Truth in the face of life changing choices? Loss, grief, happiness, excitement, joy, sadness— growth? The truth is, I’ll never know. But the only way to move forward is to take a step back into my resolution: one step at a time, one day at a time, stay in the present. So I leave these words here as a form of coping with the now. Embracing my emotions and thoughts as things that exist, nothing more. Feeling through the moments, enjoying those around me even when it’s just myself and most importantly— always moving forward.

ER

Sometimes expectations begin to get the best of you. This is such a powerful realization. I sit here, wondering, am I doing enough? But is that enough question a true reflection of my belief and view of myself or of that expectation placed upon that small girl who didn’t know any better? It’s hard. Hard to differentiate between what is truly me and what the part of me that are simple reflections of those around me. Reflections that are sometimes positive but most times detrimental to my being as a whole. Realizing that some of my qualities might not actually be parts of me is confusing. I sit here existing, attempting to be the best that I can be but beating myself down over characteristics that could possibly fall under learned behaviors through lies I was fed as a child. Now I am lost. Lost between the pages of my life where I see my kindness mix with my anger. Where my indifference for people clashes with my love and hope for humanity as a whole. Where my acceptance of all fights with my disgust over certain people’s choices. This leaves me thinking about the parts of me that are real and the ones that almost seem like a mirage— I can see it but I can’t tell if they truly exist. I suppose this is a necessary journey of growth. Picking apart the scabs built over time to find the raw and honest version of myself. True me, I hope to know you soon.

ER

Fear is a funny thing. Most times, the fear has no real basis behind it. A simple thought that crosses the mind can create a senseless fear. My fears are many. Too many that sometimes they begin to feel like a joke being played on me. Senseless fears that circle around my life and build on top of one another like a shield. Fear is the way that our body warns us to find safety when we face danger, but fears aren’t always related to dangerous things. Fear stops me from facing my wildest dreams. Fear prevents me from dancing in the rain and singing all the wrong notes at the top of my lungs. It’s the sole thing standing between me and my dream of writing. Fear stops me from doing things that could expose me to the judgement of others— even if it’s a positive exposure. This kind of fear is the worst to exist and the most difficult to defeat. Facing darkness I can at least have the hope of finding light yet with failure, comes deep self-disappointed. Rational? I wouldn’t say so. But here I am, immersed in my fear. It wraps around me like a weighted blanket has been glued to my skin. Facing fear feels like blindly jumping into a dark, bottomless well. I don’t know what waits beneath the darkness, but I can only hope that it’s the light leading to the right path.

ER

What do you do when the only way out is through a labyrinth of pain? The happiness that lies on the other side seems to mock me. It shines brightly, calling my name. My heart yearns to feel even the slightest touch of its warmth as it sits here within the coldest of snowstorms. The ladder to freedom teases me with peaks into what life could really be only to yank it away. My fingers raw from trying to hold on but my grip isn't enough. It never is. It is like being stuck in a hole where the only way out is to build a ladder out of thin air. Problem is, no one ever taught me how to build. Leaves me wondering if I am the only one fighting this battle, walking this path. Would that mean I'm stuck forever?

There's a dark wall where words look like clusters of letters randomized to not make sense. The wall is high enough that if I stand on my tippy toes, my fingers are almost long enough to touch the top--- almost... 

Low enough to the the light from the other side shine over it like a soft halo over an angel's head. The glow a torturous reminder of the freedom that light could bring. The darkness swirls the words around deconstructing sentences into stutters too difficult to decipher. 

My fingers begin to bleed from the attempts at grabbing the top. I fall, my toes cramping from over use, my head pounding with exhaustion. The words spin around me so fast, I shut my eyes to prevent the dizziness appearing from a mind so overly full, it falls just short of being able to let it all out. 

The yellow tint at the ceiling is the only reminder that there is a way out. If only the wall wasn't creating a shadow so large, then my mind would be able to find another way out. Just one sentence could create the wave that would bring that wall collapsing down. The rubble the only cue that there was ever an obstacle. 

But that sentence doesn't exist... yet anyway. Because before my mind can crack open that wall to let just enough light in for me to find the door, time must work to help erase the contractor who built the wall in the first place. 

ER

Everyday I walk through my life with a million thoughts left unsaid. With no one there to open them, endless conversations are constantly kept behind closed doors. Words are my solace. They are the release of pent up energy and emotions my body seems to continuously create. The let down in the blank stare back at me that always follows an uproar of excitement over a subject is crushing. The idle two word response slams against my gut, completely rushing the breath out of my lungs. Each repetition of the same occurrence chips away a piece of my heart. Every single one way conversation creating an abyss where my soul used to be. Moving through life waiting for that one mind that will be able to match me word for word. Where conversations are brought to an end by excessive exhaustion. One that will have matching responses during discussions. Who believes strongly in the words they preach and has the passion to discuss them freely. Everyday when a new thought wants to escape my lips, I wish them into existence, while holding pieces of myself together as the wind of disappointment attempts to rush them away. 

Emotions...

Emotions so strong I feel them through you as if it were me.

I'm connected to you through an invisible pull, must be gravity. 

My heart beats to the sound of yours, 

while my eyes shed the tears laying beneath your eyelids. 

My voice speaks out for you, sharing your pain with the world 

yet no one else seems to feel so deeply as myself. 

Through every emotion, I am along for the ride

 no matter the time, or even the distance between us. 

I feel for you what no one else seems to understand.

When your suffering is belittled, I will be there holding your hand. 

Each unshed tear, hidden laugh, moving smile will be matched one by one,

because my heart doesn't know a difference between us. 

In your eyes I see the reflection of mine. 

Our cells move as if they were one, with the same purpose of keeping us alive. 

Through that I understand why when you cry, I do too.

And when you succeed and the sun shines out through your soul,

it will reach me and warm mine as if we were standing side by side. 

My emotions no longer scare or embarrass me because I know now 

that if I wasn't here to feel for you as closely as you do, 

no one would and that I will take seriously. 

Through these feelings I will be with you

just as you would be for me. 

ER

Freckles create a galaxy of shapes over creamy skin. Each one carefully placed over the crevices that form the cheekbones while shooting over the expanse of skin downward towards the lift of the lips. Their presence brought unwanted attention from which they often hid beneath the deceitful imitation of skin spread above the original. Living in shame they continued to hide, their artful expression never seeing daylight. Eyes hollowed with each long night become darkened with a stencil, forming a facade of the presence of a soul behind the glossed over stare. The act so well practiced, only a trained professional could ever tell the pretension apart from the truth. For years each day stayed the same, floating about on Earth merely existing only to be rescued by the movement of fingers ripping the mask away. Freed, they now rested on her face no longer afraid. The nights became shorter when sleep finally came. The gates around her heart squeaked as they opened, her soul slowly climbing out. With a squint in her eyes, the light shined through making the sparkle of her soul noticeable through the chocolate of the pupil. The puzzle completed it made its debut beside the sunrise each day. 

ER

I am constantly aiming for an idea of perfection that is impossible to achieve. My mind replays the same moment to the point of distortion in an attempt to figure out how I could have handled it better. Conversations long done keep me up at night with words I wish I would have articulated in the moment. I spend hours staring in the mirror working on that self-approval for what my imagination deems presentable. Lost time and damaged relationships become me because real life always seems to fall just short of the bar of expectations I set so high up, my short arms can never seem to reach. I have been working on breaking down these barriers one day at a time, yet I still find myself stuck in a loop; a rotation of the same actions, thoughts, and hatred. The media and social pressures have broken so deep into me that attempting to fill their cracks have left me exhausted and still searching for enough glue to fill the damaged crevices. In a world where hating myself was the norm, how do I retrain my brain to make love the primary emotion? This is the question that I have been struggling with lately and have found no answer. Everyday is a new battle with this war within myself. All I can hope for is that at the end of each day love continues to triumph, little by little inching its way to win over the larger war and bring the prize home. 

ER