To Whom It May Concern
Thank you for your interest, but we will be considering candidates we feel are better suited for the position. - The first and only remark in the email I just opened, aside from Dear Potential Employee. Seriously? I must be the most unemployable person on the planet! For Christ sakes! I graduated Cum Laude from a respected university, and I can’t even get an interview at a grocery store. I’ve been unemployed for five weeks now, and frankly this is getting to be a bit ridiculous. Okay, well I suppose I should respond courteously and hope for better news in the future. They might have another opening down the line.
Dear Potential Employer,
Thank you for considering my application, and screw you very much! I hope whomever you hire, you know the person you feel is better suited than I, is chronically late, and has an undisclosed contagious bowel problem. I hope while you are lying awake at night, suffering from rectophobia (which I am certain you will develop after having to manage the horrific bowel condition you have contracted) you think of me - lowly me, who is not good enough for your crappy (no pun intended) grocery store. I may very well remain unemployed, but I’ll be happily sipping my tea and sitting comfortably on my ass, which is more than I can say for you.
Kindest Regards,
Rejected Candidate
Admittedly, this may not be the best response, but having been out of work for so long I am too bored to care. Perhaps I should have my husband proofread it for me? Nah...It’s good as is. He probably won't find the letter as amusing as I do anyway. Hopefully the store manager sees the wit. I am actually anticipating a return letter, but it might be hard to compose from atop such a high throne.