These Bad Habits

You give and you give and you give.

Because you love him and for him you live.

You expect the same in return but how can he love you as much as he loves his drugs?

He promises to change and says you're the only thing he loves.

You should know better since you've been through this before.

But every time love comes knocking at your door,

You forget to care for yourself because all you can think about his him.

And he tells you such beautiful things.

And he promises you the universe.

And you're so happy you forget to love yourself first.

All of your burdens become my own.

When I am already struggling to stay afloat in this home,

This prison I call my mind and body.

And you tell me you understand and you love me.

But your words have always been different than your actions.

And I've tried so hard to be patient.

To help you, to love and support you.

No matter the pain I am silently going through.

You're this sinking, black hole sucking me in.

And suddenly this love seems more like this painful sting.

My heart hurts but I ignore it,

Because losing you just isn't an option.

And I cry into my pillow every night.

Hating myself for letting this happen again despite

The last time I told myself I was done.

I needed to escape, I needed to run.

All my life I've been running away from myself and into the arms of anyone who said they loved me.

Because I thought it would make me happy.

But this pain I carry deep inside

Affects me every day of my life.

And the longer I ignore it

The more extreme it becomes.

You helped me through some of it but mostly you helped me to ignore it.

And together we created a bad habit

Of drinking and forgetting our problems

Of dwelling in the past.

Of putting our own needs last.

Never working on getting better.

Dreaming of the life we'd spend together

Once we were better and able.

Once we were stronger and more stable.

But I am trying and learning and growing

As you are denying and lying and showing

Me that you will never change.

And all these bad habits still remain.

I tried so hard to take you with me on this journey.

But I'm sitting on the shore watching you float out to sea.

I begged and I pleaded and even threatened to leave you. 

You changed for a week, maybe two.

Then you went back to your old ways and I followed.

And every concern I had I swallowed.

In this pain I wallowed.

And together we hit the bottle.

These bad habits, they consume me.

When all I want is to be free.

I want to learn to love myself as much as I love you.

And that means putting down the bottle and unfortunately you too.