2018

In the mist of my favorite time of the year, I have found myself wishing for the future. I promised myself at the beginning of this year to stop waiting for the next thing— the weekend, the summer, the holidays. This was a promise to stay in the present and sit in gratitude for the moment that is now since the tomorrow is never promised. I was proud. So proud for reminding myself that no matter what I’m sitting through, this is the moment I need to focus on and I did well. That is until the holidays began. I found myself waiting for Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas. Yet as they came, sadness overwhelmed me and I wanted nothing more than for it to be the day after. Somehow this year, my favorite days were invaded by negative thoughts that became nearly impossible to ignore. Funny thing is that in retrospect, the days were really nice— fun even. What is it that makes holidays so tough to get through yet makes us yearn for them when they’re not near? Somehow this year, the holidays seem to have been tough for many. Now I find myself in the last few days of 2018 wishing I had enjoyed more of the days in the present. The new year comes with many promises that are unknown. So much can change in a year whether you are ready for that change or not. This leaves me thinking: am I ready? After this year’s mishaps, am I ready for new changes? Overwhelming emotion? Truth in the face of life changing choices? Loss, grief, happiness, excitement, joy, sadness— growth? The truth is, I’ll never know. But the only way to move forward is to take a step back into my resolution: one step at a time, one day at a time, stay in the present. So I leave these words here as a form of coping with the now. Embracing my emotions and thoughts as things that exist, nothing more. Feeling through the moments, enjoying those around me even when it’s just myself and most importantly— always moving forward.

ER