Lost

Sometimes expectations begin to get the best of you. This is such a powerful realization. I sit here, wondering, am I doing enough? But is that enough question a true reflection of my belief and view of myself or of that expectation placed upon that small girl who didn’t know any better? It’s hard. Hard to differentiate between what is truly me and what the part of me that are simple reflections of those around me. Reflections that are sometimes positive but most times detrimental to my being as a whole. Realizing that some of my qualities might not actually be parts of me is confusing. I sit here existing, attempting to be the best that I can be but beating myself down over characteristics that could possibly fall under learned behaviors through lies I was fed as a child. Now I am lost. Lost between the pages of my life where I see my kindness mix with my anger. Where my indifference for people clashes with my love and hope for humanity as a whole. Where my acceptance of all fights with my disgust over certain people’s choices. This leaves me thinking about the parts of me that are real and the ones that almost seem like a mirage— I can see it but I can’t tell if they truly exist. I suppose this is a necessary journey of growth. Picking apart the scabs built over time to find the raw and honest version of myself. True me, I hope to know you soon.

ER